英文自傳 文法問題...急.請幫忙一下

Question

下面是我要交出去的英文自傳,不知道有沒有文法錯誤,請英文好的人幫忙一下,謝謝 (尤其第3段第一行的as far 好像怪怪的)

Autobiography


My name is Ken Tzou. I am eighteen years old and a senior at Hu-wei senior high school. I hope to be able to enroll in the Department of Business Administration in your school.

My hobbies are to watch movies and read novels, especially fantastic type. Fantastic movies and novels can kindle my imagination. And whenever I look at things, I often have unique insights.

As far my academic performance, I have great performance in math. Whenever I do mathematical problems, I’ll rack my brains to solve the difficulty. And when I find out the answer, I am overwhelmed with the feeling of conquest.

In my club and class, I have served as cadres and had chance to manage financial and public affairs. Because of these work, I realize the importance of communication and collaboration in a group. The working experience also promotes my ability to handle everything. Although serving as the cadres always made me feel vexed and suffered a lot of pressure, when the things were completed, I felt the pains were worth.

When I see the brief introduction of your department, I think I am qualified for. If I can be admitted to your department, I will continue to do my best. Your consideration will be very much appreciated.

As far 後面可以不加as嗎?

Answer 1

版主您有自己嘗試以英文撰寫，先向您致敬，畢竟如此才是讓人真正想幫助與回答的對象
至於您特別舉出的 As far 這個問題，基本上要使用的話後面還得加上另一個 as 才是正確。如同上面的回答者所言，若您想寫 「As FOR」則無須加上第二個 as
您的寫法有許多中式英文的傾向：
My name is Ken Tzou. I am eighteen years old and a senior at Hu-wei senior high school. I look forward to enroll in the Department of Business Administration of XXX University (請版主找出該校的正確英文名稱再以之替代 XXX University).
I enjoy watching movies and reading novels in my spare time, especially science fiction (若想表達「科幻」類型，科幻小說是 science fiction). Science fiction movies and novels can inspire (若想表達「激發、賦予靈感」該用 inspire) my imagination, and help me evaluate things with unique perspectives. (兩句合併、並更換其中原先不當的用字)
As for my academic performance, I am excellent in math. Whenever I face mathematical problems, I contemplate hard (表達仔細、慎密思考使用 contemplate 即可)to solve the problems. And when I figure out the answer, I am overwhelmed by the joy of victory. (原先選字句型不恰當)
I took leadership roles (cadre是軍方用法，班級幹部就是有領導經驗) in clubs and for my class, and was responsible for financial and public affairs. Due to these experiences, I realized the importance of communication and collaboration in a group. My working experience also improved my ability to handle different tasks (promote 一般是促銷或升職；只有講 handle everything 太籠統). Although I've suffered much pressure and went through exhaustion while serving others, the satisfaction and accomplishment I gained after completing each project are priceless. (這句話大幅修飾過，原先的句子似斷句無連接、並且語焉不詳。)
As I read through the departmental introduction, I felt that this is the school I am looking for. (若照原先 brief introduction 會予人您只是稍微看過就胡亂下決定的感覺。再來，自己說自己qualified其實是很怪異的，畢竟是不是 qualified 都是該校審閱人員說了算。) I will continue to strive to do my best in both academic and professional areas once admitted to the school. (將來要在哪方面努力、下工夫要講清楚，只有模糊的說會做到最好太過籠統。)Your consideration is much appreciated.
文法句型與用字已經儘量改至通順合理又不致語焉不詳的地步。

2007-03-26 02:45:01 補充：
如果版主能提供該校的自傳要求的話會更好，因為就「內容」來說，好像說了什麼又好像沒說：版主您說有幹部經驗，但是只有講到完成事情以後讓你很有成就感，而沒有舉例講哪次哪種經驗讓你特別印象深刻。因為申請學校的人很多，有當過幹部的人也絕對不少，而基本上大家都知道當幹部的人需要負責的事項，所以版主您若要突顯自己與眾不同的地方最好能舉例說明哪一次您負責的活動、或哪一種您負責的項目基於哪些原因與經過而帶給您成就感。

2007-03-26 02:45:09 補充：
而像「數學好」這一點，版主您也沒有講明到底是怎麼樣個好法，太過籠統了。講到艱深的題目時，最少也該讓人知道您是在哪門課或演算哪種題目時覺得艱深，又是如何絞盡腦汁的解決，因為光是「絞盡腦汁」只是讓人知道你想了很久，但是沒有讓人知道你是想過多少解決方法、又是如何嘗試才得出結果。

自傳是推銷自己，而既然是推銷，就得明確具體的告訴他人您好在哪裡、比起其他人又是怎麼個好法。如果只有一昧的說很好但卻講不出個所以然來別人也無法信服，是吧？

2007-03-26 02:53:58 補充：
改正：

第二段第一句後半改為 ..., 「especially science fictionS.」

第四段第一句前半改為 「I held leadership positions in class and clubs, 」...

2007-03-27 09:00:37 補充：
願版主申請學校一切順利 ^^

Answer 2

感謝你們的幫忙,謝謝啦

Answer 3

I hope to be able to enroll in the Department of Business Administration in your school.改為
I'd like to to enroll in the Department of Business Administration in your school.

My hobbies are to watch movies and read novels, especially fantastic type. Fantastic movies and novels can kindle my imagination. 改為
My hobbies are watching movies and reading novles, especially the fantasy ones. Fantasy movies and novels can enrich my imagination.

And whenever I look at things, I often have unique insights.改為
Looking into things, I often have unique insights.


As far my academic performance, I have great performance in math. Whenever I do mathematical problems, I’ll rack my brains to solve the difficulty. And when I find out the answer, I am overwhelmed with the feeling of conquest.改為
As for my academic performance, I am really interesting and good at math. I'll try everything possible to solve mathematical problems, especially diffucult ones. I am usually overwhelmed with the feeling of satisfaction finding the answers.

I have served as cadres and had chance 改為
I served as cadres and had chances (我想改cadre卻找不到適合的字）

promotes my ability to handle everything改為
raises my ability to handles anything

I felt the pains were worth.改為
I felt the pains were well worth it.


When I see the brief introduction of your department, I think I am qualified for. 改為
Seeing the brief introduction of your department, I know I am (well) qualified for it.

If I can be admitted to your department, 改為
If admitted to your department



As far as不如改為　As for

Answer 4

Autobiography


My name is Ken Tzou. I am eighteen years old and a senior student at Hu-wei senior high school. I hope to be able to enroll in the Department of Business Administration in your school.

My hobbies are watching movies and read novels, especially those incredible ones. Extraordinary movies and novels can stimulate my imagination, as a result, whenever I look at things, I often have unique views.

Currently, I have great academic performance in math. Whenever I do mathematical problems, I’ll rack my brains to solve the problems, and once I find the answer, I have a fulfillment feeling of conquering the difficulties.

I served as cadres in my class and the club I have joined. These allowed me to have a chance to manage financial and public affairs around in our society. As a result, I realize the importance of communication and collaboration within a group. The working experience also promotes my ability to handle everything more maturely and cautiously. I suffered a lot of pressure and anger while serving as the cadres, however, when the works were completed, I felt relieved and the pains were worthy.

When I saw the brief introduction of your department, I think I am qualified for the place. If I can be admitted to your department, I will continue to do my best and putting all my skills and knowledge that I have learnt so far. Your consideration will be very much appreciated.


(幫你稍改一下加了少許意見讓整篇更有說服力唸的更順,但整篇文章的意思完全沒有改變...祝你成功)