My Background可以幫我修改嗎?

Question

My Background
On the surface, I am like most senior high students .I take school work seriously. I have dreams and goals in the future that I am determined to carry out.
My name is Hsu-Hui-Min. I was born in Kaohsiung city. Because I was born in a Christian family, my parents educate me in a special way.
My mother, who plays an important role in my life, always teaches me everything in God’s word, especially from the book of Psalm and Proverbs. My father is not just my teacher but also my best friend. He always shared his rich experiences and colorful childhood memories to me. I indeed learn a lot from him.
As to my elder sister, she affects me to be an independent girl. Whenever I had problems and troubles, I must do my best to solve them before asked for others. My brother is younger than me by seven years, so that I have the chance to be his teacher. Meanwhile, I found it is not an easy job and the field is worthy studying as well in the future.

感激不盡!!申請大學用的

老實說我也很想去國外唸書,但稅收太少
沒錢支柱,國庫殆盡
只能委自枉屈,就讀附近之大學的英語系
懇請再為朕擬一份適合的
在此,寡人都十分欣賞諸位之才能
懇請賜教!!

Answer 1

敬稟皇上：申請學校用的自傳或者個人背景，必需要和申請目的結合。寫了一大堆爸爸、媽媽、姊姊、弟弟的事情，看不出與請學校有關。從你的文章看來，你目前就讀高中，要申請到應與國家念大學。因此你的申請學校用的任何一個文件，包括自傳在內，都必須跟你申請的目的扯上關係，才能強化你的申請信函的威力。例如：除非你申請的是教會學校，否則在自傳中提到太多篇幅有關宗教信仰的文字，便是脫離了「申請學校」的主題。對於一個來自非英語區的高中生到英語國家念大學，除了看她的成績以外，學校最重視的應該是申請人的英語能力、獨立生活與學習的能力、以及寬廣的國際觀。因此自傳上就應該從這三點發揮。微臣斗膽，根據上述論點幫 皇上改寫個人背景如下，如有違逆 皇上旨意，請 皇上務必從輕發落，饒臣一命。
My Background
My name is Hsu-Hui-Min. I was born in a Christian family at Kaohsung City . Kaoshuing is a port city in Southern Taiwan . It has been my childhood dream to sail to many ports to meet different people and experience various lifestyles. Therefore, I decide to leave home and take my college education in a foreign country. (把自己生長的地方高雄市和自己想要遨遊四海的夢想，以及出國求學的目的加以不著痕跡的結合)。Since my parents are professionals who have their own career, therefore they asked their children learn to be independent from childhood. When we had problems, we never could expect they will solve them for us, but they give us advices and assistance. Especially the Christianity belief sets very high moral standard on our behavior. ( 用父母親養育子女的態度與宗教信仰暗示自己獨立生活能力與道德意識。) Many other parents want their daughter to stay close with them, and let the son to go abroad. Therefore, leaving the parents, sister, brother and the all the friends in such a young age is the most critical decision I ever made in my life. With their support and encouragement, I am determined to take the unknown challenges lying ahead, and I believe I can make it. (最後再強調自己一人闖天下勇於接受挑戰的決心)


2007-03-25 21:46:46 補充：
皇上願在台灣讀大學，此種「愛台灣」的義舉，可以為天下萬民表率。上述自傳修改兩句即可：
Therefore, I decide to leave home and take my college education in a foreign country. 改為 Therefore I decide to study a global lanaguage, i.e, English to become a golbal citizen to communicate with entire world.

2007-03-25 21:59:58 補充：
最後一段改為My father told me that English will be the only universal language in the global economy.

2007-03-25 22:00:10 補充：
繼續 His thought reinforced my belief to choose English as my major field. My parents will be proud of me someday when I become a simultaneous translator (即席翻譯者）travelled many countries at many international confernces. 以上敬請 皇上聖裁。

Answer 2

My Background

(In general) I am like most senior high students .I take my school work seriously (and always try to do my best). I have dreams and goals (for) the future that I am determined to carry out.
My name is Hui-Min Hsu (在英文裡名要寫前面姓要在後面). I was born in Kaohsiung city (in) a Christian family, (therefore), my parents educate me in a special way.

My mother, who plays an important role in my life, she always teaches me everything in God’s word, especially from the book of Psalm and Proverbs. My father is not just my teacher but he is also my best friend. He shared his rich experiences and colorful childhood memories (with) me (all the time). This (helped) me (learnt a lot and I always look up on him). (這裡稍改唸起來比較順這句意思 “因為我向他看齊所以我學到很多”)

(On the other hand), my elder sister, she (also) affects me to (become) an independent girl. Whenever I have problems and troubles, I must do my best to solve them before (seeking for help from others). My brother is (seven years) younger than me, so I (often) have the chance to be his teacher (and tutor him). (Finally), I found it is not an easy job and (in the future this) field is worth (of) studying,


(_) 裡是幫你修改的..意思沒扁只是把句子修的順一點還有把字型換了一下..加油