請幫我修改英文履歷~20點唷

Question

Dear Sir,
It’s my pleasure to introduce myself. My name is *** from Kaohsiung. My family is quite simple, there are three people in my family. My father was in military service but unfortunately he was passed away a few years ago. My mother is a housewife since she got married to my dad. Older sister and eldest brother were married. The other brother is an engineer in semiconductor.
I graduated from FooYin University, in Applied Foreign Languages Department. English had been my favorite subject for a long time. My personality is active and studious, I like to learn new things and join activities. I have several certificates for English competitions, such as debate, study tours, GEPT. About typing, I can type 40 Chinese words per minute, 30 English words per minutes, computer processing etc.
I like to travel, watch movies and make friends. In my free time, I like to read or listen English talking books to gain my listening and reading skills. When I was a student, I had been to Canada for study tour. That is my first time went abroad by myself. This trip not only improved my English native skill but also let me become more independent. I also have many working experiences in my school time, for instance, cram school teacher, English tutor…… I was a volunteer in Kaohsiung city Lantern Festival in 2004. I learned valuable experience and know-how from there. Currently I join “The Volunteer of The 2009 World Games.” I think by these activities could enrich my life.
In my opinion, a senior staff in an enterprise would to be successful; he or she should have a sagacious assistant who can help him or her. Maybe this is the reason why I want to be in your team.
I really hope that I have privilege to be your member in the future. Even I would get trouble or in a new environment, I have confident to overcome these. With all experience, I gained through there years, I have confidence to perform in your enterprise. Thank you very much. Should I be given a chance?
我想改成較專業點的寫法,或是較順的介紹

Answer 1

大置上都很好，沒什麼大問題，都可以看的懂你在說什麼。

1. Thank you for the opportunity to have me introduce myself to you.
2. My name is XXX.
3. I grew up in Kaohsiung.
4. My mother has always been a housewife after she got married to my father.
5. Both of my older sister and eldest brother are married.
6. The other brother works as an engineer in a semiconducting firm.
7. listen to
8. English native skill ? 可以寫成 English listening and conversation skills
9. many working experiences IN 改成 During .... my school time
10. at the 2004 Lantern Festival 先說，再說 in Kaohsiung
11. know-how ... about what??
12. I think that my life is meaningfully enriched by joining these activities.

13. 你寫的 In my opinion, a senior staff in an enterprise would to be successful; he or she should have a sagacious assistant who can help him or her. Maybe this is the reason why I want to be in your team.

我的建議是換個重點來說明你為何想加入這間公司，提供你的優點.... Responsible, Punctual, Hard working, Easy going, Team-player, Quick leaner,
因為這些優點，你一定可以昇任這個職位
而非....成功的男人，背後有一個得力的助手..................

14. to become a part of your company

15. 省略 I would get trouble..... 改成 I like challenges from work, and I like overcoming obsticles.

16. I am confident that I will provide your company with a great add value if you will provide me with the opportunity.

17. Please do not hestitate to contact me should you have any more questions regarding my qualficaiton.

Thank you for for your time. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

記得要再留一次電話或email 在信尾。
祝好運

Answer 2

你厭倦往返補習班浪費的時間和體力嗎
你想在家裡躺在沙發，就可以上課嗎?
網路課程橫跨升學考試、教職考試、公職考試、執照考試、就業考試、語言進修等6大類50餘科，

超過500多門課程，為各界人士提供優質的線上教育服務。

自100年6月成立以來，使用會員在一年內就已突破3萬名，並培育出許多優秀的學員，

學員踴躍分享行動補習帶來的便利與效果，累積許多佳績見證。

免費試讀網址:
http://ad.mobchannels.com/redirect.phpk=b2d8a7d711229b382ee03f334d1eb477&uid=

Answer 3

專業英文履歷與自傳翻譯,
提供你參考看看(內有面試秘訣):

http://tw.myblog.yahoo.com/jw!w6gPRaOCFQVCeNg8iHiYXJOJIRSG2Lw-/archive?l=f&id=5

Answer 4

Dear Sir/Madam:
It is my pleasure to introduce myself to you. My name is XXX. I am come from Kaohsiung. My father served in military department before he passed away few years ago. My mother is a housewife since she has married my father. My eldest brother and elder sister are married. The other brother works as an engineer in Semiconductor.
I graduated from Foo Yin University, majored at Applied Foreign Languages. English is my favorite subject since long time ago. I am active and studious. I have obtained several certificates related to English competitions such as debate, study tours, GEPT. My typing skills are 40/per minute in Chinese and 30/per minute in English.
I like traveling, watching movies and making friends. I also like to read or listen to English talking books during my free time so that I can improve my English skills. I went to Canada for a study tour while I was a student and that is my first time being abroad alone. The trip not only made my English improved but also more independent. Moreover, I worked as a tutor during my school days and I was also a volunteer for Kaohsiung city Lantern Festival 2004, both gave me valuable experience. I have joined “The Volunteer of The 2009 World Games” because I believe with those activities, my life could be enriched.
In my opinion, a successful senior staff should have a capable assistant to share his/her work, and this is the reason why I want to be in your team. I am confident that with my qualifications and past experience, I could make great contributions to your organization. I would be appreciated the opportunity to meet with you for this position at your earliest convenience.

Yours faithfully,

XXX

2007-03-13 15:06:25 補充：
但是正式的英文resume 好像没有人写有关父亲母亲和几兄弟姐妹的事情耶
In my opinion, a successful senior staff should have a capable assistant to share his/her work, and this is the reason why I want to be in your team.
我觉得好像改一改会比较好。因为你好像不是在说什么理由给别人听。