請幫我的英文作文挑錯(20點)

Question

可以幫我批改校正一下這篇文章嗎？謝謝～感激不盡
Evan Yo is my favorite singer. I tend to like female singers more. Therefore, he is the first male singer who I am enthusiastic about.
Evan Yo has just celebrated his twentieth birthday. He is about 177cm tall and 68kg in weight. With handsome, charming appearance, full of passion and a kind of firmness, innocence, you can see a big boy who is not afraid of all the hardships waiting for him and still pursue his dreams bravely in his eyes. And what I love most about him is his hearty smile. It is so cute that one simple smile can melt my heart. And he can be not only romantic but also cool. In his newest music video”Neverland”, he set foot on the magical journey, played the role of graceful hero and rescued a princess from the hand of pirates.
Evan Yo not only has a good-looking idol appearance but also is a singer with strength. There is a huge variety of genres in his album; therefore his singing style changes according to the styles of different songs. He shows his affection and sincerity in love songs. The emotions he expressed in his voice are more than anyone else. Evan Yo’s voice is capable of passing through you and reaching the deepest place in your heart. Fast-tempoed songs demonstrate Evan Yo’s another aspect which is energetic and full of attitude. These songs also performed his strong and stable voice thoroughly. The consummate singing skills make the album worth listening again and again.
後面打不下了在補充～～

Learning to play different instruments, Evan also received sound training of classical music. He has strong interest in music. He studied in the music talented class in Guang-Ren Junior High School and HSNU.

Being in the first place of national draft, he entered the music department in NTNU. He even got a contract from Jacky Wu because of getting the first prize of a singing competition in the age of 14. His music talent shows in his album too.

All of the songs in the album were composed by him, and he even participated in the making of the album. His appearance also put new energy into the Mandopop field.

最後一段
With all these reasons above, I find my liking for him grows day by day. He is the most brilliant newcomer this year. I expect Evan Yo to make the music of Chinese reach new realm, and let the whole world hear the voice of Chinese.

Answer 1

Evan Yo is my favorite singer. I tend to like female singers more. Therefore, he is the first male singer of whom I am enthusiastic about.
Evan Yo has just celebrated his twentieth birthday. He is about 177cm tall and weighs 68kg. With handsome, charming appearance, full of passion and a kind of firmness and innocence, you can see a big boy who is not afraid of all the hardships waiting for him, [don't really need it.. but sentence too long] and still pursue his dreams bravely in his eyes [too metaphorical... you're not writing a poem, pls make it explicit]. And what I love most about him is his heartily smile. It is so cute that one simple smile can melt my heart. And he can be not only romantic but also cool [fragment/ incomplete sentence, add more stuff and take off And]. In his newest music video "Neverland," [commas always inside a quotation] he set foot on a magical journey, played the role of graceful hero, and rescued a princess from the hands of pirates.
Evan Yo not only has a good-looking idol appearance but he is also a singer with strength [i think flexibility works better]. There is a huge variety of genres in his album; therefore, [comma splice.. although ', and' works better here] his singing style changes according to the styles of different songs. He shows his affection and sincerity in love songs. The emotions he expresses [don't change tenses from sentence to sentence] in his voice are more than anyone else. Evan Yo's voice is capable of passing through you and reaching the deepest place in your heart. Fast-tempoed songs demonstrate Evan Yo's another aspect that is energetic and full of attitude. These songs also performes [again.. tense] his strong and stable voice thoroughly. The consummate singing skills make the album worth listening again and again.


2006-12-17 16:37:14 補充：
Aside from learning to play different instruments, Evan also received sound training of classical music. He has a strong interest in music. He studied in the music talented class in Guang-Ren Junior High School and HSNU.

2006-12-17 16:37:42 補充：
Being in the first place of national draft, he entered the music department in NTNU. He even got a contract from Jacky Wu because of being awarded the first prize of a singing competition at the age of 14. His musical talent shows through in his album too.

2006-12-17 16:37:58 補充：
All of the songs in the album were composed by him, and he even participated in the production of the album. His appearance also put new energy into the Mandopop field.

2006-12-17 16:38:11 補充：
With all these reasons above, I find my liking for Even Yo [since you haven't mentioned his name for while, best to recall it] grows day by day. He is the most brilliant newcomer this year. I expect Evan Yo to make Chinese music reach a new realm, and let the whole world hear the voice of Chinese.

2006-12-17 16:39:10 補充：
- overall, pretty good.. watch your tenses
- it might be better if you coudl revise a bit... get rid of simple sentence structures to make the flow better. Simple sentences are only good when you want to emphasize a specific point... too many is just too much and the paragraph gets choppy