請英文高手幫我看看這段翻譯(10點)

Question

以下是我想表達的內容，請各位英文強者給予翻譯的建議！

以下：

< 赤雪 >

紅色的雪從天空飄下

喔，又是秋天...

我的眼淚和紅色的雪持續下著...

我是如此愛她

為什麼她就這樣靜靜的離開，只留下我一個人？

我是如此愛她...

當天空飄下紅色的雪，我的眼淚也隨著落下

但是當我感到最孤獨時，你們出現了

拯救了我，與我一起歌唱

讓我有了重生的能量

當紅色的雪又再次飄下，你們總是陪在我身旁

以下是我自己的翻譯：

< Red Snow >

Red snows float down from the sky

Oh, is fall once again...

My tears and red snows are float down...

I'm so much love her

Why she quieted left so, only left me alone?

I'm so much love her...

When the red snows float down form sky, my tears will drop down, too

But when I fell so lonely, you are coming

Coming to save me, coming to sing with me

Let me has energy to rebirth

When the red sonws once coming again, you are always beside me


小人還只是個國中生，還請各位大人多多指教 <(_ _)>。

這是我打的文章裡，應女主角的心聲所寫的，而我想用英文表達，因為我設定的女角是英文很好的人 囧

喔！原來如此(抄筆記)，感謝你的建議！

Answer 1

我幫你改成通順一點就好(基本上會留有原著的創作)...

Red snows fall down from the sky,
Oh, it reminds me that autumn has arrived again...
My tears fall unstopped with red snows.

I love her so much,
How could she left me like this, so quietly and lonely by myself?
She had so much of my love,
When the red snows fall from the sky, my tears flow too.

At the moment I felt so lonely, there you showed up.
You were there to save me, and sang with me
Lead me to energize as my rebirth.
When the red snows appear again, I know I'll have you beside me and forever.

2006-11-24 17:16:17 補充：
建議要用英文詩詞創作的話，應用英文來作底稿較佳，如果使用中文創作再翻譯的話，往往會失去原有的中文詩詞的情境，也可能會造成翻譯後的英文矛盾，當然這必須要常常的練習英文，先把英文底子建好再來慢慢地嚐試創作。

Answer 2

Nice craft! Keep going on!