請英文大大高手幫我改英文 急急!

Question

I was born in xx, CA in 1989. At that time, my father was pursuing his doctorate degree at xx(大學). I spent my toddler years in xx. After that, because of my father's work, our whole family moved back to Taiwan (my father's hometown), where I finished my elementary, junior high school, until 3rd year in senior high school.

Since I consider go back to US for undergraduate education, English learning is always kept in my study plan. The following were my honor award and activity attended: Honor Award: Academic merit scholarship, year 2004 and 2005; Model student award, 2005; Leadership award, 2006. Activity: Cheerleader, member, grade 9; Environmental protection pointguards, cadre, grade 11; The chorus club, cadre, grade 11.

As of the moment, my biggest wish is that I will be admitted to your esteemed university's Biology course, for which the university is well known for. I know language will be a challenge for me but I firmly believe and am fully confident that I can overcome this obstacle (I already took the TOEFL test in Nov. 2005, score=217). If I will be admitted into your school, I will take advantage of these four years in the university to study subjects related to Biology and will consider entering the Health Professions Advising Program and choose a discipline related to medicine or continue to pursue a masters or doctorate degree in Biology and be engaged in research work.

Answer 1

I was born in xx, CA in 1989. At that time, when my father was pursuing his doctorate degree at xx(大學). I spent my toddler years in xx. After that, because of my father's work, our whole family moved back to Taiwan,(my father's hometown), where I finished my elementary, junior high school, up to the 3rd year in senior high school. Since I consider going back to US for undergraduate education, English learning has always been in my study plan. The following are my honor awards and activities attended: Honor Award: Academic merit scholarship, year 2004 and 2005; Model student award, 2005; Leadership award, 2006. Activities: Cheerleader, member, grade 9; Environmental protection pointguards, cadre, grade 11; The chorus club, cadre, grade 11.For the moment, my biggest wish is to be admitted to the Biology course, which  your esteemed university is well known for.  I know language will be a challenge for me but I firmly believe and am fully confident that I can overcome this obstacle (I already took the TOEFL test in Nov. 2005, score=217). If I am admitted into your school, I will take advantage of the coming four years in the university to study subjects related to Biology and will consider entering the Health Professions Advising Program, choosing a discipline related to medicine or continuing to pursue a masters or doctorate degree in Biology and be engaged in research work.

Answer 2

I was born in xx, CA in 1989. My father was pursuing his doctorate degree at xx(大學) and I spent my toddler years in xx. Our whole family moved back to Taiwan, my father's hometown, for work. I completed my elementary, junior high , and two years of my high school in Taiwan.

I have always consider go back to US to pursue my undergraduate program. English learning has always in my study plan.

Following are my honor award and activities attended:

Honor Award:
Academic merit scholarship, year 2004 and 2005
Model student award, 2005
Leadership award, 2006.

Activity:
Cheerleader, member, grade 9
Environmental protection pointguards, cadre, grade 11
The chorus club, cadre, grade 11.

My dream is to be admitted to the Biology department of your university. The most well known major of your university. Language will be a challenge for me but I firmly believe with confident that I can overcome this obstacle I already took the TOEFL test in Nov. 2005 with the score of 217. If I will be admitted into your school, I will take advantage of these four years in the university to study all subjects related to Biology. My goal is to enter the Health Professions Advising Program and become professionals related to medicine. And I may continue to pursue a masters and even doctorate degree in Biology to engage in research work.