幫忙修改一下我的英文文法句型~急~[20點]

Question

麻煩幫我看一下有沒有錯誤~幫我修正一下~看有沒有通順~謝謝~
若有什麼意見也可以說~接受各方意見~謝謝~


Dear sir,
My name is Crystal. I was graduated from XX University electronic engineering department this year. My major is an electronics. At semester have ever acquired studies to scholarship for four semesters.
I am a carefully, hard-working, easy-going, and responsibility person. When I have free time, I listening music and playing with my dog. That could let me feel relax.
Ever in the breakfast store and 7-11 experience for part-time job. These two works all let me learn how to communicate with person. It can train my own work ability, attitude and experience accumulates in jobs. I am taken up employment in "XXX" currently and hold the post of maintain specialist. Serve "XXX" and "XXXX" cellphone only.
I hope it can have a chance to challenge my own ability and increase own experience. I want to be a member of “XXX” is because of it has the very perfect training system and the promoted piping. It can let me challenge ego and acquire achievement.
I hope we can see each other very soom. Thanks.

Answer 1

Dear sir,
My name is Crystal. I graduated from XX University this year and major in electronic engineering. I studied hard to win my scholarship for four semesters. (你是不是要寫: 我2年來都領獎學金唸書?)

I am a considerate, hard-working, easy-going, and responsible person. I always try my best to do what my boss commits me.
In my free time, I listen to some music and play with my dog at home. It could let me feel relaxed.

I have some working experience for part-time jobs, such like in the breakfast store and 7-11 convenience store. It not only lets me learn how to communicate with person in different situation, but also can cultivate my own work ability, attitude and experience accumulation of jobs.
I am a maintain specialist in "XXX company" currently which serve "XXX" and "XXXX" cellphone only. Although it's a good company, the scope of my working stage is a little limited so that I can't do more than I would like to do for my team.

I hope to have a chance to challenge my own ability and increase own experience. It's my honor to become a member of “XXX”, for it has the perfect training system and the promoted pipping. To join you, It can strong my mind and enhance my working capability both.

Please be kindly to give me a opportunity for a interview with you. Thank you for your reading my resume at last.
Best Regards,
XXX

2006-11-20 08:42:47 補充：
謝謝你的肯定，希望對你有所助益。

Answer 2

非常謝謝你們大家~

Answer 3

Dear sir,
My name is Crystal. I just graduated from the Electronic Engineering Department of XX University this year and major in electronics. I got my scholarship for four semesters of studies.
I am a detail oriented, hard-working, easy-going, and responsible person. I listen to music and playing with my dog during my leisure time. They help mel relax.
I have two part-time job experience, one at breakfast store and another at 7-11 store. I learned how to effeciently and positive communicate with other from my two work experience . I am self motivated with positive attitude and I accumulates my good working experiences . I am currently employed by "XXX" and work as the maintain specialist which serve "XXX" and "XXXX" cellphone only.
This will be a great opportunity for me to challenge and advance myself to another level. I want to become a member of “XXX”, because it has the best training system and internal position promotion system . I believe this is the best place for me to challenge my skills and achievements.

Look forward seeing you soon!

Answer 4

Dear (Mr.XX),
My name is Crystal. I was graduated from XX Universaity under the department of electronic engineering department this year. My major is electronic enginering.
(At semester have ever acquired studies to scholarship for four semesters.)這一句我不確定你是想要表達什麼?加上你完全沒有任何主詞.
I am a considerate, hardworking, esay-going and responsible persion. During my free time, i like to relax by listening to music and spending time with my dog. As for part time jobs, i have worked in convenience store, such as 7-11 and as well as privately owned breakfast store. These experiences have given me the opportunity to learn to associate with different kinds of people from all over the field. Furthermore, i was able to develop a decent socialing skills with such experiences. Currently, i am employed by XXX and hold the position of a maintenance specialist.
(Serve "XXX" and "XXXX" cellphone only.)這一段不確定你想要講什麼.
I hope this opportunity will provide me the chance to challenge my own skill and expand my knowledge and experience. I want to become a member of XXX, mainly because of its well-known trainning system and promoted pipping. I strongly believe by working under such corporation, I will be driven to challenge myself to the extreme.
Last but not least, I hope we will be able to see each other in a very short while.
如果是一封信建議最後用 Sincerely,XXX.