[急] 請協助檢視這樣的英文求職信內容是否可行?

Question

各位大大, 請幫我看一下以下求職信內容是否流暢?文法是否正確? 再請提供一些小意見, 謝謝!!!

Dear XXX,

RE: Application for the position of Sales Assistant

In response to your advertisement for this position in 104 website, I have enclosed my resume for your consideration.
As a customer service officer at XXX during the past six years, I was responsible for over 250 customers' management, including communication and coordination, and administrative functions. My duties included booking audited schedule, quoting for assessment, and invoice…etc. All these abilities are important to the smooth running of the office.
I believe my qualifications match your requirements and would appreciate the opportunity to discuss this application with you at your convenience.
Thank you for your consideration.
Yours sincerely

Answer 1

記得先分段，不要全部黏在一起很不好讀。前兩段都不錯，第3段我把他精簡了一些還分兩段，第一段解釋你大工作，第二段細分你對他們的服務。All these abilities are important to the smooth running of the office. (這句話是廢話，不需要敎104的人怎麼很SMOOTH的RUN一個OFFICE，我幫你改成是因為你幫你的客人做了這些服務，以致他們的office smooth running)Dear XXX,RE: Application for the position of Sales AssistantIn response to your advertisement for this position in 104 website, I have enclosed my resume for your consideration.As a customer service officer at XXX during the past six years, I personally handle 250 customer's accounts. my main responsability includes communication, coordination and other administrative functions for these clients. To be specific, my service for these clients included booking audited schedule, quoting for assessment, and invoice…etc, to ensure my clients have a smooth running of the office.I believe my qualifications match your requirements and would appreciate the opportunity to discuss this application with you at your convenience.Thank you for your valuable time and consideration.Yours sincerely