請幫忙糾正托福作文英文文法(20點)

Question

請英文高手幫忙糾正托福英文作文的[文法錯誤] 並指正錯誤原因!!也請沒把握的朋友不要回答!麻煩了!(請勿翻譯)
Everyone said “never, never give up”, but first of all you must show your support by deeds, not words.
Are you quite clear in your own mind what you ought to do? Or maybe you just mind what people think about you. Everybody wants to achieve great success in life, but if you like the trees swaying in the wind, and hesitates at anything, how do you view your chances of success? Be steadfast to your principles, find your interest, if at first you don’t succeed, try again; you will get a great cost.
The great men, artist, musician, devote all their efforts to their task, ability to endure much physical or mental strain. Whether it was unwise or not depends upon the spirit in which it was done.
Failure in one examination should not stop you trying again, because successes come after many failures. It is vitally important to have a clear conscience.

Answer 1

其實你沒有很多文法的錯誤, 主要是連接詞的部分, 我只是對你英文作文的style有不同的想法, 我先將你文法不大對的地方說明一下.
第一段
---> "Never give up" says everyone, but first of all, you must.......
只是陳述一件事實就是不要放棄, 你用現在式即可, 過去式有以前的人這樣說, 但是是不是現在不適用了呢? 我去掉一個never因為這樣比較不會有太口語的感覺, 我用倒裝, 讓句子開頭更能引人注意, 後面first of all之後記得放逗點.

第二段
第一句問句沒有錯誤 但是可以縮減成 Are you clear in your mind....."quite" 這個字比較口語 在正式文章裡盡量避免使用 your own mind = your mind 所以own可以省去 第二句 or maybe也是一樣的情形 建議or去掉 可以用 Perhaps you just....其實just也是屬於比較口語的 可以用only/merely
第三句後半段, but if you like the trees swaying....我想你是要說的是如果你像樹一樣在風中搖擺 但是這句你寫的英文意思, 其實是你喜歡樹在空中搖擺, 後一句hesitates at anything 應該是hesitates about almost anything, 接著建議改成 how do you hold on to your chances to succeed, 因為成功的機會不是用view(view有考慮查看的意思), 在這裡建議用hold on to有緊握的意思, 就是把握成功的機會, 你要寫成 hold on to your chances of success也是可以.
Principles建議改用 disciplines, 這一句接下一句之間需要連接詞and, 接著建議用, and figure out what your interests would be. 這樣可以把意思說的更清楚, 這一句就句點完成, 下一句重新起頭 If at first you failed, you would have to try again and get paid back (假設語氣的用法). You will get a great cost我其實不是很懂你這一句意思

第三段
第一句一樣缺少連接詞 ---> The great men, artists and musicians.... 建議可以改成 The great men such as some famous artists and musicians in human history (於托福作文中可以舉例像是哪些歷史中有名的畫家與音樂家)...all devote themselves/all their efforts into their specialty, and endure much physical or mental strain. devote themselves是比較常用的用法, 接著要加一個連接詞and直接接endure即可, 你的說法是 devote all their efforts to ability to endure....這是多餘的且我也不是很懂你要表達的意思, 最後一句文法沒錯但是可以改更簡潔一點 Whether it was unwise or not depends upon whether it was done. 這裡的it不知你是指什麼事情, 你是指行動力嗎? 還有你這句用過去式是在陳述一件事實還是在說之前提到的畫家或是音樂家呢? 如只是陳述一件fact就要用現在式-->....depends upon whether your goals are clearly set and accomplished. 因為這裡你用的it不清楚是指什麼, 所以去掉把句子寫更清楚.

最後一段
.....because success comes after failure of many times. success 和 failure的複數用法較少見 because前不用加逗點

如果是托福英文作文, 文章句型,結構和style要兼顧, 我們可以之後再來討論, 通常我會避免在這類作文中用問句的句型, 托福作文是申論類的, 所以要正式與辨證的方式寫, 講出道理還要搭配例證, 前後要有條理, 邏輯要通順, 還有閱讀的讀者主要是大學教授, 所以一些簡而易懂的邏輯不要浪費文筆解釋, 最好在第一句就把 thesis statement寫清楚, 這篇文章討論什麼, 你的立場是什麼, 接下來三段你要focus在哪些論點, 這是非常重要的, 接下來分段, 每段討論完, 最後一段呼應第一段, 並強調加強你的論點, 根據上面三段提出的論點與例證, 可以支持你的立場. 你說服了考官, 你的文法用字沒有大問題, 文章結構條理清楚分明, 用字遣詞也不錯, 就能拿高分.

希望這對你有幫助

Answer 2

People always said," Never give up!" But I think it's not good enough.
Because you should not only show your support by saying something nice but also by doing something that really can help.
In your mind, do you really know what to do?
Or you just care too much about what other people think about you.
Everybody wants to become a successful person.
Don't hesitate to do anything or you won't have a chance to see your own sucess.
Stick at your goals and find your interest.
Try again and again until you succeeded.
At last it will pay.
Take a successful artist for an example, he must have devoted himself to his craft,
and he definitely has the ability to deal with the pressure, physically or mentally.
It's not a big deal to fail in an examination.
What you have to do is to try harder and harder.
For success always comes after many failures.
The most important thing is that you know who you really are!

糾正英文作文的[文法錯誤] 並指正錯誤原因好難
所以改寫了一下
但沒有題目
所以依照你寫的意思改改

不好意思，我的英文其實沒那麼好的ㄟ