修改求職英文自傳，請幫忙看有無錯誤的...拜託大家了

Question

有點急...麻煩大家幫忙了 ^^

My name is OOO, 23 years old, coming from a sound and happy family.
My family consists of five members, including my parents,
elder brother, elder sister and me.
My father was retired. Mother is a house-wife.
Having been influenced by family education,
I am very optimistic, open-minded and responsible.
My parents always support and respect our decision,
so I learn to respect other people, too.




I will be graduated from OOO. I majored in Financial.
My school life was colorful, exciting and unforgettable.
Apart from the society activities,
I also take many opportunities to study English and
take several professional certificate exams, like Financial License etc.
These preparations help me to face the challenges in my career.




It is my dream to contribute myself to your company.
One of the reasons is that your company is one of the biggest company in this sector.
Another reason is that I wish to utilize
what I have learned from my undergraduate in my career.
It will be my honor if you would grant my admission to your company.
Thank you for your kind consideration to my application.

Answer 1

My name is OOO, 23 years old, from a family of five.There includes my parents, elder brother, elder sister and myself. My father is retired and my mother is a housewife. Being influenced greatly by my family’s teachings, I have become a person who is very optimistic, open-minded and responsible. My parents always support and respect the decisions that I have made, so I have learned how to respect other people too.I will graduate from OOO with a major in Finance.(說說你對finance的了解, 拿一個文憑並不是重點)I would not forget my colorful and exciting school life.(面試者不會在乎你的學校生活是不是多采多姿的)(大部分的人會列舉在學校曾經辦理或是協辦的活動有哪些, 你在那些活動的角色為何)Apart from the society activities, I also take many opportunities to improve my English and take several professional certificate exams, like Financial License etc.(到底有沒有拿到Financial License啊?)Those preparations would be able to help me face any challenges in my future career in finance.I’d like to contribute my talents to your company. One of the reasons is that your company is one of the largest companies in this sector. (除此之外, 還要舉出你對這家公司與Finance相關的了解, 可以說你已經讀過他們的財經報告, 或是曾經寫過對這家公司營運的報告)Another reason is that I hope to utilize what I have learned from school in my career. It would be my honor if you could grant me the opportunity to work for your company. Thanks for your kind consideration on my application.