請托福專家幫忙看英文托福作文文法

Question

請對英文文法和句型精通的高手幫我看這篇文章的文法錯誤並修正,告知我錯誤的地方!也拜託不確定的朋友不要輕易回答!也不要翻譯!麻煩大家幫忙!感激不盡

Some people think if the person can not hold a degree from a university, he/she is tantamount to a man who will never accomplish anything. In modern societies, people attend college or university for many different reasons.
First, the parents expect obedience form their children, because they think university which like the process by which cater pillars are transformed into butterflies, can help their children grow up fast.
Second, the worker’s demands for higher pay wave successful by the employers, because most employers think the degree shows that level of skills in his/her work too, even though sometimes they are completely mistaken.
Third, university can help a shy person who avoids all human intercourse, with their classmates live together in unity, quickly to the new community.
Finally, I think the divisions we see in the university are the epitome of those occurring throughout the whole country, let we have greatly advance in our knowledge of our country.

請高手們盡速回答!本問題將在4/9(星期一)晚間選出最加解答

Answer 1

Some people think if a person can not hold a degree from a university, he/she is tantamount to a person who will never accomplish anything. In modern societies, people attend college or universitsies for a variety of reasons.First, (x) parents expect that their children are obedient to them. They think sending their children to a university would be like a transformation process, by which, in metaphor, caterpillars are transformed into butterflies. Therefore, a university can help their children grow up fast.Second, it seems reasonable for the employers to expect that a worker with a degree would request for higher pay. It's because most employers think a person with a degree would show better skills at his/her work. Although sometimes, it was not all true.Third, a university can help a shy person who might avoid all human interactions to live together with their classmates and to quickly fit into a new community.Finally, I think the diversities that we see in a university would be the occasions that could be found in our country. Let us make a great advancement in learning more about our country.

Answer 2

我認為你要是要寫 toefl 的 essay 的話,應該要寫些自己的經驗(personal experience), instead of 用 third person 來敘述.