急救一下文法...please

Question

請幫我check一下文法的部分or 語句有啥不順的地方請指教一下...謝謝
When I study in college, I had a part time job in my free
time. I worked in Fan Ya Human Resource Agency in Kaohsiung city. My position was an assistant of Customer Service Department. I had to deal with all the customer’s needs and assisted my superior to finish the job. After I graduated, I worked in Success Cram School in Taiwan city as a teacher assistant. My job is manage all the class affairs and communicated with students and parents. During the time I worked there, I did learn a lot of skills about “communicate”. I also learnt how to “into” the society and work with others harmoniously from those two jobs.
My friends always said that to me. “You are so active and clever”. I really like to think a lot thing around our world. I also pay lots of time to get the information about astronomy, history, and genetics and so on. I think there was just a little thing discovered nowadays. We should try our best to know our only world and also cherish it. I do hit it off well with each other and love to communicate with others people. I believe that will be great help for my job and get more easily to be with my colleagues and customers.
In future, I will use the knowledge I learn form school in my job
and help the people whom need to be assisted. Certainly, I will learn more
and more to enrich my life, also work hard for my company.

Answer 1

When I study in college, I had a part time job in my free time.
改正：study －＞ studied；part time －＞ part-time
I worked in Fan Ya Human Resource Agency in Kaohsiung city.
改正：city －＞ City
My position was an assistant of Customer Service Department.
改正：of －＞ at
I had to deal with all the customer’s needs and assisted my superior to finish the job.
- OK
After I graduated, I worked in Success Cram School in Taiwan city as a teacher assistant.
改正：city －＞ City； a teacher assistant －＞ an assistant teacher
My job is manage all the class affairs and communicated with students and parents.
改正：manage －＞ managing
During the time I worked there, I did learn a lot of skills about “communicate”.
改正：“communicate” －＞ ‘communication’
I also learnt how to “into” the society and work with others harmoniously from those two jobs. 改正：“into”－＞ enter
My friends always said that to me. “You are so active and clever”. I really like to think a lot thing around our world.
改正：to me. 句點改成逗點；a lot thing－＞ thing 去掉；around －＞about
I also pay lots of time to get the information about astronomy, history, and genetics and so on. 改正：pay－＞spend：
I think there was just a little thing discovered nowadays. We should try our best to know our only world and also cherish it. 改正：was just a little thing－＞are fewer things
-未完- 請來留言

2006-03-08 14:05:37 補充：
改正：do hit it off well－＞get along well：others people －＞ people改正：That will be－＞ it will be：for my job－＞to me；and get －＞ and I will get along very well with my…改正：I will apply what I learn in school to my job.改正：more and more －＞ more ；also work hard－＞and work harder

Answer 2

同一句的句子 ，最好不要同時用When I study in college I had a part time job in my free
time.兩種的時間點