想請各位幫我看看文法對不對！

Question

這是我自己翻譯的，但是因為英文沒有很好，想請各位幫我看看文法對不對！

Mariah Carey was born on March 27th, 1970 in Long Island (New York), she has
a fine treble voice and can spanning 5 octaves (Dolphin-sounding Vocal),
graduated from junior high school.

Mariah Carey is a half-breed, her mother is an Irish and father is an Afro-Venezuelan.
At that time, the mixed couple wasn\'t much appreciated, so their neighbors
usually bait them. Even Mariah’s grandmother disowned her mother.

When Mariah Carey was three years old, her present divorced. Her sister would
eventually turn to prostitution and her brother would get caught up in the spiral
of drug and criminality. Music was quickly going to become her lifeline in a
messed up world.

At a very young age, Mariah Carey already used to in the studios recording some
friends’ demo tapes, writing, and composing. When Mariah Carey graduated
from High School at the age of 18, she decided to take the plunge; Long Island
had become too small for her.

During one year, Mariah led a bohemian life doing some small jobs to pay the rent,
recording some demo tapes, and knocking at the door of some recording houses.
She wanted to be a star and the success is her only ambition.

One day, Mariah Carey joins to Brenda K. Starr hold a screening of back-up singer.
Brenda K. Starr quickly noticed her genius (Brenda K. is Mariah’s benefactor).
Then Brenda K. Starr invited her to a party and gives the demo tape for the C.E.O of
CBS Columbia.

When the C.E.O of CBS Columbia listens the song on his car radio and he made a
U-Turn, well determined to find and sigh right away Mariah Carey. Then the
superstar appeared.

Up to the present time, Mariah circulates 14 albums and 3 movies. She won
numberless award. The following is her famous award.

Answer 1

A 改的地方：
1. (記住：標點符號問題 “，”不能當連接詞)
2. can + 動詞原形
3. a school 可數名詞
Mariah Carey was born on March 27th, 1970 in Long Island (New York). She graduated from a junior high school. She has a fine treble voice and can span 5 octaves (Dolphin-sounding Vocal).
B. 改的地方：
1. (記住：標點符號問題 “，”不能當連接詞)
2. father 後面 is 可省略
3. the mixed couple did not get along very well (wasn't much appreciated不好)
4. bait 在這裡意思怪怪 (我不知你原意)

Mariah Carey is a half-breed. Her mother is an Irish and father an Afro-Venezuelan.
At that time, the mixed couple did not get along very well, so their neighbors
usually bait them. Even Mariah’s grandmother disowned her mother.
C. 改的地方：
1. her present 應該是打錯字 => her parents
2. 離婚 got divorced
3. would 去掉
4. turn to prostitution => became a prostitute
5. was quickly going to become => quickly became
6. in a messed up world. => in a world of mess
When Mariah Carey was three years old, her parents got divorced. Her sister
eventually became a prostitute and her brother got caught up in the spiral
of drug and criminality. Music quickly became her lifeline in a world of mess.
D. 改的地方：
1. At a very young age => When she was young,
2. already used to in the => used to go the
3. to record some friends' demo tapes, writing, and composing. => to record the demo tapes of her friends', to write and to compose music.
4. High School => the high school
5. to take the plunge. => to move out.
6. 加 because

When she was young, Mariah Carey used go to in the studios to record the demo tapes of her friends', to write and to compose music. When Mariah Carey graduated
from the high school at the age of 18, she decided to take the plunge because Long Island had become too small for her.

2006-02-26 11:20:43 補充：
謝謝Emily的採納

Answer 2

抱歉我沒有很仔細看喔~我只有注意到一個地方 建議你自己改改看~
就是你必須從頭到尾用同一個時態..不可以一下子was一下又變成has(要用had)
自己看看八:)