這樣翻釋有錯嗎??~錯在那??

Question

這樣翻釋有錯嗎??~錯在那??如果有錯~英文的部份要怎麼改


First of all, being a fashion designer is my chosen career. Secondly, I will widen my horizon and open my mind by experiencing and traveling all over the world. Third, I plan to finish my degree in five years. Last but not the least, my goal is to be one of the brilliant and outstanding fashion designers on earth.
服裝設計師是我所選擇的職涯，我將到世界各地去見識，
且我預計在五年內完成學位。我的目標是成為世界著名的服裝設計師。

I am an eloquent and convincing salesman. My advantage is that I can boost sales in a very short period of time; however, my shortcoming is that my emotion is influenced easily by the outside environment.
我是個能言善道的銷售員，我的優點能在短時間內將業積拉高
但我的缺點情緒起伏太大。

是中翻英喔!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

我幫你改寫得比較像不是中國人講的英文。第一段話的問題在於，你提到的幾件事情，各自獨立沒有太大相關性。所以我設法幫你建立句子和句子間的關連。I want to become a career fashion designer. Travelling all over the world widens my vision and exposures which help make a top notch designer. I plan to finish my degree in 5 years. My goal is to become a world class designer.第二段是不折不扣的中式英文。「短時間將業績拉高」不能算是一個「優點」，而是必須拿出證明的「實績」，所以我幫你改成「我有短期間內拉高業務的實績」。「情緒起伏太大」不是缺點，而是「致命的弱點」，寫在履歷上沒有老闆敢用你。我勉強幫你改成「因為一時過度投入，情緒有時會影響我的工作。」I am an outspoken salesman. I have a track record of boosting sales volume in a short period. Somethimes I will be influenced by emotions during due to over commitment.

Answer 2

到底是指英翻中~~還是中翻英呢??
我好像有點搞混了..

英文的轉折語幾乎都沒有翻出來~
不過這樣講起來比較像真正的中文
所以我覺得沒有問題壓~~翻的很好!!

Answer 3

只是短文而已,沒必要用到
FIRST OF ALL
SECONDLY
THIRD...
其他都還算正確