幫我看一下這英文句子寫的對嗎??~

Question

First of all, being a fashion designer is my chosen career. Secondly, I will widen my horizon and open my mind by experiencing and traveling all over the world. Third, I plan to finish my degree in five years. Last but not the least, my goal is to be one of the brilliant and outstanding fashion designers on earth.

I am an eloquent and convincing salesman. My advantage is that I can boost sales in a very short period of time; however, my shortcoming is that my emotion is influenced easily by the outside environment.

Answer 1

First of all, being a fashion designer is my chosen career. Secondly, I will [replace "widen" with "broaden"] my horizon and open my mind by experiencing [experiencing what?? "experiencing and" should be removed] and traveling all over the world. Third, I plan to finish my degree in five years. Last but not [doesn't need "the" here] least, my goal is to be one of the [add "most"] brilliant and outstanding fashion designers on earth.

I am an eloquent and convincing salesman. My advantage is that I can boost sales in a very short period of time; however, my shortcoming is that my emotion is influenced easily by the outside environment. [this sentence is pretty good, but (this has nothing to do with English, just my opinion) you should say something that you will do to correct, improve your shortcoming]


>>> sorry to do this in English, but it's easier for me because my computer doesn't really do Chinese, besides,
your English is really good!!!