請幫忙勘誤英文自傳.感激不盡喔!送10點

Question

請幫忙看看有沒有更好的寫法或是錯誤怪怪的地方~
求職要用的自傳
謝謝大家的幫忙喔
I was born in 地名, It had been where I made my living till I went to Taipei. I have two sisters, who are 6 and 7 years younger than me. Being the first child of my family, I learned how to tackle everything independently and be considerate of other people. After passing the College Joint Admission Examinations, I went on to undertake Business management as my major subject in at 大學學校. So I went to Taipei after graduating from高中學校. Contrasting to the passive attitude of most college students, I had dreams and expectations for me which I strived to achieve for the most part of my college life. I came to be attracted by the diversity of business society and the challenges in handling these problems efficiently and professionally. Besides, I have many chances to learn social intercourse and how important it is to have a good communication and teamwork with my teammates, to treat people and deal with every situation, to make sure that you are just in your position, I also learned life is an ever-lasting process and I believe there is still much more for me to learn. I have to keep moving and creating, so I can keep on the advantageous position. Although there are many others in the business community who are more capable than me, I am consistent in giving my best efforts to everything I do.
After leaving school and starting to get my first job, I told myself “No matter what kind of job it is, I can earn abundant experience from it. No wonder, these experiences do give me the direction of my future. By working in 公司名稱, I can touch many different kinds of work, I need to grasp the basic concept of the organization culture and the key for creating fruitful achievements with my teammates, I am always glad to teach the freshman all kinds of skill and solve their questions with patience, I also learned tons of information, especially the communication skill with every member bank, I also made every kinds of note to build a standard progress to systemize my work.
My personality is independent with good patience and charity. I also pressure can urge me to achieve high standards and I also have good Emotion Quality, I will throw myself into my job with passion and responsibility, I'd like to face up to any kind of challenge positively . I expect I can have the chance to apply Japanese language I have learned for years and computer skills to my work. Moreover, I wish to follow in the experiences of the counselors in your firm and strive hard to achieve your standards. I thank you for your time and hope that you would grant me the honor of an interview.

Answer 1

generally a good writing! ^^ your english is pretty good!

I was born in 地名, where I have lived before I go to Taipei. I have two sisters, who are 6 and 7 years younger than me. Being the eldest child of my family, I have learned how to tackle everything independently and be considerate of other people. After passing the College Joint Admission Examinations, I went on to take Business management as my major for my degree at a university. I went to Taipei after graduating from senior high school. Contrasting to the passive attitude of most college students, I had dreams and expectations of which I strived to achieve for the most part of my college life. I was attracted by the diversity of business society and the challenges in handling problems efficiently and professionally. Moreover, I have chances to learn about the social intercourse (what do you mean by "social intercourse"? it sounds very strange here) and see how important it is to have good communication skills, working in a team with teammates, treating people with respect, dealing with situations and making sure that you are just in your position (not sure what you meant by that). I also learned that life is an ever-lasting learning process and I believe there is still much for me to learn. I have to keep moving and creating (what do you mean by "creating"?), so I can be ahead of others. Although there are many others in the business community who are more capable than I do, I constantly give my best efforts to everything I do.
After leaving school, I started job hunting and told myself “I can learn from the experience no matter what kind of job it is." Without a doubt, these experiences did give me the direction of where I want to go. By working at 公司名稱, I make contact with many kinds of work. I need to grasp the basic concept of the organization culture and the key for creating fruitful achievements with my teammates, and I am always glad to teach the newcomers skill and helping them with patience. I have also learned lots of information, especially the communication skill with every member bank. I also made every kinds of note to build a standard progress to systemize my work. (not sure what you are trying to say in this sentence, did you want to say that you are well organised and have systematically follow your plan?)
I am independent and have patience and charity. I also push myself to continually do better to achieve high standards I have set for myself. I also have a high EQ (Emotion Quotient), and I devote myself to my job with passion and responsibility. I like to take up challenges. I expect that I will have the chance to apply the Japanese language I have learned for years, as well as computer skills to my work. Moreover, I wish to learn the experiences of the counselors in your firm and achieve your standards.

Thank you for your time and I hope that you would be kind enough to offer me an interview.

Answer 2

http://tw.knowledge.yahoo.com/question/?qid=1205082304068幫忙一下3Q~