My mom is 47, and she has been married to her husband for almost 10 years. He has been verbally and mentally abusive to her nearly all 10 years. He has been physically and verbally abusive to me since I was 10. She is disabled and unable to work because of physical problems, and she is in the process of filing for disablity. She can not work and make money for herself, but right now, money isnt a big deal for her because my grandparents will help her with whatever she needs help with, but only if she leaves her husband. She just had a 2 strokes back to back, and just got out of the hospital last night. She came to my house last night and he called her here, and was yelling at her because she didnt go home and that she was staying here. My family and I have tried to get her to leave him, but she wont do it, and we believe its because she is scared of him. We have no clue what to do anymore, and it seems like we have no more options. Does anyone have any advice? Please.
2007-11-17 11:46:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He hates my grandparents royally. He has treatened their lives many times. But then again, he has treatened the life of everyone who has ever crossed his path. In nearly every conversation he has, it envolves him saying how big and bad he is, and how he'll "f*cking kill them." He has talked like this ever since they have been married. He was as good as gold to everyone, but the day they got married, absolutly everything changed.
2007-11-17 11:57:43 · update #1
We have already tried to get him arrested, numerous times. When I was 14, he punched me in the mouth and I ran to my neighbors, and they called the cops. We went to court, and he got a fine. Another time, we got into a HUGE fight, and my aunt called the cops, and she told them when they got there, that he had pot in the house, and he did, and he surrendered it to the cops and only got probation for it. Then he tried to blame me and my aunt for not having any money to buy my moms medicines because he had to pay his probation fees and court costs...
2007-11-17 12:08:12 · update #2
Oh my dear.. I feel for you. I was an emotionally abused woman for 10 years. I will spare you the long story of how I became free but what I can tell you is that something dramatic will have to happen before she leaves this man. I'm going to be honest here.
She knows she is being abused and she is using her disability as an exuse. Something has GOT to give. You are damn right she's scared. He has pushed her down so low that everytime she takes a step up, she is afraid to do so. I hate to say it but abused women are like trained dogs. If you put out a steak in front of a dog and smack the dogs nose, the dog will not eat the steak right? Too many times of this, the dog does not care about the steak. Somehow, someway you've got to get you're Mom to not go back for the steak no matter how bad she wants it. She loves her husband, she's been with him 10 years but enough is enough. Maybe she doesn't realize how extensive the abuse is at this point and the only people who see it are you and you're family. It took me a long time to realize abuse for what it was. And, guess what? It was 10 years.
I am praying for you hun.. Im praying big time for you're Mom. My heart and soul go out to the both of you.
The thing that triggered my leaving was my 10 year old daughter coming to me, telling me that "when you and daddy fight, I hide in the closet".
Good luck to you hun.
2007-11-17 12:30:23 · answer #1 · answered by Erin 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What's selfish is letting them stay in a house with an abusive father. Maybe he isn't attacking them now, but you never know with psychopaths. It's also selfish to let the kids KNOW that they are the reason he's still there and hitting you. You should LEAVE. You wouldn't have to live in a shelter, you could contact a charity of some sort or an organisation and they would sort you out, get you an apartment maybe. No promises, but I know they could really help you, like the Salvation Army. The kids don't need a car, expensive clothes, toys and a big house, they need a safe house. Anyway, the husband could pay alimony, and child support, see if he doesn't! Good Luck, and ditch the -------!
2016-05-24 00:44:44 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should go talk to legal council. He can legally be made to stay away from the family.
When you discover all the legal aspects .. you should talk to your Mom and tell her there is protection.
Also - there is a number to report senior citizen abuse .. and abuse to disabled persons.
Do lots of research on her rights. Make a good plan for her .. before you talk with her. Then .. present it to her. Tell her how much better she would feel if she did not have to deal with him at all.
Tell her to go home with her parents .. and get legal assistance about him.
You can only try .. the decision will actually be up to her in the end.
2007-11-17 12:05:20 · answer #3 · answered by Tara 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not sure you can do anything. I went throught something similar with my step-mom and my father. He was abusive for more than 20 years before she finally decided she had enough. She lived a truly happy and safe life for three yearsafter she left before she passed away.
Your mom may be beyond scared of him, he has probably beat her down so far mentally that she is more scared of life w/o him than she is life with him. She has become accustomed to his fits of abuse and can probably feel them coming...it's her norm...and as bad as it sounds, her safety zone. She knows what to expect from their home/life together, but unsure of what life would hold for her in the world slone and trying to start over.
Just be there to support her and let her know that if she left, you'd be there for her in every way. When she decides shes ready, be there for her during the good days and the bad...change your number so he can't call so much, and keep her busy. Good luck!!
2007-11-17 12:24:46 · answer #4 · answered by ejsheart 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Well I can certainly understand your concern and your frustration. This actually is something only she can make her mind up about. It's one of those things where "you know when you've had enough". Does that make sense? She might be thinking that "she can't do it alone or do better" because of her disability. That can be helped with counseling. But in the meantime, do what you can do for her, and let her handle things the way she needs to. Just of course be there when she decides to leave him.
2007-11-17 11:51:07 · answer #5 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing you nor anyone else can do to get her to leave. She has to do it herself, and until she's willing to do that, there's nothing anyone can do.
You say he was good as gold to everyone until they got married. What usually happens is either your mom didn't date him long enough before marrying or moving in with him to see his bad side, or she just ignored it. It doesn't usually show to everyone else.
The saddest part is your mom didn't do what it took to protect you. Instead, she made the choice to stay with him. I'm trying to get you to understand that SHE is making the choice to stay with him, no matter what the cost is or who gets hurt.
Even if you should succeed in getting her away from the guy, she may well end up with another just like him, until she decides she doesn't want that.
2007-11-17 11:59:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
make up fake charges against the sc*m bag. Report him to the cops your mother is not going to do anything for her self because he has her right where he wants her. Tell the cops he assaulted you when you was trying to defend your moms. Wait till your moms leave the room then scream and say mom he hit me. You don't want your mom to protect him by saying she didn't witness nothing.
My brother when we were small beat my step dad with a level, because he was abusive towards my mom and us. He got 26 stitches on the head. A level is what they use to check if a wall or a floor is even.
2007-11-17 12:01:57 · answer #7 · answered by John 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
all the years of abuse and put downs from this man have taken away her self worth and confidence. she needs to go to group therapy so she can understand this isn't normal and doesn't make for a good life. i use to get abused by my ex, i stayed in a marriage 10 years, did not want to hurt anyone, had pets and did not want to leave them. but in the end he kicked me to the curb for a younger woman when he could not financially use me anymore. no one has to stay in a marriage like that, i should not have either. unfortunately u can't do anything to change her mind, but see if she will go to therapy, there she will meet others who are going through what she is and they will be able to show her that life is really too short to spend it wit someone like that. my only regret is that i did not leave my ex sooner, i am just now getting my self worth and confidence back that i allowed him to destroy with his words and mental abuse. if she has a way out she should take it as no one deserves to be treated like that.
2007-11-17 11:57:35 · answer #8 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it's crazy what we do because we love someone and I don't know why we allow someone else to be in control of our life but batter women feel as if ,forever what reason ,that things will be better and that somehow it may of been our fault and we go back time and time because he was sorry and promise never to do it again and we make excuses and hide bruises .Honey I wish you and your family the best and I'll pray for you but it's so hard to get out of that situation until she's really ready
2007-11-17 12:09:38 · answer #9 · answered by starr 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She needs to get advice from a domestic violence helpline,she needs to get to this junction herself. I had two strokes whilst in a similar type of relationship,one day 14months ago the light went on its my life !!!!!!! I asked him to leave and he did its not been easy financially but at least I am not frightened in my own home.If she uses the Internet tell her to look at www.thework.com [Byron Katie] good luck
2007-11-17 12:05:12 · answer #10 · answered by RAINBOW 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋