does anyone know any really good jokes?

Answer 1

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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Girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Answer 2

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph... "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Answer 3

How to catch an elephant.

First you have to dig a hole that is a little bit bigger than the elephant. Then you fill the bottom of it with ashes. After that you put peas all around the outside. So when the elephant goes to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole.

haha its funnier if you hear it instead of read it

Answer 4

How do you confuse a blond? Ask them to sit in the corner of a round room!

Answer 5

there are three girls stranded on an island. one burrnett, one red head, and one blond. A genie appears and agrees to give them each one wish. So the burrnett wishes "i wish i was back home eating a nice hot meal with my family" the wish comes true and she goes home. The red head wishes " i wish i was back home with my warm bed and my husband" the wish comes true and she goes home. the blond wishes " i wish my friends were back"

Answer 6

haha good well i obtained a intercourse comic story for you wish you love it :) on listening to that her grandad had simply died kate went and visited her nan to remedy her whilst she requested how he died her nan replyed by means of sayin that he had had a center assault whilst makin love two her kate mentioned that it was once foolish that two historic individuals in which havin intercourse because it was once askin for concern her nan replyed by means of sayin that they used to do it to the gradual speed of the church bells because it was once simply the proper velocity she then wiped a tear from her eye and carryed on by means of sayin''if that dahmed ice cream van hadnt come alongside he could nonetheless be alive at present'' :) xxx

Answer 7

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? two, but no one knows how they got in there

Answer 8

whats the difference between a kinky person and a pervert??


The kinky person uses a feather and the pervert uses the whole d a m n chicken


lol i like it

Answer 9

Yes, but I can't tell them on here or I will get suspended.

Answer 10

What is green and smells like ham?

Kermit the frogs fingers....

Kinda gross but i was laughing my butt off!!!