Please read and tell me what you think?

Question

I wrote this intending for it to be a short story, but it has turned in to something a little longer. This is only the beginning, although I have written more. I posted it on storywrite.com hoping for criticism and suggestions, but I haven't been getting the response I was looking for. Your time and thought will be very much appreciated if you read and comment my work!


http://storywrite.com/story/71531


Please note that I am a young teen, so I may not have what you look for in good writing.

I have written two poems that are also posted on that site. You can find them by following the link to my profile if you would like to.

Thanks in advance!

I forgot to mention that there are a few paragraphs that I obviously haven't finished yet. I will eventually go back and edit those, so please look over that as you read. Thank you for pointing that out to me, and thanks for the comments!

Answer 1

OK here goes. First of all, you never put two people's quotes in the same paragraph. Everytime a new person speaks, it's a new paragraph. Be careful of that.

Secondly, you write a lot in the passive tense. You use the word "had" too much. He had twisted his ankle. He twisted his ankle. See how the second sentence is stronger? You dont need the "hads".

You are also a "That" writer. She realized that his arm was broken. She realized his arm was broken. Again see how the second sentence is stronger? You dont need all the "thats".

I dont know if you use Word to write, but there is a way to adjust your spellcheck for more advanced grammar checking and it will automatically point out all the passive sentences to you. At the end, it will give you a percentage of passive sentences in the piece. Try to have as few as possible. Sometimes it just cannot be helped, but if there is anyway to remove "had" and "that" without changing the meaning - do it.

Also, you have a few common punctuation errors here and there - nothing major.

Beyond that, you have a very good "voice". Meaning you write very much like I imagine you speak. That is good. Writing is like talking on paper. It is refreshing to see young kids actually taking advice and writing what they know about -- simple stories about kids.

Keep writing and good luck. You are off to a good start. C.

Answer 2

thats a nice start to a story that you have clearly invested some thought and feeling into. for suggestions i would ask you to try and avoid what is called "the passive voice." also don't be too anxious to hop from one scene to the next until you have fully explored how much of the story's action you can accomplish in that one scene. and finally, keep on writing. you have talent.

Answer 3

girl can you ever write!!! i read both your story and the two poems and i loved them all! you got to either get the story published when it's done or keep posting the new parts on storywrite. thanks for posting it :) i liked having something to read. now i really want to know what your going to do with Chris.
peace

Answer 4

Maybe you could start more sentences with different words
Also, when he walks away at the end, wouldn't he be limping instead?
Anyways...pretty good.