Where do I stand in this situation?

Question

My best friend is finally planning her wedding. She's been living with her boyfriend for the past 4 years and has been looking forward to this wedding ever since. The problem is the groom. He's self-centered. He never does anything for her. He makes empty promises all the time. (He's been promising an engagement ring for 4 years now and always makes excuses when it's time to produce one.) He does drugs. He's got no education. He can barely keep a job. He lies to her. And I can go on.
So what's my position in this? I can't stand to see her marry such a waste of life but at the same time I don't want to ruin her moment of glory. She's been looking to one-up me since me and my fiancee got engaged. She sees this as her chance. (i'm okay with it. it's not a competition to me.)
Should I say something?
I don't want to hurt her but I couldn't bear to see her marry him.

I have tried to talk to her before about him. She gets very defensive and attacks my relationship. I firmly believe she is just in love with the idea of marriage instead of being in love with this man.

Answer 1

As her best friend, I think you should tell her exactly how you feel. She may hate you for a while, and it might even change your friendship forever. But if you really care about her, you'll do it anyway. I have a friend who was another friend's best man, and he felt the same way about the bride. He felt sick about it for weeks before the wedding, and never said anything because he was afraid. Now this couple has the worst relationship we've ever seen, and she's horrible to her husband. It's better to save her from a life of misery (even if it bursts her competitive bubble) than save her feelings for a while. If you do decide to tell her, expect that she probably won't listen at first. But you'll know you did what you could. After that it's still up to her.

Answer 2

You don't find it odd that for years he's been promising her an engagement ring and only produces one after you got engaged? Its obvious your friend is jealous of you and you may think its not a competition but that's how your friend sees it. She probably pressured this "loser" into getting a ring because her best friend got engaged. Let your friend marry who the hell she wants. What's it to you? Just be there for her when he surely leaves her. People will do what they want to do. You can talk to her until you're blue in the face. The more people talk **** about him the more endearing he becomes to her.

Answer 3

Ultimately, there is nothing you can do. If you've tried talking to her, and she won't listen, then there is little you can do. You could refuse to be a part of her wedding, and shun the whole thing, but you will probably lose her as a friend that way. I would once again try to talk to her and point out all his faults and how hard life will be for her. How she deserves better. If that doesn't work, then you just have to bite your tongue. If she wants to ruin her life, it's ultimately her choice to do so. All you can do is be there for her when it all falls apart, which it looks like it will, or walk away. When she comes crying to you later, you can tell her you tried to warn her.

Answer 4

He sounds like a real winner and good luck to that poor girl. I can't even imagine if he's like you say he is why she has even stuck it out this long let alone marry him.
If you are very sure about the accusations you have made of him are true then maybe it is time you sat down and had a very frank talk with your friend.
You sound mature and dependable.....but will she listen to you.It's worth a try and then at least you can say that you did try to help her.If not.....you can only stand by and be there for her.
Don't worry about her moment of glory because if what you say is true there will be no glory.Only a lot of hurt down the road.
Good luck with getting through to her if that is the route you take.You sound like a good friend to me.

Answer 5

i would just try to talk to her. tell her that you love and care about her and that you dont want to see her hurt. but if she wont listen just be prepared for her wrath. show her support and be there for her when her marriage fails, since it seems it will from what you have just wrote.
i have a "friend" (we have a rocky relationship right now) who also tries to one up me on things. i was married first, but she was with her husband longer ect. wether its how long we've been with our husbands, the type of wedding we had, down to where we live. shes always been like that the entire 8 years ive known her. i ve come to realizewith help of other people that it is just a huge jelousey. although i dont like her husband (we have never gotten along) i try to support her in her decisions no matter how wacky they are. just be a good friend and help her out through all the tough times she will have. maybe point out to her all the things hes done wrong or promises hes broken to her and ask her if shes sure she wants to go through with it.

Answer 6

the only thing that matter is what she feels with this man... everything else is just plain "nothing"... would you be fine if you friend tells you to not go out with the man you're with? have you ever asked for advice and didn't do what your friends tell you? it's the same thing... she knows what she's doing and she's knows the consequences.. ( if you think she doesn't know... ask her if she for sure she knows what she's doing... but that's it.) don't get into the mix with things that you can't really do anything about... if she get through this and needs your help in the future... then she have a friend to turn to.

Answer 7

What a loser. You would be doing your friend a disservice by allowing her to marry this clown. You want your friend to be cared for and protected for her entire life, not having to chase and clean up after this loser. Tell your friend exactly how you feel about her loser boyfriend and if it ends your friendship, then at least you don't have to suffer through her late night crying phone calls. She's asking for trouble and staying with a loser is not going to benefit her in anyway. She needs to get away from him, and grow a backbone. You need to guide her away from this man and into some counseling.

Answer 8

That sucks that you have to see her w/ this idiot! But, honestly, there is nothing you can do about it. You could talk until you're blue in the face but nothing is going to change except for the fact she's going ot be mad at you for coming forward. As crappy as it sounds, it's true. No one can make anyone change the way they think, but them. Easily put, she's going to have to learn on her own. Maybe after being married to him, she'll realize nothing is going to change. It will more than likely end in divorce, and that sucks, but it's the sad truth.

Answer 9

You need to tell her what u told us because if she marries this guy it will be the biggest mistake of her life and she will probably end up doing drugs with him in the future or she will end up in a divorce.

Answer 10

That's a tough one. It would be hard for me not to want to take her aside one on one and give examples of his drug use and self-centered behavior and say that you wish more for her than that. Maybe she doesn't feel like she can do any better. I wouldn't mention her trying to one up you though. It would just cause her to not want to listen to you and become defensive.