leave your jokes here.?

Question

i will wait 10 minutes and state who has the best jokes.


one joke only or you will not win

Answer 1

The Speed Ticket

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whos car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a ***** told you I was speeding, too.

Answer 2

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in

the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30

minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a

ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to

put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and

knock

the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls

off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The

bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the

back of the van."



He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks

the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Answer 3

These 3 guys were playing golf. Jesus is 1st, so he hits the golf ball and it foes into the lake. He walks over onto the water and the ball floats up to the top. He hits it and it misses the hole. Moses goes up next. He hits it into the lake too. He walks over and the lake parts. So he walks to the golf ball and hits it, but also misses the hole. The old man goes. He hits it and it goes to the lake, but a fish eats it, and as the fish is going back under water, an eagle catches it and flies into the sky with it. A bolt of lightning comes and strikes the eagle, then the eagle drops the fish right next to the hole, the fish spits the ball out and it goes into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says " I hate playing with your Dad". (alternate ending: Jesus looks at the old man and says"nice shot Dad")

Answer 4

I have one.

Once there was a cheerio. One day he decided he wanted to upgrade and become a honey nut cheerio. So he did chairty and other good things and he woke up the next morning a honey nut cheerio. Then he decided, i want to be a fruity cheerio. So he did more charity and worked at the soup kitchen and the next morning woke up a fruity cheerio. He again decided to upgrade. He wanted to become a frosted cheerio. So he did all charity possible and woke up the next morning a frosted cheerio. Then he went to a party and he could not decide want to drink. He decided " I think i want some milk." So he went to get milk but there was a milk line. Then he said, "I don't want milk, I want water." So he went to get water and there was a water line. For hours he didn't know what to drink and finally he deicded to get some punch. So he went over to the punch bowl and there is no PUNCH LINE.


Get it?

Answer 5

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

Answer 6

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse is my testicles black?"

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, and holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says, "There is nothing wrong with them."

Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies
"That as very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

Answer 7

a little boy was at school. his teacher called on him to ask him the four letters of the alphabet. he doesn't know, so his teacher asks him to go home and ask people. first he asks his mom. she was talking on the phone. he says, "mommy, what is the first letter of the alphabet?" she says, "shut up!" next, he goes to his sister and says "what is the second letter of the alphabet? his sister is listening to music and sings along with it. she says "ooo baby lets do it" next he goes to his brother, and asks "what is the third letter of the alphabet" his brother is watching batman and says "dunununununu batman!" on his way to school the next day he stops at the bakery. he asks the baker, "what is the 4th letter of the alphabet?" the baker screams, "my buns are burning my buns are burning!" at school the teacher asks him, " what are the first 4 letters of the alphabet?" he says "Shut UP" she says "young man, would you like to go to the principals office!?" He says " ooo baby lets do it" she gets very mad and sends him to the principal. in the principal's office, the principal says, " what is your name?" the boy says "dunununununununu batman!" the principal says, "what is your problem?" the boy says "my buns are burning, my buns are burning!"

Answer 8

2 Irish gays Patrick Fitzgerald & Gerald Fitzpatrick.....lol

Answer 9

How to horrify your mother -

step one pick up a grasshoper.
step two spread its legs
step three rub its legs together
step four repeat step two and three repeatedly while showing your mother
when she asks what you doing... give her one of these responses

1. Playing the worlds oldest, smallest violin.
2. learning how to spread em wide.
3. learning how to jump on anything with 2 legs.


:)

Answer 10

i don't know if this is best..but i got a kick out of it.

Q: If girls with big boobs work at hooters...where do girls with one leg work?

A. IHOP