Funniest JOKES?

Question

I've got an act tomorrow. I've actually got some pretty nifty jokes but does anyone have some great ones they'd like the share? What are your favorite jokes, ones that make you laugh like crazy!

Answer 1

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Why is it a nasty theory to play UNO with mexicans? because they are going to continuously thieve your eco-friendly-playing cards. A Mexican and a Blackman are in a vehicle. who's driving? A cop what's the distinction between a blackman and a bench? A bench can help a family members of four Why dosn't Mexico have an Olympic team? because easily everyone which could run, bounce and swim is already the following.

Answer 3

Got some:
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."

Answer 4

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Answer 5

I got a handful

Your momma is so fat, that when she sat on a quarter a booger popped out of Washington's nose.

She is so fat, that she has to iron her pants in the driveway.

She is so fat that she has to put on lipstick using a paint roller.

She is so old that she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.

She is so old that she was the only waitress at the Last Supper.

She is so short that you could see her feet on her drivers license.

She is so ugly when she was born the doctors slapped her parents.

She is so ugly that when she walks into a strip club they pay her to keep her clothes on.

She is so dumb she failed a survey.

She is so ugly she makes onions cry.

She is so ugly that when she walks into the bank they turn off the security cameras.

She is so fat that when her beeper goes off people think she is backing up.

She is so fat that everytime she farts the NWS (National Weather Service) names it.

She is so fat that you have to take a train and 2 buses to get on her good side.

She is so ugly they moved Halloween to her birthday.

She is so old that when I told her to act her own age, she died.

She is so old that when she was in school they didnt have history.

Answer 6

This man comes to a stop sign slows down and keeps going.
A cop saw the man run the stop sign so he pulls him over. The cop asks "why didn't you stop back there?" The man replies
"well I slowed down." To which the cop says "o.k., I'm going to take out my nightstick and start beating you, and you tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

Answer 7

what did the blonde say when she turned the light on????? So are you all from the same football team.... and how did the blonde turn on the lights????? She opened the car door..... GOOD LUCK & MAY THE JOKES BE WITH YOU!!!!!

Answer 8

one day a dumb blonde was so upset hearing all the dumb blonde jokes so she decied to prove blondes weren't dumb so she told her hustband when he gets home from work she will be finish a puzzle. that night when he comes home he sees his wife in the kichen very very fusterated he asks her "what's wrong honey?"
blonde:"its this stupid puzzle its suppossed to be a tiger!!"
hustband:"*sign*....honey put the frosted flakes back in the box."

or

one day a blonde was so annoying with all the dumb blonde jokes people tell she decied to hang her-self as she got a rope and put it on the tree and was getting ready to hang her-self.
a couple minutes later to gents walk by and ask her wat she was doing
blonde:wat does it look like im doing ? im hanging my-self!
gents:well usually people put the rope aroudn they're necks.
blonde:duh but i couldn't breath !

no ofence to any blondes

Answer 9

Did you hear Michael Jackson is opening a clothing store?
All boys pant's are half off!

Answer 10

one of my funnt jokes is "y couldn't da little boy watch the pirate movie? because it was rated rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." its corny but my little brother told me it. I know its cornyyyyyyyyyyy.