My mum is being really horrible about my grandmother's death?

Question

My mother has always had issues about her relationship with my gran and complains that she is not loved by her or that my nan preferred her siblings. My mum has a real reputation as being a drama queen and my family and I have quite difficult relationships with her. Sadly, my grandmother passed away yesterday after a short illness. She was an amazing lady and really loved. This has given my mother all sorts of opportunities to stir and make trouble. She didn't bother to tell my sister in person that she had died but left an answerphone message on her mobile. When she phoned me to tell me that she had passed on, my husband answered and she just said "Tell her her nan's dead" and put the phone down. When I called her back, she started to complain about the cost of funeral flowers and that she wouldn't bother getting any. She also told me that she was planning on using the money that was coming to her from nan's estate to lay a new patio. She phoned my aunt and told her that I had

been demanding gifts back that I had given to my nan, which is completely untrue. To top it all, she refused to go and see my nan on her death bed and now is kicking up a fuss that the funeral can only be on a day that suits her, despite the funeral home already confirming that they can't delay the funeral for no good reason. My mum claims that if the funeral isn't on a certain day that she won't go and it will all be the fault of my aunt and uncle for "willfully" planning it for another day. She's retired by the way, so every day is good for her.

My sister is now saying that if she doesn't buck her ideas up, she'll never talk to her again. I'm sad because of the loss of my nan,but this whole situation is making me more and more angry. I feel as though I'm about to blow my top. Please help - this is hard enough as it is, without watching my family tear itself apart. How do I deal with my mum over this?

I should add that this is classic behaviour for my mum and it's a wondedr that we still talk to her! But I never thought she would get so childish over something so serious.

Answer 1

sometimes something can happen in the past that can bring bitterness and resentment,only your mum knows why she is like this with your grandma-she might be a spoilt brat,or just a nasty piece of work-On the other hand she could be feeling very guilty and upset about your grandma-You need to grieve for your grandma,so stand back let some of the others take over. Concentrate on yourself and deal with your mum situation after the funeral. i had a simular problem but wlth brother when my mum died.It feels like your head is going to explode because you dont understand why they dont feel the same as you.Sometimes you just have to execpt they arent like you and that is a very difficult part to cope with,but you do.keep your chin up good luck

Answer 2

Really sorry to learn of your loss. It is obvious you loved your nan dearly and at a sad time like this emotions are running high with all those concerned. Coping is difficult enough for you but a little word of advice would be to grieve in your own special way and difficult as it is try and refrain from getting involved in arguements with your mum. This will be hard but each time you are about to say something to your mum just think of your nan. Arguing with your mum would be undignified and really insulting to your nan's memory immediately after her death. Despite it being your mum's fault that an arguement may start it is best to just to rise above her. The one fortunate thing for you is that your mum has brothers or sisters so the funeral arrangements will be out of your hands and anything your mum has to say regarding the arrangements should be to them. As your nan was so well loved the lack of flowers from your mum will not be missed. Just one thought which you may or may not feel worth consideration is that if your mum continually behaves as you have said there is something behind this spiteful unatural behaviour which only some of sort of qualified person could get to the bottom of. However, it is a bit like the alcoholic, gambler etc the person themself much realise they have a problem and want to seek help. Take care over the next few days until the funeral.

Answer 3

Honey, I am so sorry you are having to deal with a Mother like that. I believe every word you are saying because in my 76 years I have known women that just seemed to work at making everyone around them miserable.
It is near my bedtime and I am very tired. I am going to my bedroom and pray for your situation. I would say to you, as far as your Mother goes, do not say or do anything that you would ever feel guilty about but you must distance yourself from her behavior. I would not even comment on remarks about the patio and her rudeness & etc..
I do think you need to take a stand and when she starts up with stuff that is negitive and demeaning especially concerning your Nan. Say "Mother(or whatever you call her) I am tired of hearing this. I am not going to listen to it anymore." Be Firm.
You are an adult and this drama is completely uncalled for. As long as you do it respectfully you will have nothing to be sorry for. Just do it~ Jill

Answer 4

Your experience with your grandmother was not the same as your mothers.
I do agree she shouldnt have reacted so callously to her siblings however it is possible she was treated badly.
There is really no way to prove if she imagined it or not. So your going to have to be a little understanding. I knew one family that had about 5 kids and for some reason they singled one out for abuse. It was a sad situation.
I know another family who had a child who was born with minimal brain damage and the mother put all her affection into that one child (she ended up doing him more harm by sheltering him). These things happen in families. Your mother feels bitter and unloved. Try to be understanding. And grandparents many times treat their grandkids better then they did their own kids, so dont judge your mother by how grandma treated you.
Instead give your mother a hug and tell her your sorry she didnt get the love she needed as a child and that you love her.

Answer 5

You are in a difficult situation, trying to grieve for your nan but having to put up with all this extra crap on top.

Is your mum struggling with her own grief maybe, sounds like it to me. She's all trying to organise things and making the wrong decisions in the process, sounds like her mind isn't in the best place. Sit her down and talk together about your loss, she might just need a shoulder to cry on and time to mourne.

I would try that and just try to let the problems wash over you, focus on your grief and remembering your nan, you can deal with all the mistakes your mum has made, afterwards.

Answer 6

Grief effects famillies in different ways.Some will be angry,some withdrawn, some emotional, it's just people expressing their grief.Try to understand it's not easy for any of you.
All of you are suffering the loss of someone you love.
Take care of yourself,eat and get your rest and spend some time with friends who can give you support without being too closely involved. Just think of all the wonderful times you spent with your nan and how lucky you were to have her.

Answer 7

Your mum is a COLD woman. She's might only wake up when she's old... That's very hard for you... Grieve for your nan, hold her memory dear, cos she was naturally sweet & once in a while point out to your mum the error of her ways- that's all you can do.
I feel sorry for you!

Answer 8

Keep out of all the hassle attend the funeral and if there is any trouble escape as soon as you can, your mum sounds a nasty piece of work I would avoid her after your nan is laid to rest she will continue to cause everyone trouble.

Answer 9

HHmm your mum sounds like a spoilt brat, dont worry about what she told your aunt about u, no doubt she knows what ur mum is like. I'd ignore your mother and her behaviour, just plan the funeral u know ur gran would want, dont let ur mum's selfishness add to everything else

Answer 10

Sorry for your loss.
It is possible that she is being horrible to mask how she really feels. Guilt can do funny things to people at a time like this. Maybe she feels guilty that she never resolved her differences with your nan while she could. Try telling her how upsetting it is to you when she speaks like this & hopefully, if only out of respect for you, she will modify her behaviour.
I hope you feel better soon.