Kids in public??

Question

How do I handle nosy people who think my son is "bad"? He has Asperger's a form of Autism. And being in public can some times be hard. I don't think it is there busines what is wrong with him so what should I say when someone thinks it is thier job to tell me how to raise my son? Also how do I explain to parents with other kids that my son is afraid of other kids and not to keep sending there kid's over? This happens at markets, resturants and such. I home school him so school is not a problem but I do want to be able to take him out. One big problem we have is elderly people he talks very loud and I have lost count how many times he has been yelled at or I have been told I am a bad mom!

Answer 1

Oh honey, I'm sorry. I know how difficult that must be for you.

You should look around for a local mom's group that could provide you with support. Or try an online forum. I did a simple search and this forum: www.spiffymoms.com has a section for mothers of special needs children. The best advice you can get is from someone who has been there.

I would probably say as calmly as possible, "He has special needs, please give us some space."

I hate that people are so inconsiderate. I hate to see people berate mothers in public thinking they know what's best for someone else's child. It's the most unhelpful thing I've ever seen.

Answer 2

Firstly you're doing really well integrating your son into the community as best you can.

As to the young children, just tell them that your little boy can't play with them at that moment and if the parents are rude and ask why tell them he is austic. There's been enough about autism on tv now that the term won't be unfamiliar to them.

As to the seniors, just say to them I'm sure when you were younger your children embarassed you sometimes too, my son is disabled and can't help some of his actions, thank you for understanding. We sometimes both need to be out in the community and this is one of these times. I'm sorry he's disturbing you and then just go on with what you are doing.

My mum developed MS later in life and often little kids would ask questions of her and the parents would pull them away like Mum had some kind of contagious disease. Children learn from parents and grandparents how to behave around people with disabilities but generally behave better than parents or grandparents in most cases.

Don't let ignorant people who have no concept of raising a child with a disability ruin your self-esteem as a parent.

Answer 3

First of all, people need to chill out and not be so judgmental. Sorry for their rude behavior. You are right about not having to justify how you handle your son. However, I personally think it is important to tell people that your son has Asperger's to educate them. His behavior doesn't make sense without telling them, and people need to learn more about Asperger's. You don't need to go into a lot of detail, but you can say, "Thank you for your advice, but my son has Asperger's. He has problems processing the information around him, so sometimes it is hard for him to be at a (store, restaurant, etc.). It would be very helpful if (you would just leave us alone, not get so close to us, speak to him in a calm voice, etc.)." I think this goes for children too, but you might want to use some other words. My children who are three and seven would understand.

Your son is probably not the first child with Asperger's that others will encounter and almost certainly won't be the last. I understand your desire to not have to explain your son's situation, but at the same time, it obviously bothers you when people stick their noses in where they don't belong. It is also important for your son's development to be in public and to have quality experiences while you are out. Sometimes you need to give people the information they need to be able to help you give your son safe, considerate experiences in public. It takes a village to raise good kids, so let your village know what they can do to help instead of sitting back being so judgmental about your mothering. I am sure you are doing the very best you can to help your son navigate the world.

Answer 4

I feel for you! I've worked with special needs kids, including some with Asperger's and I know it's not easy. Those people should be ashamed!

There was an article in this past month's issue of Today's Parent in which a mom was telling her story exactly about that issue. She said how difficult it was because her daughter's disorder is not visible like, say, down's syndrome. No one would ever walk up to the parent of a Down's Syndrome child and say 'what a bad mom you are'

Really all I would do is say 'My child is autistic, would you like to mind your own business now?' That should make them feel pretty small :)

Answer 5

Frankly....who the hell cares what people think?
Especially if you have a special needs child?

You don't owe anyone an explanation.

And if someone does offer unsolicited advice...my advice to you is to MORTIFY them so that maybe they learn their lesson and shut their mouths about things they know nothing about...

Nothing pisses me off more than unsolicited advice from people who think they "know best" Sorry, but I was given unsolicited advice from some old bat at the grocery store the other day on something with my son...it enraged me.

If it were me, and someone came up to me and told me what I should do with my son, I would ask them how much practical or professional experience they have dealing with special needs children? I'd ask them if they happen to have thier PHD in childrearing handy so that I may inspect it. And then I'd also ask where the heck they get off yelling at my child or passing jusgement on me when they don't even know me...And then as their chins were dropping to the floor ...I'd just walk away.

Good luck mamma.
Don't listen to a damn thing anyone says, you love your kid, you're doing a great job and anyone who doesn't like it should just shut up.

Answer 6

Ignore those people. It hurts when society can't accept that all children are not the same. You can't very well get up and tell the world your story, so you have to go with the flow. Something like - "I'm sorry he's so loud." Don't tell people why. Elderly think its their business to tell the world what to do. Let them and say Thank you, move on if you can. Smile at them, that's all they want from you really! It's so hard, and I truly understand. Good Luck!

Answer 7

I am so sorry this has happened to you but I think the way that I would handle it is to tell other children that he just doesn't feel like playing today but thanks for wanting to meet/ or include him. To others, I'd say that I'm sorry he is upsetting you but he has Asperger's and that he has no ability to control his behavior. People don't mean to be cruel but often are totally uneducated. I know it feels personal but it isn't really. If they understood, they would be applauding you and giving you a reward. Another thing that just came to mind is to carry around a flyer about Asperger's and just hand it to the person who gives you dirty looks or speaks unkindly. Best wishes.

Answer 8

You are absolutely right - that's none of their business, and they should not be nosing, but I do understand how it's hard to deal with jerks like that.
I'd just tell them: "Hey, you, let me handle my own family the way I want and mind your own." Just be strict and don't hesitate to tell anybody off.
If you don't want other kids around just whisper to their parents with the wink that your kid has a suspicious rash or is a biter, and be sure they will not send their peers over :)) It may not be pleasant but you'll get what you want :)
And you are a wonderful mom - don't listen to anybody who tells you otherwise, ask them if they want to proof they are the opposite.
Good luck to your and your baby.

Answer 9

I've had total starngers try to tell me how to raise my kids and all I've said, as politely as possible was" thanks but your opinion isn't welcome, my children are perfect just the way they are". Good luck, I know what autism is all about and I have to commend you on being a great mom... not all moms would be able to deal with all the demands and emotional spurts that autism can bring about. Good Luck !!!

Answer 10

I would just tell them to mind their own business. People can be so ignorant. If people send their kids over, maybe you will just have to tell them.