Help me out: Ethics and fatherhood?

Question

I asked this a bit ago, but it didn't seem to post ... so I ask again! :)

Two responsible adults who were trying to avoid pregnancy wind up pregnant anyway. They are friends and do care about each other, but they are not and do not wish to be in a serious relationship. The woman wants to keep the baby. The man doesn't want a child at all.
From a purely ethical standpoint, what are these two adults' responsibilities to each other and the child? If she is choosing to have a child he absolutely does not want, should she simply absolve him and assume all responsibility for the child? What responsibilities, if any, should the man have to the child?
No knee-jerk make-the-jerk-pay responses, please.

Answer 1

If he doesnt want the baby that is his choice, BUT he might feel differently whenever she HAS the baby and he sees his child for the first time. SHE is under NO obligation to terminate her pregnancy just because of him, she can keep the baby even if he doesnt want her to. He should be paying child support, but that is between the both of them.

If she really wants to keep the baby, she should explain this to him. She can explain that she doesnt want a relationship, but she would like him to be a part of his child's life. They can figure out joint custody or a weekend arrangement. She shouldnt absolve him completely, if she is definetly sure that the baby is his, even if she isnt seeking anything from him, make sure that she puts his name on the birth certificate. That in itself will enable her to seek out child support in the furture if she needs to. The rest is up to him, but like I said he might feel differently when the baby is born.

She is more than capable of having/raising a child on her own. The road that she is choosing may not be a great one since he doesnt want anything to do with the baby, but tell her to seek out her family. They will probably be supportive and helpful.

He should respect her wishes to have the baby if that is her choice, and step up and be responsible and take part in the caring and raising of his child. But we dont live in a perfet world where all men are responsible enough to step up and take their medicine, hell even some women arent. She cant make him WANT the baby, but she can get his half of child support if she wishes.

Answer 2

First of all,whoever the woman is, she is a hero if she is willing and ready to take responsibility for the baby, and she definitely wont regret it!!
Concerning the problem I think that the man might not know that he wants to have a baby now, thus I think he should be as involved as he wants to. He might get interested with the time. And if a woman is wise enough, she should put no pressure on man. If we talk about responsibility (human not legal) I think that if adults are responsible it would be smart and honest for the baby, to discuss baby related questions and take decision together, it would be also honest to agree on financial issues and decide who manages what expenses. And the biggest responsibility is to love and care about the baby. All these things shall be done amicably and from the heart, otherwise probably there is no point. And also there is no rule that you should definitely be married and be together to be a good parents. The more important thing is to make baby happy, there is too much bad things in the world, to make little baby suffer just because two adults can not be reasonable..


And do remember that:
-1. Humans mind is not constant.
2. You cant force somebody to be something he doesn't want to be.
3. Woman is able to already love the unborn child, man most commonly, needs to feel/see the baby.

Good luck

Answer 3

Well it does take two to make a baby. So if she does decide to keep the baby, then he should still pay for child support. For the obvious reason.. it takes two to tango.... it shouldn't matter if he doesn't want the child or not. All that matters is that these two friends made a baby, and so the baby shouldn't be the one who gets left out b/c the father of the child doesn't want him/her and doesn't want to pay. I'm not saying make the jerk pay... i'm just saying that accidents can happen, and if you were both using protection like responsible adults, and she still got pregnant, well you can't just ask her to absolve you of paying. I mean you can still stay friends if you wish, but honestly if she is going to keep the baby I would think that you would want to be there for the baby. Even though you didn't want the child, just seeing the child grow into a responsible adult themselves you are going to swell with pride and you are going to be happy that she did keep the baby. You two don't have to have a relationship though.. maybe for appearances sake for the child, but other then that no if you don't want to. So that is just my opinion on the fact. Goodluck and hope everything works out for you.

Answer 4

Ethically? He should do the adult and responsible thing and help her through the pregnancy/delivery/child raising. The man has no idea what it is like to have a life growing inside of them. Its very easy, from the male standpoint, to say "abort." Its different when there is life inside of you. Regardless if the man wanted the baby or not, the baby is made. Sex, at any time, can result in pregnancy, despite your best efforts. Since the woman didn't make the baby on her own, the man is ethically, morally, and yes, even legally responsible. Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Here is my take on it. Sex is for procreation, we are above all else, animals, and sex is for the continuation of the species. Sex is enjoyable because we are HARDWIRED to make more little humans, so when we are adults, out there having sex, one of the possibilities is creating life, thats a biological fact. So, even though he didn't intend for it to happen, he should in the back of his mind have a plan for that possibility. He has now created a life. Ethically speaking, if he wanted to ensure that he never had a child, he should have been sterilized or not had sex. Don't tell me that's not realistic, because you didn't ask for realistic, you asked for ethical. Ethically speaking, he now has a child on the way. At this point it is NO LONGER ABOUT HIM, his responsibility and priority should now be this child, and he should work with the woman to come up with a reasonable plan to care for , support, etc. the child. It kills me that people can sit here and say, "well I didn't mean for it to happen, and because I didn't mean for it to happen, I shouldn't have to shoulder the responsibilities or deal with the consequences." THAT is one of the key problems with our society today, NOBODY wants to own their actions and live honorable and morally and yes, ETHICALLY,...people are incredibly selfish and prefer to live the easiest route, not the right route. And that is not a knee jerk make the jerk pay response....why is taking responsibility for his actions considered 'paying'....having a child and becoming a father could be the richest reward this man will ever know.

Answer 6

Well truthfully you are responsible too. I am not sure if you can sign your rights away because i am sure if it was that easy a lot of dead beat dads would do that. You will need to pay child support. Has she said she will do it without you? If she wants to continue without you she can. If you are friends you should be able to talk to her about leaving your name off of the birth certificate. This is very tough. Do you live close? If you are not part of the child's life what do you think will happen to your friendship? What if you run into her and your baby one day? How are you going to feel? Can you live your life knowing that you have a son or daughter somewhere out there? Are you going to want to be part of the babies life in a few years? Can the mother financially support the baby on her own? How old is she? Does she have support of her family? Sorry to ask so many questions but you really need to think about. Anyway being a mother/father is the greatest thing in the world. Think about it.

Answer 7

well as the law stands the man will have to pay child support if the women seeks it ethical or not.
Since she knows full well your opinion she may just leave you completely out the picture this is becoming popular more and more often.
however you can not forget that you had this child and when you do enter a relationship where you want children you need to be honest and let her know about this child since in 20-25 years the baby may want to meet you.

when it comes to ethics I am of the you played you pay rule any time you have sex you can make a baby, if you were the father of many children it could cost you a ton of money for just a little bit of fun I dont think its worth it. I am very much the wait til marriage type (and I did) but I think it makes alot of things less complicated.

Answer 8

How hard were you trying to avoid it? Did the guy wear a condom...EVERYTIME? Was the woman on birth control and taking it regularly? If so, I'm sorry, but sometimes it just happens.

Either way if the man is in fact the father, he should pay to support the child. If he truly did not want to have a child, he should not have been having sex.

I empathize with the situation as this happened to my fiance and I. We are in a committed relationship, and had been so for about 3 years prior. I was planning to continue my education by going to grad school, and he was just graduating from school. We were both in debt from school, and just not prepared to have a baby. I had been sick, and didn't realize that the antibiotics I was on messed with my birth control. When I found out I was pregnant, he pushed for an abortion, but despite the fact that I was scared out of my mind, almost lost the close bond with my extremely religious parents who strongly disapproved, and almost lost my dreams of continuing my education, I couldn't go through with an abortion. I just couldn't live with the fact that I was killing our innocent child. Don't get me wrong... I am prochoice, everyone is entitled to their own decision, but I couldn't do it myself.

I think the man should care for the child. Every child is born innocent, and needs a father figure for emotional, financial, and physical needs. It is not fair to the unborn child not to have a dad because something happened that you did not plan.

I'm sorry if you think the woman is being unfair or trapping you. If she is or she did, that sucks, but maybe you should have had this talk prior to sleeping with her. (My fiance knew that I didn't think I could ever follow the abortion route before we began sleeping together.)

In the end, think of your child. He or she is half your genetic make up. He or she needs your love and support. It is not fair to make the child miss out on opportunities because you feel the mother should be completely responsible for the child.

Good luck... and for the child's sake, try to enjoy Fatherhood!

P.S. Legally, you are obligated to at least pay support, but I would hope you would also establish an emotional relationship as well.

Answer 9

If he didn't WANT a child then he should not have had sex. Whether the two adults are "trying to avoid pregnancy" there are STILL no 100% effective forms of birth control ANY adult should know this and if they do not then they are NOT adult enough to partake in sexual intercourse because one of the consequences of sexual intercourse IS pregnancy and when one CHOOSES to have sex one CHOOSES to be responsible for ALL consequences that come from having sexual intercourse whether they WANT a pregnancy or not. Whether you want the "make the jerk pay" response or not you're going to get it because he made the CHOICE to have sex in the first place. If you don't want to pay then don't drop the pants and play...It is as simple as that.

Answer 10

Okay, let's review. The purpose of sex from nature's standpoint is to produce new organisms. Despite our culture's attempt to divorce sex from reproduction, that is the real purpose. As you have just found out, nothing is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy. Therefore, every time you have sex, you are, in fact, risking the creation of another human being. So, ethically, since the existence of this this child if 50% your doing, you have an obligation to financially support the child. But I also believe that you have an obligation to be a real father. I don't mean marry the mother necessarily, but to provide parental guidance and love, as well. Again, if you really don't want children, but you insist on having sex, you must go to the doctor and have yourself sterilized. Otherwise, despite your best intentions, as you've seen, little children are created. And they have a right to be treated well by both parents.