i lost my mother.......?

Question

my mother was my best friend. im only 22, she was a MAJOR part of my everyday life. we lived no more than 20 min from each other, & were always calling. one night i happened to be at her house, spending the night, & she took a bath & was having trouble getting dressed. i tried to help her & she collapsed in my arms. called an ambulance & went to the er. she was in the hospital for 4 days. she had 2 strokes, supposedly caused by an aneurysm, they did all the tests, & couldnt find it to seal up, & said it was too deep within her brain. it ended up clotting, they said it was a good thing. but her brain wouldnt stop swelling. no matter what they did. they did brain surgery to remove the clot in hopes it would relieve pressure, it didnt help. she had 1 more stroke, they ended up pronouncing her brain dead... she was my absolute everything in life. how do i deal with such a loss?? she was 43, and very healthy. this was soo unexpected. i dont think i can go on, i miss her soo much. HOW?

i want to thank everyone for their kind words... it has been very hard, but someone pointed out to me that i have to be strong for my sisters.. Marisa - 10 and Rachel - 5. Marisa wont let it out, she cries rarely. and Rachel, is still so innocent, ill be crying and she will walk up and tell me, 'dont cry, its ok, mommys in heaven now' and she says it soo sweetly that you just break down again. im still getting 'sorry for your loss, but happy birthday cards' did i mention that she passed 2 days before my birthday. makes it all the more difficult. well, i went out and bought books, and seeked help, thru the family, and i feel a little better, as long as i stay busy and try not to let my mind wander..

but thank you everyone once again. thank you soo much....

Answer 1

Give yourself time to grieve but don't stop living. It's too soon for you to see that the experiences and skills you learned from your mother will be of invaluable to others.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I'm very close to my mum and I can only begin to imagine how devastated you must be feeling right now.

Do you have family members or good friends that you can talk with? Sometimes, people will be at a loss to know what to say to you, and may often say nothing, for fear of upsetting you further. I think it would be good if you have someone that you can talk honestly with about how you are feeling.

I have to say that from my own personal experiences, that time really is the only thing that will heal your heart. How long it takes is different for everyone. I do understand that losing someone special in your life is almost a physical pain because your heart aches so much. Having been in that position, all I can say is that for a long time it seems as though you'll never get over it, and then one day you'll be surprised that they are no longer the first person you think of when you wake.

I wish I had some wise words to take away your pain, but I do hope that you have someone to turn to and wish you all the best.

Answer 3

ok, i hope that i can type because I am shaking. I too lost my mother only two months ago. She was my best friend as well. And she was only 59. So it sounds like we have a lot in common.
I can start by saying that this is something that you won't get over, either will i. I know that it is going to hurt everyday and some days more then others. I think that the best thing to do and what has helped me is to get close to the rest of your family. Spend time together; don't be afrid to talk about your mom. Talk about her as much as you can. You will find that it keeps her close.
Cry. Don't ever be worried about letting it out. I hurts so much and you have to let yourself feel it.
Talk. Find people to talk to, that have been through this or even if they haven't. You will be able to help others that have not had this happen to them.
KNow that you are loved and that she still loves you and that you will have the chance to see one another again, That has been the really thing that has kept me strong, knowing that I will see her again. God bless and good luck

Answer 4

I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I know this sounds so cliche, but have you thought about seeking counseling or possibly a support group? You might check with the local hospital and see if they know of any support groups that are set up for this type of thing. The best thing to have when going through such heartache is a support system. You may be surprised to learn that there are people who are going through a similar loss. Give yourself time to grieve. It's ok to be sad and hurt. This is so new and recent. Remember the good times and know that you'll be ok. Were her and your father still together? If so, remember that he is probably hurting just as badly as you are right now. Spend some time with him and grieve together. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Answer 5

I lost my mother 1 year ago suddenly. She was only 51. I was 8 months pregnant with my first child and her loss was devastating. I found that friends and family helped a little, but time is all that has eased my pain. I still cry a lot, but it does get easier to cope. I found that looking through pictures, listening to her favorite music and being close to her things made me cry, but the release from a hard cry felt good. If you have siblings or dad, they help the most because they are feeling this incredible pain also. I'm sorry that you are going through this, but trust me...the pain will ease over time. Laugh, cry and remember all the great things about your mom and hold on to those memories.

Answer 6

I lost my mother 2 years ago when I was 28. Like you, she was my very best friend and a huge part of my life. Your story sounds alot like mine, we lived 2 blocks from each other and went everywhere together, talked on the phone constantly. She was my best friend, biggest supporter, my life, my love, everything. My mother had a stroke and had to have a feeding tube inserted because it partially paralyzed her throat and they were afraid of her choking. The feeding tube got infrected, then she got sick as a result of the infection and when she vomited she aspirated it into her lungs as a result of the paralysis. Pneumonia set up because of the aspiration, added to the infection already in her stomach, then one of her lungs collapsed. It seemed like everyday something a little worse than the day before happened. Everyday my heart broke a little bit more. The suffering that I watched her endure was horrible, and I was with her holding her in my arms when she took her last breath because I couldn't bear the thought of her dying alone because I knew she would have never left me. This has been and still is the most painful thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I still dream of her, want to call her, whenever I am upset, I want my mom. I am 30, married, 2 kids and 1 on the way, but there is nothing in this world that would comfort me more than to feel her arms around me again. I guess to sum it up, what I am trying to tell you is, the pain will never go away, but with time it will get easier. I hurt all the time, but I do things that make me feel better, like flowers in her church where she went all of her life on her birthday and memorial date. I go to the cemetary often. I bought little angel figurines and put them with pics of my children there. My parents are buried together I lost my dad when I was 6, buy the memory frames and hang pictures. My mom was a former beauty queen and I have black and whites from the 60's all over the place. Keep her alive in your heart and she will live inside of you FOREVER!! Best of luck in your healing, it will come with time. I didn't believe it either, but it does. Take care.

Answer 7

I just lost my grandfather he was like a father to me because my father was never in my life. I think even when it is expected because he was elderly it is still hard to let go. I can still remember him telling me to go get is shoes or do anything else he needed from me. He died on my grandma's birthday and he was fine that day and suddenly he just died it was his birthday on valentine's day and I sang happy birthday to his tomb. And I wasn't feeling bad until Monday it kind of hit me that this was real and i have felt the same way but its part of the grieving process if you do however feel that it interferes with your job, or school you should seek a counselor the first months are tough and then it hurts less although it never goes away but you will not hurt as bad..I'm sorry about your lose...

Answer 8

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss, you are definately in my thoughts.

Now, do you have other family that you can talk to? It may seem hard to understand right now but over time you will be able to handle it. You will never forget, you will always miss her, but you will be fine.

Talk to those close to you, talk to a doctor or councellor. Grief is such a strong thing that you may need a little help expecially with someone so close and since you are so young.

Again, I am so sorry.....

Answer 9

I'll tell you what sweetie...when people "think" that they are helping, 9 times out of 10, they are actually doing more harm than good. Why not ask yourself this: If these people did not interfere with the love that you and your mother shared, do you think that she would still be alive and kicking? I bet she would...
You see sweetie, some women are put here just to show what a TRUE survivor is...some are here to play meek and feeble wife roles.
If you and your mother had that type of bond and possibly the best friendship, do your best to never forget it...because she won't either. It is a mother-daughter bond that may never be fully understood, but it is one that can never be mistaken either.
Don't miss her...just remember all of the great times you had together...and tell everyone who can't quite get it to ****-off!

Answer 10

Oh Amber... you're breaking my heart. My daughter's name is Amber too and she's my best friend. If I were there, I would put my arms around you and just hold you and tell you how terribly sorry I am. The death of some one like your mom leaves a hole that just can't be filled. The loss of your mom will always make you sad but over time it will become easier for you to remember the fun and happy times without dwelling on how you lost her. You have been so blessed to have had such a wonderful mother and she has left you with a legacy that you can pass on to everyone around you. Now is the time to reach out to your friends and family, they won't ever be able to replace her but they can help you as you heal and go through the grieving process. I don't know if you believe in the power of prayer but I'm going to print out your post and put it in my Bible so that I'll be reminded to pray for you. Again, I am so sorry that you lost your precious mom but she would want for you to go on; as a mom myself I can tell you that NOTHING means more to us than to see our children mature, happy and successful. Honor your mom's memory by continuing on with your life and continuing her legacy. God bless you sweetie.

Please feel free to email me anytime - I would love to know how you are doing. Also, I love the idea of keeping a journal - putting your feelings down on paper seems like it would bring such relief.

Answer 11

I'm so sorry for your loss. Most of us don't know what to say when we hear of someone losing someone close, especially a parent or child. For what it's worth, it's good that you reach out to others. There are support groups out there; people who have suffered losses and talk about how to deal with the loss and who support others. If you put questions on Yahoo and I see them, I will make sure I answer for you -- just so you know someone is here and someone cares about you. I'll help however I can, but the ultimate solution is in your hands.

First, get up every morning and say hello to your mother and thank her for every good second you had while she was alive. Then thank her for every bit of training she gave you because she gave you skills to deal with just about everything that will happen in your life. Don't obsess just greet and acknowledge. Let her know that you will never forget her and that you hope she will watch over you from that better place. On occasion, when you are feeling down, you might ask yourself what your mom might do in the same situation. Then, just at times when you remember something or you remember a special situation, say something like -- Hey mom, if you're watching, I want you to know how much I love you. Or, thanks mom for teaching me how to.....

Strokes are hereditary -- even though lots of med pros might disagree -- there is a deficiency in one of the genes that, when the circumstances are just right, they cause the deadly stroke, or worse, a stroke that is so debilitating that death would have been more of a blessing. (God, I know that sounds hard and I don't mean it to. I've just watched so many people, healthy people like your mom, suffer from strokes and then lose their memory, their ability to walk, talk, or do the most rudimentary tasks, requiring constant care from their children or relatives and those caretakers drowning in debt and when the death ultimately comes, they blame themselves because they think they didn't do enough -- that's the worst.)

You need to go and have a complete physical exam. Have your blood tested and heart and diabetes. You mom would want you to live a full and healty life and she would like to know that you would be around for your children and grandchildren. So, start by taking the best care of yourself that you can.

Take comfort in the fact that you were with your mom when she needed you and never let that go. You were there for her and that's so great!

If you believe in God, pray!

People in support groups exchange phone numbers so when you feel like the world is crashing in on you, you can call someone. I'd give you my phone number and let you know that you could call me anytime, day or night, but I won't put it on the internet. There are just too many people who abuse good things. So, in lieu of that, just re-read this answer whenever you're really down or when you ask another question, I'll give you another answer and you can imagine that I am on the phone or that I am out here supporting you.

Live, second by second, minute by minute and don't waste your time -- we all have a limited amount of it. God Bless You and Keep you in his arms.