Unhappy relationship advice?

Question

I know that Y answers isn't the best place for advice, but sometimes strangers help more than loved ones. I'm so unhappy in my relationship, but I don't want to end it. We've been together for about 7 months, but she shows virtually no affection; furthermore, she seems so outgoing and fun around others but quiet and introverted around me. I asked her what I can do to be a better man, and she said that the thought of me brings a smile to her face and that she is happy. She says that meeting me was like angels coming down from heaven, but she NEVER shows love for me. She seems cold. Sometimes, I'll mention something in e-mail for instance about how I feel about her, and she won't respond. She'll act like I didn't even say it. She is so guarded. She has been hurt in the past and has a beautiful daughter. I've fallen in love with both her and her daughter. Her behavior pushes me away, and I'm insecure as it is. It just makes me feel more insecure. Advice?

Her behavior makes my mind tick around her. I can't concentrate on little things like watching a movie with her. I just get lost in thought. It's just become a major problem, but I do love her. I've talked to her about the same issue twice now, but nothing has changed.

Thanks SillyKimm, but we're not married.

Answer 1

If you enjoy being a doormat then quit griping...otherwise get out of this sad scenario and move on...it will be less painful than what you are going through now. Not to mention what bad example's you are both being for her daughter. What you are IN is something that does not count as a relationship. I get lost when people just sit around and let people hurt them, it's so silly. I am not trying to be mean just honest.

Answer 2

I'll start off with this: My wife and I were once in this exact situation. I felt the EXACT same way you did. Here's some advice after living through it that I wish someone would have told me: 1. You answer your own question. Your own insecurity makes this an unhappy relationship for you. And as much as you think she doesn't, she recognizes your insecurities and is with you right now. Have more confidence in yourself. Don't blame yourself if she doesn't seem "jovial." Relax, stop analyzing everything she does. That coupled with your insecurity will only drive her away, and could be a huge reason she's quiet around you. Perhaps she's quite because she perceives you as insecure and she knows every move she makes is under a microscope. Having to constantly tell her how you feel or show affection is not you showing love, it's you reaffirming your relationship because you are insecure. 2. I'm not being rude, but having this mantality, will really, really, really help. It did wonders for my relationship. Pick up the gonads the good Lord gave you and reclaim as yours. Wear them proudly. Be a man. Sometimes that's what women want. I'm not saying treat her like crap. Start with small stuff. Make it goal to not say "I love you" to her until she says it to you. It's not proving a point, its more keeping yourself from over doing it with all the feelings. Progress from there. When you're watching a movie, it's not always grab *** time, sometimes, it's just to watch a movie. 3. She is guarded because she's a single mother. YOU WILL NEVER BREAK DOWN THAT GUARD...EVER. You need to respect it, and understand it. She has been hurt. Badly. She gave birth to a man's baby, and he left. That hurts and always will. And now you can restore her faith and you show your insecurity? How can she be secure in your relationship if you're not? I know this is a lot, and there's probably 100's of more things I could tell you, but mainly, just relax and toughen up. She knows you love her and she obviously likes you. Just remember that. And just because she's the life of the party when you're out, doesn't mean she wants to be at home. Maybe at home, she just wants to quietly relax in the company of a good man. Be that good man. My wife is the life of every party, and when its just us at home, we can go hours not saying a word to each other. And it's a comfortable silence. Whether we're both watching TV or reading books, or doing different things. It our time to decompress together. There was time I thought that meant there was something wrong, now it's the highlight of my day.

Answer 3

Well, it sounds as though she does care about you, however, has a very hard time displaying it(especially the way in which you want her to display it). You sound like a very sensitive kind of guy which is different than a lot of men I have known. It is usually the other way around.

Maybe you are expecting something from her that she just can't give to you? Especially given her hurts in the past, and being a mom now, she is probably quite guarded. She not only has herself to protect, but her daughter as well. Some people are also just not "warm and fuzzy" kind of people. The more you push them, the more they back away.

I am a very romantic and touchy/feely kind of woman. Yet I will say, there have been times when I dated a great guy but I just wasn't ready to be in the relationship that they expected. I had just gotten out of a bad situation and was somewhat closed emotionally. It seemed that the more I backed away, the more that the guy would try and pursue me. I would finally just end the relationship because I would feel so guilty about not meeting thier expectations.

Sounds like she needs time and space. If you really want her in your life, you may need to do all that you canto give her that and not force her intimacy right now or she may walk. Or, she may just never be capable of giving you the kind of emotion that you seem to want. It may just not be the ideal pairing.

Therapy has always helped if she is open to that. Otherwise, all you can do right now is just give her space and understanding.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I'm a lot like the girl you're describing (aside from the having a kid part), and intimacy can be a very scary thing to a girl especially after she's been hurt in the past. It's not your fault, but you need to ask yourself how much this is worth to you and how much longer you can keep going, because for this girl to get comfortable will probably take a long time. I would also suggest therapy, for her on her own (it has done wonders for me and if you're worried about medication there are plenty of therapists that won't prescribe it unless it is absolutely necessary), and perhaps even couples therapy if you see this as a long-term thing.

It's hard, but there's no fault of yours or hers, it just takes time for some people to get comfortable and be able to be emotionally intimate. Continue to show her you care, at least, and if you have to break it off with her, explain to her why, everything you said up there. Good luck.

Answer 5

Sometimes when we can't get someone to truly understand our feeling we have to seek help from a counselor. Your wife doesn't seem to understand how much you are suffering from this issue. We sometimes just don't know the right words to say or how to put them to get our point accross so that we are taken seriously. It seems to me that somethings is really on her mind. It may or may not have anything to do with you or your marriage. If she is not willing to talk to you about it mention counseling to her. For some reason I have a feeling that this may be that she is afraid of loving you so much. Some women have been hurt so bad that when they find someone good for them they can't handle it. They can't relax and enjoy the love that's in their life because they are waiting for something to go wrong. Some women have trouble leaving a bad relationship and not bring the same thoughts into the new one. If this is the case it would be hard for her to talk to you about it. My advise is getting her to go with you to counseling. Don't be unhappy in your relationship things will get better wants you get to the root of the problem and start working on it. Don't change who you are during this time with your wife or your daughter. Remain the fun loving guy you are and in the mist of all of this keep the family going. I feel she loves you as much as you love her. She is just having a hard time showing her true affections toward you. But she will come around and give you all the love you deserve from her heart to yours. Everything will be find, hang in there. The greatest gift you can give her is to show her love even when she can't show you. Good Luck!
p.s. Yahoo Answer can be a great place for advice. There are people that do care about other people lives. Take Care.

Answer 6

Ask her to go to a family oriented counselor (christian counseling services are good ones - just because they are listed as christian doesn't mean they preach to or at you). The man I have been dating for almost a year now knew the h--- I suffered with my ex, who was insanely insecure (no matter how reassuring I was), bi-polar, and cheated on me. He suggested going during our first few months when we realized how much we cared for each other. It was great! Even though I care for him a lot there were still things that bothered me about him and vice versa. Our counselor helped us work through those issues and realize why we do the things we do and gave us the tools and advice we didn't even realized we needed. We've both discussed things and have agreed to go back for regular tune-ups. Neither of us wants another failed relationship.
You might be reading too much into her behavior, also. Your insecurities may not be rational. Some people are just more reserved than others. Or perhaps she feels she can relax around you - the outgoing and fun persona might be put on for others because she thinks it's expected. Some men perceive 'affection' as constant sexual behavior. Most women don't equate sex with affection. It could just be that you both have different ideas of what affection truly is. Try to sit down and gently discuss your expectations - both of your expectations of each other. Maybe if you both understand what the other wants/needs a compromise can be reached that will be fulfilling to both of you.

Answer 7

I believe that you are a very good guy who is in love, but way too soft and quiet that kills the deal...Like my ex boyfriend who is a very nice, sweet and...boring man. I felt as all his life was just around me and nothing else, nothing new and interesting. He kind of lost his personality near me which made me flatter in some way, but in major way it was miserable.

You have to have your own inner life and personality and she must feel it. You can express it with humor, argument or even with anger. Do not ever let her feel pity toward to you. Kindness is great quality, but it can't never be instead of love.

She was hurt before by bad guy, so she can see well that you are a good man with sincerely feelings, but she can't answer to you the same even if she really wants it. Because her mind tells her that go, be with him and her hart can't make a move. Because she isn't in love yet... Unfortunately, it might never happen.

Why? Because love doesn't depend on how good or rich, or smart man is. Well, smartness can help a lot if you can be that way smart. The way you can find out how to put love in woman's heart.
You have to feel it or at least learn it, man.

Answer 8

How sad for you. You sound like such a loving person and I am sure she is too. Have you talked to her about this? It must be crushing your heart with feelings of rejection. You know, you are right, here is really not the right place to seek advice with something as serious as this. Whenever I have had a serious problem I go into the web site for Dr.Phil....they have a team of professeional there that will answer your question. Just go into Drphil.com and go from there....go into "ask Dr Phil"....hope you find answers to your problems...don't give up on your girl. there might be something in her past that is getting in the way of her showing her affections towards you.. I so wish I could have been of much more help to you. Good luck to you!

Answer 9

Marriage counseling. Like me, I was hurt in the past and put up a big shield and once the relationship started getting better, I'd find a way to push him away and my feelings away. Marriage counseling can help her realize that she doesn't have to be afraid of love and that you two can work through anything together. She doesn't show love since she doesn't want to be hurt anymore. I pushed my husband away so much that we separated for two weeks, and believe me, two weeks is a very long time. You may want to do some reading as well. Marriage books, if you have faith, try some faith based books as well as a faith based counselor, they will help you work through your problems together instead of picking each other apart. Her behavior is being destructive to your marriage and I'm sure there are some things that you are doing that are destructive to your marriage. Please try marriage counseling, sounds cheesy, but it really does work. Let's not throw another marriage away! Please let us know how everything plays out. Good luck! :)

Answer 10

You can't change her personality. 7 months is not too long to have invested in a relationship, I don't see why you couldn't choose to end it if you can't accept this person for who they are. Part of loving someone is accepting all facets of their personality - not picking and choosing which parts you want to keep, and which you'd like changed. Perhaps you would simply be more comfortable around a more expressive person. Give it some thought. If you feel that you truly love her, you will have to learn to appreciate the whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. Picking and choosing is more characteristic of an infatuation rather than of genuine love.