moms wifes how you do it please hep?

Question

i have a 1 month old and a 2 years old my husbad works long hours a day and its mostly me alone all day with my kids i do all the house chores cook teach my kid spend time with him and breastfeed my 1 month all full time i get no help from him and its ok but when comes the night im really really tired sometimes i fell like i need to sleep now of course after i put my 2 kids to bed but when he come asking for sex im too tired my eyes close i can and today he said he wanted to go to work because i didnt have sex with him that hurt my feelings because is not i dont want too it just im to tired a 2 year old makes a lot of mess so i have to clean a lot and my 1 month only breastfeed baby demands a lot attention too. i want to know how i can simplify my day so i can have intimacy with my husband to?
how to make hime understand what im going too?
it really hurts my feeling what he said today because he is never home and when he is is time to sleep and i miss him so much is like he dont care

Answer 1

I wish I had an answer for you. I have some ideas, but nothing concrete without knowing both of you. You really need to talk to him about this.

He may be feeling useless and ignored. At work, he is a professional that is (I assume) respected. When he gets home he is no longer in control of his environment. There is a 1-month ball of crying pooping baby that requires all of your attention and the attention you have left is going to a jealous 2 year old. He comes home tired and expects his home to be a place of refuge against stress. But guess what? You're tired, too, and he can't just kick back like he'd like to.

What he needs to realize is that you are tired, too. Your job does not end at 5:00 like his does. Your job requires you to wake up at 2:00 in the morning to feed the baby. You have no set hours. Frankly, he's being a bit selfish, but that's completely normal and understandable. What he's going through is not wrong, but it's putting a strain on you and your relationship.

As to the sex thing, it's only been 4 weeks since the baby was born. Conventional wisdom says that you will probably not be ready for this physically until at least 6 weeks after the birth. That's just something he'll have to get over. The alternative is possibly causing you harm and getting a psychological fear of intimacy due to any pain received.

In the end, please talk this out with him after the kids go to bed. Set aside some time for each other each night if possible. DO NOT JUMP HIS CRAP ABOUT THIS! If you do, he'll get defensive and not listen. Talk to him calmly and ASK him to help out. Let him know that you are exhausted. If he doesn't listen, you may need to get professional help or councelling.

Good luck and I hope everything works out. Remember, this is the toughest time. It gets easier.

Answer 2

I think it's not that he doesn't care, it's that he doesn't understand. And he probably never will, so the best thing to do is help yourself. It sounds like you both want more intimacy, not that you're not interested. So get some help! Your toddler is old enough to participate in a play group occasionally, and the socialization would be good for him. Network with some other moms. Share ideas and help each other. For example, one week, your neighbor watches your kids while you do the shopping for both households. The next week, it's your turn to sit while she shops. Don't freak out about your housework, it'll get done. Make yourself a list of "must-get-done"s, like dishes, laundry, etc. Do all this stuff first, then tackle the next stuff in line. Perhaps invest in hiring someone to help a couple of hours a week. You are probably suffering from lack of contact with the outside world, so get out there. Other moms have things to share, as I'm sure you do. On the days when you've just had enough, hire a sitter to watch the kids for a couple hours before your husband gets home so you can recharge. A teenage sitter will do just fine, especially when your right there in case of an emergency. Another idea is to go for intimacy in the morning rather than at night. I don't have kids but I work all day, and sometimes I'm so exhausted I'll just fall asleep when my boyfriend's cuddling up trying to get some. I know, it's hard to find time in the morning, but it's a nice way to start your day! Don't give up, and try to talk to your husband about the problem. Not complain, just talk and try to brainstorm some solutions. Good luck!

Answer 3

Honey this is one of the hardest trials of a new mother. You have so much going on and there is so little of yourself to give. I can sympathize, I have been there. I have a 3 year old, a seven month old (breastfeed) and am four months pregnant. If you do not feel like having sex use the baby as an excuse, the doctor does not recommend sex for at least six weeks, tell him it is too soon. Now in order to better organize your day you have to be in charge and not let the children "run" the day. Put your two year old on a schedule and stick to it. Let him/her know when nap time is and try to coordinate with the baby's nap time. If and when you get them both asleep, forget about the housework and take a nap!! You have to pick and choose what is important in your day, cleaning, kids, yourself, and put it in an order that best helps you. I got to school full time, work 2 days a week, keep house, keep my children whenever I am not at school or work (I am a firm believer that no one cares for my children as I do), and I try to keep my husband happy. I wish you luck and just remember that it will get easier as the littlest one gets older.

Answer 4

i wish my husband would go there! Honey, the next time hes off, make up an excuse like a fake doc appt. and leave him with both kids for a couple of hrs. When you come back and he complaines about how hard it was, tell him to imagine doing it all day every day. He goes to work, has adult conversation and has a lunch break and stuff, you never get a break. As far as being tired, I dont care what needs to be done, when the babies take naps, you drop everyting and take a nap as well!!! If your two year old will be three by sept, he can go to pre-k that'll give you a break. Untill then, if you can afford it, get a babysitter to come in and help out with the kids, you dont have to leave the house, just tell her that you'll be resting or doing chores while she tends to the kids...teenagers usually love easy money after school and they are full of energy! Trust me, i did it when my baby was smaller. Just sit your husband down and explain to him that you love him and you want him, and that he'll get alot more play if he helps out a little more. Dont nag him, the best way to get a man to do what you want is flattery. Tell him hes your hero for working and supporting the family, and when he gets home give him small task, like changing the baby, when hes done make him feel good about contributing. Also having sex in the shower is a great way to multi-task. You get clean and he goes to bed happy....just try it, sex always makes men more helpful!

Answer 5

First of all you will need to do a schedule fro example don't wash clothes every day... make a schedule where ( example) Monday you will wash all dirty clothes from last week and weekend plus wash daily dishes, cook luch and dinner spend time w/ kids. Tuesday Vacum or if you have tile you migth want to mop & sweep everyday the main parts of the house along with doing the beds and lunch too that's basically daily... make a list of what you do during the week inlcuding Dr's apointments, shopping etc. and then from there make a shedule... As for your 2 ys old there is two things you can start doing first make him pick up the mess he will learn little by little and he will become more independable, Or make him play ONLY in his room not everywhere he wants!!! That way you will have even more time for you to relax and for your husband but I think He should help too no matter he works long hours I assume he has days off he can help with shores too..I am a mother of 2 ( 6 & 2yrs) and expecting my 3rd in few weeks I work full time and my hubby has 2 jobs.. But still we have a shedule for the things that we have to do around the house. My kids play ONLY in their room and are allowed to eat ONLY in the table... And my husband helps around the house too, plus he does the yard, trash and he plays with the kids too it is part of his job too... So talk with your husband and express how you feel let him know that being a mom is not easy and make him understand that he needs to help too at least taking care of your kids while you can rest a little so you can have time to be with him .... GOOD luck hopefully he can understand you a little ..Best wishes !!!!

Answer 6

To get him to understand how much you really do is very hard, but try asking him for the day off... make up an excuse, suddenly you may need to go shopping with your mother or you may have an appointment with your hairdresser. leave some bottles for the baby and then go. And don't come back til that evening He will have done all the household chores that you told him HAD to be done, when you arrive home full of life and looking to spend a romantic evening with him, and he says I'm actually rather tired, you say " Now you know how i feel every night".

If you dont feel like doing all that, remember to relax and nly do the chores that really have to be done! If there is something small to do that really can wait for anotherday, leave it! When your baby has nap time sit down and relax or have a nap time yourself, and maybeyour husband could help you more on his days off to get a few extra bits done... hope i helped...

Answer 7

Being foster parents with a house full of small kids usually 5 kids 6 yrs and under. There are nights when i just don't have the energy to have sex. I have talked about this with my hubby and I say I understand I am neglecting your needs because of the kids and I am really tired at night so we can solve this by compromising. I tell him when he wakes up in the morning and I not wearing any underwear ( thong) that is his Que to feel free to wake me so we can have sex. This has been working for about a year now. We don't argue over not have sex anymore because i go to bed at least 3 times a week without anything on..... we usually have sex only 2 twice a week. We also take advantage of free evenings.....

Answer 8

When the confinement nanny left, I was panicking and in total distress! My husband works 3 differnet rotating shifts, changes once every 2 days. Needed adjustments to a hungry baby awho breastfeed 1 hourly and long feeding time and a jealous 2 yr 4 mth boy who demand milk every time he sees his sister latching on, plus the ever changing different timing of my hubby around.! Yes, I was uninterested in sex too! Things seems to be better one I adapted and guess what she started walking at 11 month, things changed! From hungry becomes active, hyper-active and clingy! Cry when I am cooking, vaccumming, bathing... I becomed so so depressed! Sorry, my intention is not to scare you but to let you know that you are not alone! Have neighbours who stay home and have same age children whom you can approach for help or some unwindind time at some period ot your day? Try bringing your 2 yr old to the playground, you may meet some friendly stay home mommy at your neighbourhood.
My boy is 4 yr+ and girl 2 yr+ now. Things are alot better!

Answer 9

You sound like you got your hands full. I have a 11 week old and I go to work while dad stays home. I get up at night with he baby and feed hI'm, but im tired from that.....let alone having a 2 year old as well. You should talk to your husband tell him how over whelmed you are tell him its not that you don't want sex its that your tired. You may want to try having "quiet time" at home during the day. Even if no one naps. Shut the lights off put in a movie and tell your 2 year old its quiet time. It may or may not work but its worth a try. That will give you a few minutes to rest and take a load off. Heck your two year old may even fall asleep so you can too. Good luck to you. You do have your hands full

Answer 10

You need to talk to your husband. Also try to organize your day to make it go better. Only let your children play in one place. One or two toys at a time. Teach the 2 yr old to clean up after him/herself. Try to keep him involved as you can. set a nap time, same for every day. If you feel you need more help get the Nanny book. It was great I read it and it gave me alot of great ideas. Organization is the key. Stay organized and plan your days out.

As far as your husband. Like I said talk to him. If he is a good man he will understand how tired you are. Raising two kids is a very hard job. Good luck.