Is my 32 yr. marriage over?

Question

We moved to FL from OH about 4 years ago and I hate it here. I have asked my husband if he would ocnsider moving us home. I have medical issues that my docs in OH handle....docs in FL are not real good and I have been with my OH docs for years. Anyway, if I bring up OH he screams at me like a demneted fool. Even when I don't mention it he is cold, distant and goes to a bar several nights a week and say he is hanging out with our oldest son. Hubby is diabetic and had a heart attack back in 94....in other words sex stopped years ago. He tells me he has no interest in it and things like that. Last week he went to the bar and came in buzzed at 5:40 AM. I left and went back to my mom's in OH for about 6 months and although he asked me back to work on our marriage, it is a s dead as it ever was and he only "worked on it" for about a week, then back to his old self. He never says he loves me...nothing. I think its over.

Answer 1

You've answered your own question. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

I'd Have To Say That After 32 Years, You Know The Answer To Your Question Darl. No One Can Give You A Definite Answer As They Don't Know You? By That I Mean The Real You, Only You Know What Has Gone On In Your Marriage And I Think If You Have Medical Issues That You Are More Happy Dealing With Your Dr's In OH It's Time You Take Control Of Your Life And Look After You And What Is Best For You.
I Hope This Makes Some Sense To You, I Learned This Lesson Myself Some Years Ago Though Thankfully Not After Such A Lengthy Relationship And Marriage.
God Bless And Guide You And May 2007 Be A Good Year For YOU!

Answer 3

Oh, I'm sorry. I think you are right. At least for the emotional and physical part of it. The only thing that I can think of is...is it financially condusive to stay with this individual...or at least, stay married to this individual for status, finances and thats it?

I don't know if you tried counceling...it does help if you are both into giving it a go, and if you have a good councelor.

The thing is...even though the bad might be a lot on his part, you both are at fault for a variety of things..especially through such a long relationship. You do need to more independent for yourself. Such as, doing things that make you happy. If you are happy and are willing to look past some of the falibilities...it might work out.

Your husband may be suffering from erectile dysfunction--he might be depressed and feel that he is on his last legs...even if he is diabetic and had a heart attack. Him asking you back does mean that he cares something for you. Does he just love differently than you might think love should be? Some guys don't 'say' I love you...they just do things. Are you perhaps taking what he might do around the house for granted? Im just asking for sake of thought...nothing more. ...he may be in FL since this is the only way that he is able to see your son...and this might be the only way that he believes that he can spend time with him and bond. So what if he goes out and comes back buzzed at 5:40am...have you ever thought about insisting to go out with him? Or find friends to go out with yourself? Or to bond with your son in the same manner? Even if it was once in a blue moon? Something happend with your marriage...what happend to make him so bitter? Why is he so infatic about staying in FL? Also, I am surprised that you are unable to find a good doc in FL...FL is known for having quality care, due to that is where a majority of older people travel to and stay. I understand you miss you Mom...and there are probably friends in OH that you miss as well.

Giving up on this relationship might solve some issues, by cutting them off. But, communication is what you both might need. I wish you luck on which ever way you decide to go.

Answer 4

I have two takes on this.

1. I think it would be a shame to end a 32-year marriage. It sounds like you have some serious communication problems, and if you are truly interested in making it work, a marriage counselor is highly recommended. You desperately need a professional moderator to help you two work through your differences in a productive way. Problems like these CAN and ARE resolved all the time... but not ALL the time. Which brings me to this...

2. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. People change. People grow apart. Look inside yourself. Are you willing to work at making this relationship succeed? Do you still love your husband? If not, then it is time to move on. It is tough, but people do it all the time. My parents were married for 33 years, but problems were rampant. She did everything she could to make it work, but pops was not willing to make the effort. My mom wasted a decade of her life in a marriage that had no hope of succeeding. They finally divorced, and my mother is a much happier person than she was the last 13 years of the marriage.

What I recommend is that you get some personal therapy. Find out what is eating you up inside. Find out what makes YOU happy. Find out if there is still love in your heart. Make sure that you are mentally and emotionally healthy, and THEN make a decision on what is right for YOU. If that means working it out with your husband, then great! If not... still great! Good luck!

Answer 5

His excuses for no sex are monumentally lame. If the bars in Fl are like here in Calif. and close at 2 a.m, anyone arriving home almost four hours after closing time is sure to have had a stop over somewhere.
Your Dr. (quack quack) reasoning is also lame and a contrived excuse to want what you want. You are not happy in Florida, no truth twisting of that plain and simple fact is necessary. So...as my H likes to say in this type of situation, "Lead, follow or get out of the way" and that is what you should tell your H.
Sell your house, split the proceeds after paying off your mutual financial obligations and be done with it. You said he never says he loves you but I also notice you have not mentioned any love you may have for him.
Good Luck in your new life!

Answer 6

It sure sounds over. I don't think you are really interested in being married to him, first of all. You don't seem to agree on anything, even what state to live in. I guess the question to ask yourself is, "What's the point?"
If you could be apart for six months, and then get back together and have him revert to his old ways in only a week, he has no intention of changing.
Do you want to waste ANOTHER 32 years on a drunken, screaming, undersexed guy? Doesn't sound like a great idea to me.

Answer 7

Well, if you are seriously considering trying to save this mess, you need to seek professional help. Are you sure YOU want to be in this relationship? Do you feel anything close to love for this man anymore or are you just stuck in the same routine after so many years? Life is wayyyyyyy to short to stay like that, so take a good look at yourself and decide what you really want and go with it. You may never marry again, but you may be much happier with out him in your life. Why put yourself through all of this?

Answer 8

Well maybe he is a demented fool. You should sit him down and talk to him and look at the good things about FL and the bad things about FL and the same with OH. Talk to him about relatives and see where they are and see if FL or OH is nearest to them. Ask him why he decided to move FL and why he doesn't like OH. Maybe its something to do with his past or something like that. Just talk to him and if he doesn't listen give him the silent treatment and let him cook all his own meals and clean the things that are his. If he still doesn't listen, i think you should move back to OH maybe its for the best. Best Regards Matt

Answer 9

First of all....I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Step back and think about what is best for YOU! Do you really want to spend the rest of your remaining years living the way you are now? If he doesn't love you...then the marriage is already over and you're just roommates living in the same house. Life is short. Give some serious thought to what you want here.

Answer 10

Your husband needs to be held accountable for his actions and experience some real pain before he will change.
There is a saying that I holds true: In order for people to accept change, The pain of change has to be seen as less than the pain of staying the same.
While I can see that you are trying, you maybe part of the problem. My wife and I are both enablers when it comes to alcohol. Yet we both detest its effects in our marriage. So we struggle with on again / off again binge drinking.
The best successes we have had is when we draw close to the Lord.
I would recommend joining a faith based support group.

Answer 11

Okay, first of all don't get me started on Florida...home of the disenchanted and disenfranchised. No wonder your lonely, your only friend has dragged you to a new state (hard to replant after so many years) and disappeared into Florida's "party-world". It really sounds to me like your husband has entered his second childhood (women get menopause, men get to relive their youth). His medical complications sound more like his excuse than a reason. I work in healthcare and I can tell you that even on their way out they are still thinking about sex. He should see his doctor about this.

As for you, go to counseling without him. If you want to stay you will need support and strength. If you want to leave, you will need the same. As for the "I love you", please don't feel alone, even a man who really loves you can be uncomfortable telling you, it makes them feel vulnerable. They are as insecure as women. Make a stand and stick to it, he'll either step up to the plate or you can boot him to the door. I wish you luck.