I'm tired of my husband not listening. What do you think? I feel after 17 years I've had enough!?

Question

Married 17 years, two teenage boys. Everytime my husband and I agree with eachother about something and we have settled what we're going to do or not do, when it comes to his blood (my in-laws) or his friends in the community, he forgets what we've discussed and does them the favor of whatever they've asked. Well, hello, what happened to me? I'm invisible here. The only time he really listens if I scream or nag.

Alot of the friends he helps are women. Just friends who are also married. Or the wives of his male friends.

Answer 1

This is a normal tendency of men to do what ever they think they want to do. Your problem is a common problem and the reasoning behind it is when ever he agrees to you, actually in real terms he has not agreed. He just agrees to make you feel good and close the discussion.You may have a logical conclusion but in love and affection they do not stand.
The solution to the problems are very simple one.
1) You agree to what ever he wants to do for his family and friends. As you have agreed to it you will not feel diappointed whenever he does that. Please note this is not a compromise it is a change of attitude.
2) The second solution is much better and it will turn the table upside down. When ever there is a occasion where you and him are supposed to do some thing or give something, suggest some thing better then he does.
Love the people he loves, more then he does.
Let me give you an example. Say there is a occassion when you and him as a family are suppose to give some gift. You find out what that person would be happy to have. Suggest that in your conversation and let him give away that gift. Or say he decided to give a gift of 100 bucks you suggest giving 110 bucks. He will be happy to know that you value his family and friends more then he does.In any case if you do not agree to this he will still give that 100 bucks and you will be the one who will be disappointed at the end.
After few such occasion automatically he will start agreeing to what ever you suggest and then you have a say in every matter that he does for his family and friends. Win over him with Love and he will be your slave for rest of his life.
There are occasions when you hate a person in your in-laws or his friends, please every human being is supposed to be loved. Love every one on this earth. They are human.
This way you will make him feel that he and his family & friends are important to you.
There is no way of getting out from a relationship for such a stupid and small issues.
People may suggest you to leave him but that is not a solution at all.
In case you need more counseling and help please feel free for email counseling to counselor at [e-mail]

Answer 2

It sounds like your hubby does not like to disappoint people or create waves, he doesn't like confrontation. So he will agree with you (how many times when you discuss something is it in reality, you convincing him to see/do it your way?). You walk away thinking he's going to do what you want him to do, and he walks away thinking the same, only when he's in the actual situation, the pressure is too much for him and he does what he feels is right despite the conversation. I know all this, my husband and I have the same problem, only reverse. You aren't going to change him. He is listening, he simply doesn't really agree with you, and why does he have to agree with you all the time, why don't you try agreeing with him sometimes. If the things you are talking about aren't that big of a deal, why not just accept that he is a big marshmellow and put your energy into something more constructive? Try a different approach, if you want him to "listen" which in reality you want him to do what you want him to do, maybe you should read "The proper care and feeding of husbands."

Answer 3

Try the opposite approach. Don't scream, don't nag, don't even discuss. It may come off as if you don't really care, but it may bring peace in your household. Do you think he does these things because he knows the effects that they have on you? Just relax and focus on you. You only have one life to live, and I'm sure with raising two teenagers you haven't had much time for yourself. Try doing things for yourself, and not be so involved in the things that your husband is doing. Try the gym, a dance class, or even get involved in some type of charity. You wouldn't believe the type of satisfaction you bring your mind, body and soul. Don't get involved so much. Leave him alone. I'll bet anything he is doing these things on purpose.

Answer 4

Sit with your husband alone in a quiet place no interruptions and let him know how you feel, be nice listen to him as well and try to work on it. This is an acquired habit and will need time to be worked out, be patient he must have been a good husband for you to be married 17 years.

Your husband sounds like a helpful person so it may be hard for him to not help the neighbors and his family don't harp on it just try to let him see how you feel and seek him out to help you sometime so you don't feel left out.

Please don't scream and nag it has the opposite effect on him, talk quietly and don't degrade him or hurt his feelings.

Answer 5

C'mon Artgirl, step back and slap yourself back to reality. You state in your profile you know how important communication is - SO WHY AREN'T YOU COMMUNICATING? No, screaming and nagging ain't the key.

YOu need to sit hubby down and leave the blame and emotion in the closet. Discuss your feelings WITHOUT EMOTION about how you feel invisible and why. The key is you gotta "DECLARE" your feelings, then give him time to respond. Don't you dare interrupt him when he's talking though. Remember, communication is the key, and it may take several sit-downs to reach any kind of concensus aside from impass.

Answer 6

Instead of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, try doing something different. This takes slightly longer, but, when you and he agree and settle on a decision, put it in writing and have him sign it. Say, "Honey, lately I have been troubled because it seems like when we agree on something, there is no follow through. Maybe your understanding of what we decide is different from mine. So, would you please read this? If it is what you understand we agreed, I want you to sign it. That way there won't be any misunderstanding, and I won't be such a nag." He won't be able to weasel out of signing it, and, a man is much more likely to follow through on something to which he has signed his name.

Answer 7

Maybe he's not listening after 17 years of nagging

Answer 8

After 17 years, you know what he is going to do. So, plan for it. Think ahead. Don't expect him to change. Don't bother to make plans that he will change as soon as his friends or family comes over. That, or go without him, if what you planned was a trip.

If he told you he was allergic to lima beans, would you keep serving them every Sunday night for 17 years?

He isn't going to change. Deal with it. He isn't going to grow wings or take up the tuba, either.

Answer 9

when in-laws or family come over it is good to save face. Maybe you all should sit down together without a shrink and talk about it and whenever he changes aware him on the spot no matter who is there...take control....dammit you've been in there for 17 years do 17 damn more

Answer 10

You need to discern why. If you can find out why he is either afraid to tell you what he really feels, or why he is unable to say no to his family and friends, then you will be on your way to a solution.
Somewhere in this he is reacting to fear. Fear of a fight with you, fear of losing his relatives or friends, fear! So find out why. If you understand this then both of you can deal with the real problem. What you are describing is only a symptom not the problem.