my ex-husband i were married for six wonderful years. we've been divorced for three b/c i cheated on him. i had cancer and he was drinking heavily and stopped coming home. he divorced me and i moved on (after a long run with chemo). we also have a daughter together. anyway, about a month ago he asked me could we work on getting back together, but take things slow. so i drive for two hours every weekend to be with him. everything is great when we are together, too perfect actually. but when i come home and call him, he acts distant and has nothing to say, not even i love you. why?
2006-12-10 14:47:34 · 17 answers · asked by precious girl 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
His distant behavior is a defense mechanism.
Even though he wants to take it slow, some part of him gets hurt every time the weekend ends and you go home. As much as he knows that it is right for you to go home so you can both take your reconciliation slowly, it still hurts. But if he can hide the pain (mostly from himself but that means from everyone else, too) then maybe it won't hurt as much.
You also don't mention who has custody of your daughter. If she is with him, then he has to play it even MORE cool or else she may get her hopes too high too quickly.
2006-12-10 14:56:44 · answer #1 · answered by gooniekim 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, you need to be honest about your marriage. Is it really possible to say an alcoholic who refused to come home at night and an adulterer had a wonderful marriage?
Second of all, driving 2 hours every weekend to be with him is not taking things slow. I'm guessing those perfect weekends include time in bed.
Was there counseling before you were married? Was there counseling before the dissolution of your marriage? Has he stopped drinking? Have you come to terms with whatever it was that made you cheat?
It sounds like your ex-hubby is using you for sex and to prove that he still has control over you. If he wants to see you, then be a lady and let him come to you. There is certainly nothing wrong with a little good old-fashioned 'courting', even if you all were married before and have children together. You don't owe him anything other than explanation of why and an apology for cheating. Above all, don't feel as if you have to be with this man for the sake of the children or just because you were married to him before.
2006-12-10 23:04:03 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes a devastating diagnosis of an illness will lead people to do things they would not normally do...like you cheating, and him drinking and not coming home. Unfortunately when you and he needed each other the most, you both drifted far apart. He asked about getting back together but taking things slow...a month is not "taking things slow. Maybe he feels it's moving too fast and the issues that led to divorce are not being resolved. Give it time...talk with him openly and honestly. If it's not meant to work out...part as friends and move on. Your regainned health and your daughter are the most important right now
2006-12-10 22:54:17 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
he may have known he lost the best thing he ever had...whether or not you can feel the same is quite different. He was weak and turned on you when you needed him most.......you really don't think that was love do you. He didn't leave you because you had an affair, you had an affair because you needed comforting and he didn't provide that to you. He left because he couldn't deal with the cancer and the possibility of you dying. It was easier for him to walk away and know he lost you rather than see you through to whatever end was in the future. He is a weak man, better to move on without him.
2006-12-10 22:52:17 · answer #4 · answered by WitchTwo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
dont forget the reason why you cheated...is he still drinking? if you got back together..will he come home every night? remember that he in so many words turned his back on you when you were going through a very serious and traumatic time in your life...if he was drinking and not coming home he was basically abandoning you,no wonder you found comfort in anothers arms..no its not okay to cheat but sometimes there are reasons that can make others understand, i understand....you all were married once before..bring your comfort level back and just flat out ask him what is on his mind and let him know what is on yours. you cant read his thoughts and he cant read yours. you cant hold him responsible for your feelings until you let him know
2006-12-10 22:58:56 · answer #5 · answered by huneygrl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cause he still has some doubts about trust issues, yall need to talk that out, and as for the getting back together part you mentioned you had a daughter. Pleaz don't get back with him because of her thats the worst thing you can do!!! I know your prolly thinkin you owe it to her for both of you to be in her life but yall can do that seperated it still works out. Because havin yall both together and havin one or both being un happy and jus toughin it out for the sake of the kid(s) is just gonna lead to more probs I promise you that I experience that crap almost everyday and its not pretty
2006-12-10 22:59:03 · answer #6 · answered by ɷ▫▪вяøκeи;;♥ иøт đefeαтeđ▪▫ɷ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he's trying to show someone at his neck of the woods that he can get you and that he does have you. Either way...........he's using you. Stay away. You are already divorced. Dont make the mistake of going through it all over again emotionally.
2006-12-10 22:51:47 · answer #7 · answered by mcdermond3 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hard to say. Probably because when you are with him, you have his complete undivided attention. But, when you are apart, he is distracted by other things. Maybe the TV, maybe another woman. In any case, he cannot "have his cake" (be with you) and eat it too (be single). I know you are taking it slow and everything, but you deserve his attention.
2006-12-10 22:54:52 · answer #8 · answered by man_of_mustard 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He probably has doubts, as you do. If you two are serious about making this work you need to go to counseling. A professional can help you both explore your feelings about this. You owe it to yourselves and mostly to your daughter to do your very best to either fix it or get closure.
2006-12-10 22:50:17 · answer #9 · answered by cb 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
maybe he is still hurt over the cheating, and doesn't want to set himself up for more heartache, so he acts as if it is no big deal, he is afraid if he invests too much he will get hurt again. if it is great when u are together, than why not go back to him if he has asked u.
2006-12-10 22:52:49 · answer #10 · answered by jude 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋