help, silly family thing- can i have some good, intelligent/constructive advice?

Question

okay, this is complicated, but errrr my dad has been working abroad for 11 years now and sees us for about half a year or sometimes less. and my mum found him having an affair 2 years ago, so since their relationship has been rocky but he refused to leave my mum and us, although is always a pain in the head and has been ever since i can remember, my mum has more confidence now since the affair and since we all have grown up.
he gets angry all the time and sometimes overly possessive,
so my mum said something over the phone to him and he got angry and my mum said she is tired of the head ache and cant be bothererd apologising now, so my dad hasnt spoken to any of us for 5 days now, its not fair because we did nothing, especially poor children, i had a really crap year last year wen i graduated from uni, i cant b bothered now since im busy (work and have post grad study) i dont like him constantly depressing me, wen i want to concentrate my life at the mo. he hates our independence.

Carthlete, thankyou for your answer (ive given u a thumbs up), for your information i graduated in fashion business, generally, i dont take things too seriously (only my work) especially i wouldnt take yahoo answers seriously, i need to wind down sometimes so i cant b bothered sounding intelligent all the time, im more confident and secure than that.

Thanks! colin.christies and incongru! ( :

interesting and awesome! eutychusagain

Answer 1

Call him up and say theres no sense in him not talking to you as you did nothing wrong. He will be pleased you made an effort and will talk to you.

Answer 2

Soon you will be an adult and you won't have to worry about any of this.

I hope this doesn't alter the way you feel about men- I mean, actual heterosexual family men- because really, we are ALL deeply flawed. We have all got "issues" !!!! Dada doesn't sound so bad. It's just that none of you are used to having him around, and it's too late to start now.

A lot of this isn't really your problem. But be careful not to take sides , or to say or do anything that in later years- when you look back- you might regret.

Answer 3

From what I can understand, your dad resents the fact you no longer need him, something that was forced on your family because he was away for so long year after year. He is taking this rather badly, and is becoming possessive, trying to keep you from breaking away from him completely.

He has to learn to accept this, and encourage you in anything you do, to be there for you when needed. If he can't accept your growing Independence, then sorry, this is one dad you can do without. Unless you can all get together and convince him of this It's not going to get any better.

Answer 4

you may say to her that you do not ignore that your doughter isn't perfect and also you do not make her out to sound like one yet its no longer perfect to the boys to be pushing and hitting her, highly for the older one. 3 y previous might want to understand extra perfect. one 12 months previous..we he does what he sees and he sees his brother being violent so thats what he does too. Youn toddlers cant percentage nicely and could take carry of issues remote from others, they'll study in time and instructions even with the truth that and neither should be allowed to bypass on with out everybody interfering. So like in the journey that your daughter takes their blanket or a toy away only take it decrease back and tell her its different toddlers turn and he or she will be in a position to get a turn in a momen. Hitting and pushing might want to by no skill be allowed and the youngster should be suggested so in the different case it's going to easily worsen because the time is going by. tell your pal that you cant have her boys bullying your daughter ( highly the three y previous, thats unacceptable, the only 12 months previous continues to be quite youthful and needs to receive slightly slack yet as well route and dicipline so he knows what he's permitted and by no skill to do) . in the journey that they save on beating her then you only cant have them over for a at the same time as.. sorry.. you dont want o situation your daughter on beatings in order that that you'll seize up with your pal. Now are you observing those toddlers? if you're then you only opt to grant her 2 weeks word and tell her to discover yet another babysitter

Answer 5

Pink Blush,

You're right, it is just a bit complicated. I'm sorry that this has happened to all of you.

It would be interesting to hear from your father's side. Why, for example, did he decide to work abroad 11 years ago, and why did he continue to do so for so long? It would seem that there was some sort of strain in your parents' relationship from rather a long time ago. Normally, there's plenty of blame to go round in these things, but almost always they can be worked out in the early stages. The main problem it would seen to me was that, with him gone so much, there wasn't a chance to work things out. I think it was Woody Allen, whom I normally do not turn to for interpersonal advice, said "90% of a relationship is being there." If you're gone all the time, it's hard to make a relationship work.

So why did your parents do this for so long?

The second problem is, of course, the affair. How did your mother find out about it? Affairs almost always are a result of selfishness. If I think about myself, then my troubles, such as my loneliness at being away from home for too long (and, of course, that woman I married doesn't really care about me since she's done nothing about my being away, too. And besides, I'm away so much, how's she going to find out?), then my troubles grow without becoming any worse, and it becomes easy to justify my wrong, my unfaithfulness, to myself. Who knows--in some twisted way, did he think that she deserved it? The brain is a funny and complicated place to live.

Now, why, when the affair was discovered, did the two of them refuse to break themarriage? Did they stay together because of the kids? Did they want to give it a second chance? Did they just not care very much about it? Was your mother relieved (after the shock and anger of the discovery)? You say that she had "more confidence." That's an interesting result. I would like to hear your mother describe that. Usually, wives are terribly hurt and would like to be able to be violent to the man who betrayed them. Or did your mother know what it is like to have an affair, too? I don't know. Your desription of her response is quite interesting, because it is so unusual.

"Sometimes overly possessive" isn't very specific a description. Often children will think a quite reasonable parent is too possessive or protective or controlling simply because they get in the way of their (the children's) doing what they want. An example here would have been good.

However, let's say that he in fact is as you describe. That would indicate something deeper in him, some problems that he should resolve. An insecurity? A fantasy world to live in in which everything is easy to live in and with? That's really very human. Most of us do that at some time or other. He just may be doing that too much for his own good...or for yours.

He hasn't been checked for clinical depression, has he? he might benefit from the proper antidepressant.

Have you suggested this to him? How about a family conference, in which all the kids get together to ask him to see a doctor for depression? Anger is one of the symptoms of some depressions.

If he will not do this, then he will have to take the consequences of his actions, which have been to alienate his family. You might have to let him. If he's going to leave, you might just have to let him leave. I'm sorry that it may come to that, but sometimes others will leave us no choice. You have your life to lead, too, and you can't spend it worrying about someone who will not take steps for himself. We all have to do what we need to to be a part of the family. If he won't, then let him leave the family. Talk to him and be good to him, but do not take responsibility for what he does.

Good luck on your studies.

Answer 6

Can't really understand what it is that you are asking. Are you looking for justification for actions which only you can take or are you wanting someone to say what a dog your father is. I think that you are old enough to decide whether or not you want to be estranged but it sounds like you already are. In my experience there is two sides to every story and maybe there are extenuating circumstances regarding your parents' relationship which you are not privy to but understand this, that in his eyes you will always be a child, no matter how old you are. To that end, he will not be looking at you as someone who has a say in what he decides he wants to do, but it seems that you have taken sides and have decided that he is the one in the wrong.

Answer 7

You graduated from uni? Your question is hard to understand from the lack of grammer, I would have guessed it was written by a 12 year old. If you really are as old as you claim then you know that there is nothing you can do. The problem is with your parents and it is for them to solve by themselves, dont worry yourself with things you cant control.

Answer 8

my dad also works away and i c him probably once every 2 years when he comes home for a few days(u aint my secret sister are you lol)n my parents are still married he calls home weekly and i love him to death we get on really well,yes he gets grumpy but he aint in our face so we just ignore him when hes going off on one and agree with wot he says..its no doubt hard for your mum and her escape is the new found confidence and your dad probably resents your mum for the fact that she seems to b coping without him and probably doesnt miss him as much..my dad has been abroad for nearly 15 years(im now 30)and to have him back home would b hard as we have established a routine..let the dust lie and myb in time your dad will call,but u could make the 1st move and call 1st best of luck xx

Answer 9

i know its hard because hes your father, but anyone can be a father. it takes a real man to be a daddy. if talking to him and telling him how you feel wont help, maybe its just time to let him go. cut him loose. if he does more harm than good, then they are not worth the headache

Answer 10

He's a big boy now and if he wants to do a sulk - let him and just ignor him - like the naughty little boy he is. Just get on with your life. Don't let him pull you down.