Am I stupid to believe this?

Question

I thought I was being understanding, but a lot of people on here have said I'm crazy to think this...

My bf and I have been dating for 3.5 months. He told me he loves me, and I love him. I'm his 2nd serious gf (he's 23 and he dated his ex for 3 years). He moved away from her (she's in MN where he's from) and dumped her in August, when he started law school in VA with me. It's been great; we see each other everyday because we have the same classes, AND we never run out of things to talk about.

Recently, his ex told him she's dating someone. He was surprised that he felt jealous as a result. To me, this seems natural. I was jealous when my first love started dating again. He doesn't know how to deal with these feelings and is worried they might be more than jealousy. He's going home for Xmas, and he said he needs to see her to make sure he's over her. I'm worried, but he told me not to be bc he loves me and it's unlikely he still feels strongly for her. Am I stupid?

He also told me that there was a reason he dumped her...a lot of things were wrong with their relationship. He said it's easy to forget those things when you're far away, but he feels like he'll remember them when he sees her.

ALSO, I'm going to see my ex over break (we're still friends), I don't see how I could possibly tell my bf not to see his ex.

Answer 1

I think it's a bit odd to go back and "see if he's over her". But 3 years is a long time and that leaves a strong imprint. I'm sure after so long everything in your life would be connected to the other person in some way. Him wanting to see her again seems natural.

But you know what kind of person he is. And I'm fairly sure if both of them are in a committed relationship, there shouldn't be an issue. She isn't initiating this contact, and he's just getting flustered because of his jealousy.

If you want a healthy relationship though, you have to give him some space and make sure of what he wants and his future with you. You wouldn't want to make him resent you for stopping this or getting angry with him.

Trust him, and know that there should be nothing to worry about...both of them moved on to different people...but it's something he needs to work through.

Answer 2

you're not stupid, but he sounds like he's confused. maybe he just needs closure. being with someone for 3 yrs is a long time and it's natural to feel jealous. he probably feels like he's bee replaced and doesn't realize it. you can't stop him from communicating with her. at least he was honest with you when it's happening now, only 3 months into it while it's still new, instead of years later when you've been together like 5 years or so. then i'd be pissed. right now he's gonna do what he feels he needs to do. he needs to do this without you. the fact that you're seeing your ex , even if you're friends, and don't want to tell him, isn't good for the relationship. tell him, but don't do it like you're throwing it in his face, that's not mature and can make you look insecure and vindictive. relax. you need to be calm and talk to him about it. you'll never know were you stand if you don't. do let you emotions run your mouth because you'll just sound insecure instead of concerned. be calm and not accusing. keep in contact with him while he's away but don't stalk him. he'll be back and when he does he'll be coming back to you. much luck.

Answer 3

i went through the same thing only in your boyfriends position. its natural to feel jealousy when your ex finds someone else... this person was obviously a big part of your boyfriends life for a long time so his feelings are to be expected. what you need to be aware of is why he "needs" to see her. is he going to get her back, or to try to break up the relationship? he does have strong feelings for her but he needs to figure out if the feelings he has for you are stronger. i say let him go... if he goes and comes back and realizes there was nothing there your relationship will only benefit from it. if he goes and realizes he's been madly in love with her this entire time then at least you found out now before the relationship went any further.

Answer 4

Well, you've only been dating 100 days, so I think you're both expecting too much from such a new relationship. Saying you love each other while he's having feelings for someone else that he can't deal with but has the desire to verify his feelings for that someone else doesn't sound like love to me.
Personally, if my boyfriend said he was going to visit his former lover over the holidays to see how he really feels about her, I'd end it. That he WANTS to see her is all I'd need to know.

Answer 5

It sounds like he's a good guy and you're a great girl but it may not be good timing. He seems to be very honest which is hard to find these days.

To be honest, this doesn't sound like a forever thing, let him go and see what happens. You've only got 3 months invested, no biggie.

Hope everything works out for you!!

Answer 6

the real question is , Do you trust him?

if he says he loves you, and you love him, trust that he will do the right thing.

Not stupid, just cautious. As you should always be.

I felt the same way also, but my ex started dating someone that he claimed he hated. The girl also told me that he was a piece o sh it , then she dated him?
I was mad for a while, but figured it was better and I had moved on anyway.

So again think happy thoughts, and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Answer 7

He's going home forX-mas and has not asked you to come with him? And on his trip he's seeing his X.. Sounds like this guy doesn't know what he wants. He's got a good GF in you.. hopefully he resolve his old X issue quickly and wake up to his senses. You should both discuss about this, if you feel concern about his ex? Ask him and listen to what he says.. And ask yourself, do I trust this guy? Trust your own instinct and if it doesn't feel right it's probably so... don't let a guy/woman sweet talk/or guilt trip you. Best of Luck.. hopefully this guy wakes up and smell the roses.

Answer 8

No. He has you waiting to see who he has more feelings for.

Does he think he is the Bachelor or something.

You guys need to talk and be honest how you feel about his visit. Go from there.

Answer 9

Not stupid, but might want to be cautious. You might want to ask him to not see her alone, but maybe in a group situation. Better yet, you might want to "tag along". If he says no, you might have something to worry about.

Answer 10

If your boyfriend was truly "the guy" in your life and you "the woman" in his neither of you would consider hooking up with your ex's...they should not matter.