How to deal with my grief after 24 years?

Question

Hi,

My Dad died when I was 9 years old. I was told I had to be brave and strong for my mum and siblings as I was the oldest. So I basically bottled how I felt about his death. I never attended the funeral as my Mum thought it woud be too much for us. Now I'm nearly 33 and I've decided to try and get some closure as its affecting my life and relationships. I don't know how to start the grieving process as its been so long and I've buried it so deep. I have really bad bouts of anger and rage when a relationship ends and it triggers flashbacks of my Dad's death. On top of the anger and rage, I suffer sadness and frustration which only increases my anger. Can someone give me any help in starting the grieving process as I really want to put it behind me and not have it always causing the problems it has in relationships. Thanks for reading.

Answer 1

alright well everyone is tellin u to go see a shrink so i dont hav to say that.

iv always hidden how iv felt about everything, my mom dying, getting molested a lot of things and i never got over them. i felt so much pressure from all these things that i was hiding that i started mutilating myself to feel better. now iv been to the mental hospital and i still havnt really talked to anyone. even if u dont talk to a shrink just tellin sum1 u trust how u feel can help ur mind start to accept wat happened. i deny myself wat has happened cuz its easier to say, no thats just a dream, than to say, well yes, that happened and yes it screwed me up.

to help myself i write a lot, poems songs stories and just writing about wat happened helps me. im not gunna recommend hurting urself but that has helped me too, just know that thats a really bad idea. in addition to writing a lot i do a lot of yoga and excerise just to take out frustration and to calm myself. i talk a lot to my best friend cuz i know that she will listen even if she doesnt care and if i cant talk to her then i sit down in front of the mirror and just tell myself yes, this happened and no its not ur fault. a lot of the grief process (at least for me) is to blame urself, i hav been blaming myself for everything in my life and its important to realize its not ur fault. and its no ones fault, it just happened and u cant change it now. he knows u love him, and if ur a religious kind of person then u could say that hes watching over u.

but mostly just take it slowly and make sure to admit to urself that it happened and its not ur fault. find a productiove way to take out all ur feelings and find sumthin calming to help u keep ur cool.

<3

Answer 2

Hey, I think in asking this question, you have already embarked on the journey of grieving for your father.I think it's very difficult, as for me, I feel the same about my mother, who died when I was 19, I was the one who nursed her at home, more than my father or sisters, and I don't say that to gain sympathy, but, that was never recognised, and I feel its even forgotten that me, being the youngest, with 2 much older sisters, was the one who saw our mother deterioate and because of the cancer that had travelled to her brain, she was doing crazy things...they didn't witness as much of that.I only found out a few years ago that the reason she was doing crazy things was that the cancer had spread and the tumour caused pressure on her brain.For years, I had thought it was the side effects of the medications she was on.I was also a young single mother, and my mother stood by.I never had a good relationship with my dad, and they didn't have a good relationship with each other either, alot of arguing happened, right through from when i was very young, until I had my daughter, so, alot happened, and I just kept biting my lip, and now, at 38, I am seeing a counsellor, and spend most of my time, in her room, breaking my heart, as I have let the floodgates open, and you know, even though I still have a long way to go, it feels better inside, like it doesn't eat away at me as much.I just want to remember my mum, as she was, and not my mum when she was ill, not the cancer and what it did to her.
Yes, I think by the time you have read all these answers, you will begin the process.Please go to a counsellor, either through your doctor,or look online for organisations that can help.Perhaps even go and get a book to read yourself.It's a part of our lives, that nowadays would be carefully monitored, ie, because you have feelings about this and society now being more aware of mental health, you just wouldn't say to a nine year old, you are the oldest so be brave, we all know more about feelings, thank god, in this day and age.
Hope this helps, and if you would like to IM me, please feel free to do so.
Andie

Answer 3

I understand your grief. Although I didn't experience a physical death of a parents, I did lose both of my biological parents and my self-identity though a closed adoption. Although they aren't physically dead, I continue to deal with grief. I grief over a loss of what I could have had. I never even got to know any of my biological/blood relatives. I learned I have a half brother 2 years older than me only recently from the adoption agency. I grieve for not knowing who he is. They won't even give me his name. Our grief may be different, but I understand how hard it can be. I was only 6 weeks old when all this happened, but I felt that abandonment in my heart from a small child. It carries on in me today. Relationships are hard, because I'm scared I'll get hurt. It's hard for me to trust anyone. When I finally do and they disappoint me, it is extremely hard. I started searching for my biological relative about 2 years ago, and I started realizing that that is where most of my problems rooted from (the adoption and loss). Ever since then, I've been really sensative when someone leaves. I had a roommate move back home to another state, and I cried at 24 years old. I only knew her for 3 months or less, but we really bonded. Is that crazy??? I know that if we deal with the issue we will be able to begin the healing process. One way you've done that is by realizing you have those issues. Good for you!!! I also would like closure in my life. I wish you the very best. If you ever want to talk, e-mail me anytime.

Answer 4

Think of what your dad would think. He would probably want you to move on....his death was in the past, and there is so much left in the future. Dont linger to much over the death, look for things to brighten your life. Support your mom, and never forget your dad. He would not want you being sad everyday, and be angry. Dont worry, even though uv had death in your past, you only have life in your future...and death is a natural process of life. Basically your father would want you to move on and be happy, so do it for your fathers sake....maybe your cheering up will cheer up the whole family. Save some tears and help your mom, your dad will be proud. Remeber the pst is done, but the future can still be changed, so dont waste your future....go out and do somthing crazy meet your soul mate....and have fun...dont mope over the past....but dont forget it either.
Good luck friend, dont be sad

Answer 5

Im 21 years old and my grandmother died when I was 11.
It was hard for me when she died because I was so close. She wasnt the ordinary grandma. She was also so young only 53 when she died.

My mom sent me to a grieve camp for kids.
I dont remember alot of what was said then at that camp.
I do remember talking alot to counselors and that help alot.

I think thats what you should do and it may be the best advice.
Good Luck and I hope evrything works out for you.

Answer 6

I think it's important that you do get to grief your father. But first you need to get to know him. I would send letters to all his remaining family asking them to tell you about your father.. stories.. then compile all the letters and stories together and then sit down and write your father a letter about all that you have gone Thur and the man you have become. This will help you feel a bond. And then you can begin to mourn. Good luck.

Answer 7

u know my dad past away when i was 2 years old and like u i did not atend his funeral,my family told all sorts of stories and to this day i really dont know how he paste away but my advice would be to talk with pepole that knew him well and yes like most pepol would say to go see a therapist but whatever you do try not to bottrl everything up talk to pepole.

Answer 8

Maybe go to a support group for people who have lost love ones. I think they have ones like they do for AA meetings but for people who are grieving. I would contact AA and ask them if they know of any.

Answer 9

it would probably be in your best interest to seek professional help. possibly try a therapist or something of that nature. they know what they are doing for the most part.. unlike a lot of people on yahoo answers.


good luck.

Answer 10

first of all, it is so wonderful to me that somebody is so on the factor of one of their elderly kinfolk to be this affected by their passing. some human beings purely see it as a certainty of existence that folk will die, and flow on with their own lives. You of course are not one in all those human beings - it rather isn't any ask your self to me which you ended up working at a nursing homestead. I remember the sensation whilst my grandmother died (nicely, she wasn't technically my grandmother, yet she in certainty raised me and my sister.) She became 87 and had maximum cancers, yet had slowly been getting worse in view that her toddlers positioned her in assisted residing. i became getting worse, too. I nonetheless have desires the place i'm in her homestead and issues are like they have been whilst i became little, yet then I awaken and comprehend the merciless certainty that those days are long previous. I had long previous via dropping 3 of my 4 grandparents (my dad's dad died long till now i became born) yet this became plenty worse than that. the toughest element I had to handle became human beings telling me approximately how previous she became and that she mandatory to flow on. It became so complicated because of the fact it became 3 weeks once I went away to college as quickly as I found out she in basic terms had a month or with the point to stay. In that previous week i might became 18 and the girl who i assumed may be my first lady chum dumped me. i mandatory her extra effective than ever! inspite of the undeniable fact that it became in basic terms then that i found out she became in plenty soreness and purely mandatory to flow. And on the comparable time, I had to easily recognize that there became something extra useful up there, as complicated because it became for me to do. it rather is been somewhat over a year now and that i'm now 19. And have self assurance me, time heals all wounds. I met some people who ended up transforming into great buddies some months later, which gave me something to anticipate, so i would not consistently ought to be looking back at my existence. you're in basic terms 24 - you have so plenty extra of your existence previous to you. the final thank you to handle that's to locate convenience with the human beings you nonetheless have on your existence, jointly as nonetheless making particular to remember your great grandmother.