I became stepdad to two great boys when ythey were 5 and 7. NOW they are 13and 15 and can do nothing but make fun of me and deliberatly disrespect me verbally and by laughing or making little comments. Their mother has done all she can. We understand since she is their natural parent that discipkine should be from her. She's constantly in the middle trying to smooth it all out and discipline them, as well we havea 4 and five year old daughters together. We don't want to make the boys feel unloved but all we can do lately is tell them how disrespectful they are being. We are patient & make it extremely clear at the exact moment it is happening what is unacceptable--we get an "OKAY" with a forced apology. It still continues....it's affecting the peace in the home. All I feel like doing is giving a good butt whoopin! We also understand how there might be resentment now that they getting older about step dad not being the biological dad but wishing theire real dad was there.
2006-11-13 06:04:54 · 13 answers · asked by JODY b 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
real dad has been gone since before I was there.
They didn't used to be like that, just last year 2 years or so
And I do repremand, have all along- but as far as spanling or restriction or privelages taken away- we consult with each other agree on a punishment then she tells them what we decided.
They don't hate me, they call me dad to their freinds but not to face. We don't use STEP either. I am their father.
2006-11-13 08:20:30 · update #1
Oh, and they've never been in any trouble, great grades-one is gifted and the other in honors classes- good kids, just something about ME lately. And my wife is just being pulled apart by this. She gets respect still she refers to me as "your father" to them.
2006-11-13 08:27:24 · update #2
Sounds like you all need to have some fun, to get respect you have to earn it and that works both ways, when was the last time you and the boys or just the 4 of you went out together and done something cool (just once a month go out without the smaller siblings) the boys want to show they are growing in to men and they will try to work their way up the ranking show them who's boss by spending time with them. they sound like great boys but it looks like that they want your attention and the only way they're getting it at the moment is by being negative. swing it around and enjoy.
2006-11-14 07:23:50 · answer #1 · answered by tiggerira 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Read Manny's response a couple of times and then add this to it....
Though your kids do not respect you, they must still act civilly toward you. In the army we had an old saying, "respect the rank even if you can't respect the person."
You are the adult, they are the kids. Even if they cannot respect you, they must accept and respect that fact that you are the adult and they must treat adults with respect. If they are behaving this way towards you, then their teachers must really love them!!
The 15 yr old is learning to become a man, and this is one of those lessons that YOU the adult who is being disrespected needs to deal with. The next time it happens you need to EXPLODE! Come at them with clenched fists screaming at the top of your lungs about how they need to respect you as an adult. Might be a good idea to give the older boy a good slap across the face, just to drive the point home. Yell at them until they are cowering in a corner. Your wife should conveniently leave the room. If they fight back, by all means take them down!
We are living in an age when people who disrespect other people are shot and killed every day. You have spent the last 8 years teaching your sons that its OK to disrespect authority figures. At this stage it is going to end in a huge family fight and things will never be the same again (we hope). If you choose not to do anything.... it may end watching one of these kids go to jail, or being buried.
Lastly and most importantly, you and your wife need to seek counseling. This type of behavior was not invented by your children, it was something that either they imitated, or were encouraged to do. Yes it has gotten out of hand now, but this is the end result and a marriage or family councilor is definitely needed.
2006-11-13 07:24:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Blended families are difficult. I think contrary to popular belief that you should be involved in some discipline. If you were all this time, the boys would probably not be directing their disrespect toward you in this manner. However, it may be too late for you to assert yourself as a co-parent. Children are children, and our society has mistakenly gone the wrong way in allowing only bio-parents to deal with kids. These two are definitely at the age where the two of you and their real dad can sit down and lay down the law. You are the man of that house and you will be respected. It seems you've been pretty good to them, and they can choose whether that continues or not. The worse they behave, the worse life will get for them. They should understand that. Make sure you have concrete repercussions for their actions.
2006-11-13 06:15:12 · answer #3 · answered by 10timesalady 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"We understand since she is their natural parent that discipkine should be from her"
There's where you went wrong. You now have no respect from the boys, and zero authority.
"..all we can do lately is tell them how disrespectful they are being. We are patient & make it extremely clear at the exact moment it is happening what is unacceptable--we get an "OKAY" with a forced apology. It still continues...."
Read that over and over again until it becomes clear how monumentally flawed your technique is.
Short of sending them to the father to live, or a military school, there is nothing yall can do. You've lost control because you never really had much to begin with, and you will have zero luck in turning the boys around on your own.
2006-11-13 06:40:25 · answer #4 · answered by Manny 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Wow...flashbacks.
My mother married my Stepdad when I was about 6. For years its fair to say I pretty much disliked the old bugger, sometimes bordering on hate. However the stepdad issue never raised its head (mind you I didnt meet my biological father till I was 18).
I dont know if your boys still have a relationship with Bio-Dad (sounds like a detergent) but despite that you have answered your own question...they are 13 and 15. They are raging sacks of hormones (and I'm guessing their favorite part of the house is the fridge). They are angry, sullen, disrespectful, thoughtless, ignorant, arrogant and devoid of emotion towards you. The medical term is 'Teenagers'
My Dad (stepdad) wasnt shy giving us a wallop (one older sister, two younger half-brothers), but for some reason I still got up to as much mischef as I could.
At least you get an apology which Im sure is harder for the boys to come up with than you think.
Personally now, my Stepdad is my dad and my step-brothers are my brothers. The only time we use the word 'Step' around the house is when we are looking for a ladder.
If they REALLY overstep the line then a smack wouldnt hurt but maybe I am 25 years behind the times (Im nearly 40).
Maybe the transfer of power needs to come from your wife to you, if you are somehow prevented from handing our discipline at home becuase they arent your biological sons then you may want to address that in creative ways (what do the boys REALLY want, find a way for them to earn it and step into the way if they upset you...take some of the power off your wife).
Good luck man, you seem like a decent enough parent to care enough to ask.
2006-11-13 06:22:35 · answer #5 · answered by Morgan W 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Read the book "Changing your Child's Heart." (Can't remember the author now--it's on loan to a friend.) The author is a psychologist who has had incredible results with troubled teens. The unusual (and highly effective) thing about this book is that it tells you what to do when a child a REALLY rebelling. His answer? Physical labor.
It sounds weird, but kids who are being disrepectful and rebellious usually have a huge amount of adrenalline pouring through their system. (Kind of like you do when you want to wallop them, LOL.) Forced physical labor will release the adrenaline and establish you as the one in charge. An example:
"Alright, if you are going to talk to me that way, you obviously need to blow off some steam. You can wash down the walls with this sponge."
"I'm not washing the walls!"
"Yes you are."
"I'm not!"
"Yes, you are." You then take their hand and physically make them do it, until they start doing it on their own. And they will. If they stop before they're supposed to, you take their hand and force them to do it again.
I know it sounds wacky, but it really works! (The army has been doing it for years, LOL.) And it sure beats hitting.
2006-11-13 11:58:55 · answer #6 · answered by amicietta 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like they are typical teens its just a phase all teenagers go through. Family counseling will help..Just remember its not you against them. You are a family and its a team effort to try and work this out. It will get better when the hormones calm down and maturity settles in. Hang in there and have patience.
2006-11-13 06:22:48 · answer #7 · answered by mary3127 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just because she is their mother does not mean they dont have to listen to you she married you which means you married them to my boyfriend and i were just having the same conversation i am the mother and he is the father which means we are both the boss if he tells my children to do something that means they have to listen and vise versa if they dont learn to respect you now they never will and they will show your younger daughters that the behavoir is ok they will start acting out as well put your foot down and dont lose your cool
2006-11-13 06:13:46 · answer #8 · answered by sarah c 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Other than making it clear that it's not acceptable, what kind of punishment are you doing? One of my favorites is removing things that they aren't required by law (saw this on Dr. Phil, used it on a cousin's child I took in for a short time and it works).
For instance, next time one of them is disrespectful, you say "That is not acceptable. You are not allowed to talk to me that way. You have lost your (Playstation, iPod, cell phone, other object of great fondness or want)."
Do not set a time limit. Inform him he has to earn said object back by being respectful.
When he whines to Mom, she says "I agree with Dad." Nothing else. She should say nothing else or it sound like she is mouthing her support for you and secretly siding with her son.
When he starts yelling, take something else away. Repeat until he either decides to calm down or has lost everything. When I say everything, I mean everything, right down to furniture in the bed room. When he's left with a matteress, sheets and clothes, then stop taking things away.
As he acts respectfully over the next few days, tell him what he is doing right (as in "I appreciate your answering me in a nice tone of voice") and allow him to have the items back. As he learns what behaviors earn him his stuff, he gets in the habit of using those behaviors. If at anytime, he repeats the disrespectful behavior, take things away again.
It's a little extreme but so are teenagers. This does work.
2006-11-13 08:33:19 · answer #9 · answered by seeme1995 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Here is a lesson from a daddy..my dad..not me
You will either respect me out of respect or out of fear...
Fear always seems to work best!! lol
Is their dad in the picture? If not then you are their daddy
2006-11-13 09:57:29 · answer #10 · answered by lisamarie_625 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋