I have been engaged for 3 months never been married before. My fiance has been married before and went thur a bitter divorce. To be short his ex-wife took him to the cleaners(he gave her everything the house,bank accounts,stocks...and she gave him lawyer fees and huge child support payments that he has to pay) and now is left with 28k in debt. He has been hinting around about me paying of his debt ever since we got engaged.Finely last week he came right out and asked me and said if i would not "help him out"he would have to question my love for him .I told him the money that i have in stocks(about 50k) i really want to keep in there and grow for retirement and emergencies. He said ok but will make diggs about" my money" so i know hes really not ok with it. I have worked all my life and did not come from a rich family so this money was not given to me. Please tell me what think of this situation because i'm beginning to feel like a selfish *****.
2006-10-22 02:56:51 · 31 answers · asked by karenbshy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Selfish-no way. But I would sure question his love for you. It sounds like this debt wieghs heavily on his mind, but to ask you to help even before youre married raises a red flag. If you paid all or part of his debt right now, what would keep him from walking out on you, leaving you with that much less and you would have to sue him in court to recover and he could say it was a pre-marital gift which would be almost impossibe to recover from him. Dangerous situation here. I dont mean to be mean here but I see this very situation all the time, where a person uses another in the name of love to pay off bills and then for some strange reason falls out of love with that person and says it was a gift. Not good but happens way too much, watch the TV courts. It really sounds like hes trying to take advantage of the situation for his own gain. His debts arent going to disappear overnight so why couldnt he wait til after the wedding or at least approached it in a different way that would be more comfortable to you. If I were you Id start really thinking about this and what could happen here. I maybe wrong but I have a really strong feeling about this and it isnt good. Please just think about this and really question his committment to you before you help him and please let me know so if I am wrong I can apologize deeply to you. Good luck
2006-10-22 03:50:00 · answer #1 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Engaged for 3 months, but how long of a relationship? I have to wonder whether he knew about your savings (which it should remain) before or after the engagement. If you are truly in love, then I would figure out where the 28K in debt came from? Was it really from lawyer fees and items directly related to the divorce? Or, are they old credit card bills? Chances are, the debt was incurred together which says a lot about his previous lifestyle. A spender and a saver will always be at odds. You are not selfish you are realistic. In my opinion, the two of you need to put aside the debt issue and see how the two of you view money. I hope they are compatible
2006-10-22 03:14:33 · answer #2 · answered by Quant 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You ARE NOT selfish. You worked hard for what you have. Could it be HE'S USING YOU???? You ARE NOT married to this man. If he brings up the money issue again, give him his ring back and tell him to get lost. I would put money on fact that you told him about your savings before he asked you to marry him. He has no intention of marrying you. He just wants you to pay off his debt. So...the next time he mentions it...leave him for good. If you don't, he will clean you out and you will have nothing. It's HIS problem, not yours. Obviously you don't NEED his selfish-a*ss, but he surely needs you! OH..and the story about the wife taking him to the cleaners, that's his side. Find out what really happened. Maybe you should give her a call. I don't think this debt will be yours if you go through with this marriage because it occurred before you married. Tell him to get a second job and then you'll marry him. .PLEASE GET OUT NOW.....godloveya.
2006-10-22 03:02:54 · answer #3 · answered by Sassy OLD Broad 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are not being selfish. It is your money, and you are not obligated to pay his debt. No respectable man would ask you to do that. Since he is asking, you might have cause to question if it is you he loves or your money. He is the one who made the choices that got him in the debt that he is in. Granted, he may not have had much choice in that matter, but it is not your responsibility. You did not make him marry this woman that "took him to the cleaners", he did that all on his own. The debt is his and he needs to pay it.
Your money is yours and you get to keep it. That is not selfish. You stated that you want to save it for emergencies and retirement. Those are good things to save money for. I suggest you think long and hard before you marry this man. He may not be worth it. If you are married, all your money becomes community property.
2006-10-22 03:56:33 · answer #4 · answered by Gypsy Girl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to ditch him. He is a predator and you are the prey. He will 'take you to the cleaners the way he says his wife took him there.
If you decide to allow this engagement to continue an attorney and a prenup would be the wisest decision you could possibly make. If he balks then the wedding should be a no-go. Men (and some women) often use the "if you really loved me" ploy (and that is exactly what it is!) to position themselves in a place of power and to get what they want. With no feelings of guilt about the consequences.
If you allow this to continue, he will use up your funds, drain you dry financially and emotionally. When he is done, he will move on to his next victim. You will then become the 'shrewish' ex who supposedly took him to the cleaners - he will tell the next victim the same things he is now telling you about his current ex.
2006-10-22 03:46:10 · answer #5 · answered by greyrider 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is the selfish one. Repeat that one thousand times.
Then repeat it again. If you marry this man, and I hope you don't, then know that you will never have a peaceful night.
Get a bit of reality into your relationship.
Did you know:
That if his circumstances have changed and he cannot afford his child support the court will order a reduction? So why hasn't he filed? Are you sure beyond sure, that the house, stocks, etc that he claimed were his, were really his, and not his ex wife's or his ex wife's families. Or are you only listening to him? Men like the one you have are a dime a dozen, only in his case its $28,000 for one. And that old 'if you loved me you'd give me your money"...well that just reeks confidence man. Look at it this way if he breaks off your engagement because you didn't give him the money, you have your money and your self respect. If you give him the money, and he takes off, you don't have your money or your self respect. If you break the engagement, you have your money, your self respect, and the opportunity to meet someone else who will respect your decision to look out for yourself.
2006-10-22 03:09:40 · answer #6 · answered by justa 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him you will be glad to pay off his debts when he puts the money in your hand. why should you pay off his debts, you didn't create them. Better yet, why don't you bail out while you can. You've earned what you have, why give it away. You have every right to feel like a sellfish *****. I wouldn't want to go into a marriage knowing he's in that much debt. If you marry him and he falls short of paying his child support, who do you think will get the short end of the stick. Your taxes will also be affected.
2006-10-22 03:03:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey his affairs from a previous marriage should be his own responsibly. I'm shocked he would even ask you to help him. First of all you two are not even married yet. Tell him you adore him and truly love him but that you did not create his mess with his ex wife an he needs to man-up and handle his own. Keep your money for your self you never know if you might need it!!!! If your money makes him question ur love for him then maybe you should question his motives????Watch out baby girl this man sounds like he may be a user..Good luck!
2006-10-22 04:14:03 · answer #8 · answered by Kim 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no, you are not selfish. Tell him you want to help him pay off the debt and offer to go to a financial counselor with him. Tell him that you will help in any way except touching your retirement money. Once you are married, the debt becomes part of the marriage, so you would want to help elimanate that problem as soon as possible so it does not cause further arguements down the road.
2006-10-22 03:02:41 · answer #9 · answered by wolfie_amour 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you are only responsible for your own bills,you need to set some boundaries with this man,set limits on what you will and won't do,protect yourself first. taking responsibility for his past mistakes or giving into his demands will destroy love.he is very manipulative, and this is something that should not fall upon your shoulders.don't volunteer you money on a silver platter to this controller.you have choices here, and he is just a fiance not a husband, i wouldn't say this was a supportive relationship and this is just the tip of the iceburg on what you can expect from him, and often times when they get all they can get off you and the money is gone they also will move on to someone else they can use again. don't lend him the money.
2006-10-22 12:40:03 · answer #10 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋