My husband lost his mother about 10 months ago and he has serious guilt issues since she passed suddenly and unexpectedly. He even feels it is his fault in some ways, which it is not ( she had a serious disiease that took her quickly) . He has suddenly become very angry and asked for a separation. He says he doesn't know what he wants for work, a family, wife etc.
He is being very emotionally abusive to me and family and friends are telling me to kick himout but I know he is not actinglike himself and I don't want to put further stress on him during this emotional time.
He can't tell me even that he wants to work things out. He asked for 30 days. Do you think I am doing the right thing by waiting and not asking any questions or should I be telling him to get out until he decides. We have 2 small children that he avoids because he says it's too hard to see them.
I feel a spouses role is to stand by their spouse in good and bad and BE THERE for them when tough times hit.
2006-09-27 06:57:09 · 27 answers · asked by Sandra C 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He wants to still live in the home with us while he "decides" and will not get couselling. It's hard to have him here acting like part of the family but he tells me to start dating someone else or something. I don't want to or anything he just seems to be pushing me away but won't leave us.
2006-09-27 07:05:12 · update #1
Baby, you can't put him out... you could always ask him to leave, but that is NOT going to help your relationship at all!
I would give him the time... give him the space he's asking for and there is a reason for that. Right now, he can't see you and the children for everything that you, as a family, should mean to him. It's like when you hold a picture an inch from your face; you can't see it fully. It's when you pull the picture back that you can really see everything.
I think you should step back along with the kids -give him what he wants -and let him see you all from that distance. He'll come to see and realize what he'd be missing out on.
2006-09-27 07:08:47 · answer #1 · answered by E. Gads 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's the toughest thing I've read in this community thus far. I think you both need to seek out professional help or at least some kind of support network for coping with losses like this. I think you're doing the right thing to give him space but I also think he is somehow using this event and the fallout as a crowbar into issues he may have been having with your marriage before all of this happened. I know this isn't what you want to hear but men are very bad communicators and tend to look for crazy excuses to open discussions that they've been harboring for some time. I think his guilt about his mother is genuine. But leaving you or separating from the marriage as a result is unusual if not a bit of a stretch. A loss of a parent can have long term deleterious impact on a marriage but triggering a separation that quickly is bizarre.
2006-09-27 07:09:52 · answer #2 · answered by Luis LU 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Those are some serious issues you have to deal with. You may want to think about starting counseling and going alone during that first month he wants time to think and see what the counselor thinks about it and how you should handle it. If after he gets his time he's still having problems, he needs to go, but do not let him be abusive (either verbally or emotionally) to you. If you don't want to leave him, just walk away from him when he's like that.
Guilt is one of the phases of grieving and it doesn't hit people right away sometimes. Hopefully, he'll learn acceptance soon and get to 'normal' with you.
I wish you both luck.
2006-09-27 07:03:15 · answer #3 · answered by Avid 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not married but I think you should wait for his decision and react to it on what will happen to you and your children. Go to family counseling or family doctor and talk over it with him. It's not an easy task and decision that he is about to decide. Even yet, ask counseling to a priest if it's possible as well as catholic in faith.
For your part, just look after him and take care of him. He might have some arguement with his mother in the past before you guys were married. Better yet, ask help from your in-laws from his side or his best friend and best of all... Pray!
2006-09-27 07:13:05 · answer #4 · answered by dickyboy98 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe you are on the right track. Give him that time but no more than 30 days because the longer you are away the more trauma you can do to the relationship and to the children. It is a difficult situation that you are in but yes I believe that you should stick with your spouse through thick and thin but he also has to remember that he has a family that he needs to take care of. Just remember not to become a leftover to him and stand your ground.
2006-09-27 07:24:19 · answer #5 · answered by lala_chic2003 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My heart goes out to you and your Family. Your Husband is very fortunate to have someone such as yourself to support him. However, as you know a marriage takes both parties to corporate. Meaning that you're doing your part but it doesn't sound like he's doing his. Try to make him realize although he doesn't have his Mother with him anymore, he has you and his children that need him and not to focus on the past and guilt feelings because you can't change them but you can change the Future by living for today and the people that surround him know. Do what you feel is best for you and your Family. If you decide to wait, listen to what he has to say and make your thoughts known to him and suggest some kind of counseling for him as well. I hope everything works out and I wish you and your Family the best!!!
2006-09-27 07:11:58 · answer #6 · answered by Yahoo Anwers 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can imagine that losing a parent is one of the worst pain a person can feel. This is an emotion is not familiar with so he probably doesnt know how to deal right now. As his wife you need to help him the best you can, NOT cater to him. Help him heal, ask questions if you have to, perhaps he needs to see a doctor.
True, he is going through rough times- he still needs to respect those around him, especially his wife and kids. I dont think kicking him out will work, just try your best and if that doesnt work then he needs to either snap outta of it or lose his family.
2006-09-27 07:05:22 · answer #7 · answered by Melia 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is something he has to do on his own. You are right that you need to stand by him. You also need to respect his decision and give him the 30 days. Be there for him whenever he calls or needs you. After the 30 days, suggest counseling for either just him or the two or you as a couple. It may have to start with him and work into couples counsling. Be supportice and give what he is asking for.
2006-09-27 07:02:19 · answer #8 · answered by dr's mom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Standing by your spouse is respectful. But it isn't healthy for you and the kids. If he needs to be alone, then leave him, take the kids but make it clear to him its temporary until he gets a hold of himself and start shaping up. Someone also has to counsel your husband and you can be with him during those times. For the kids to see and hear their father become abusive towards their mother is NOT healthy for the children.
2006-09-27 07:04:45 · answer #9 · answered by Equinox 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep an eye on him. Depression can lead to many dangerous things. Let him mull things over for a short time, then approach him about therapy or counsilling. This way you give him a little space and time, but still stand your ground as an loyal spouse who is with him through this hard time.
Good luck...
2006-09-27 07:09:25 · answer #10 · answered by Floss 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋