Unfaithful thoughts...am I a terrible person?

Question

I've been married for seven years. I have never cheated on my wife, yet, she CONSTANTLY accuses me of cheating.

I've always been an energetic, happy, fun person, but over the past few years I have grown irritable, grumpy, and drained because of all of her complaining and guilt trips.

I'm beginning to have unfaithful thoughts. I'm NOT interested in having sex with anyone (I have three small kids, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt them). I'm just really starting to long for a friendship with a woman who is kind and loving. Someone who would maybe even encourage me from time to time (or at least not DISCOURAGE me).

I'm not looking for sex. I'm just intrigued by the idea of a guilt-free relationship where we can just laugh with each other, and enjoy each other. Live peacefully.

Is this normal? Does that kind of relationship actually even exist?

Answer 1

Alright, you literally are going through what my husband and I are as we speak.

This past weekend I accused him and he had his last straw....left for two days. He said he came thisclose to cheating on me( if youre gonna accuse me, im gonna do it). Well those two days made me realize what was the problem.....me. I am putting out all my insecurities on him.... and yes he was wrong to even think about cheating on me.

I can tell you for a fact that something in her past is causing her to react this way. BUT she has to realize that. She has to think about how she has treated you. Has she taken you for granted? Is she sooooo stressed out from the kids that she is taking out all her frustrations on you? Has she forgot what it was like to be a woman not just a mother and a wife? Has she forgotten how to take care of herself instead of everyone else first?

Answer is probably yes.

Sit her down and ask her to talk and not to take anything you say in a bad way. Tell her that you are just trying to tell her your true feelings. She may get mad, but she will respect the honesty. Let her explain to you all her problems and frustrations to you. You do the same to her.

I can tell you too that she needs some attention....not just physical. She needs you to talk to her...really talk to her, and she dosent care whether its about the idiot at work, or the football game, anything. She also needs you to listen to her....not to fix what shes griping about so she'll shut up. Just listen.

offer to do a couple of her normal chores once in a while, give her a rose for no reason, tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you. You will get a big turnaround if she is receptive, and has actually thought about her actions too.


And for you you need to check back into this marriage...you married her for a reason, remember what that was, and if she has forgotten why too, well she has the same thing to remember.

Communication is the key to all your problems. If you try all this and she still dosent take a look at her part in this, well give her a reality check and leave for a couple days( be a good boy though lol) If she truly loves you she will decide to use those days to rearrange her thoughts, and treat you like the man she married, and you need to do the same.


I got my reality check and boy it worked. I had accused him twice before and I never really listened to him when he told me that trust is the most important thing to him in our marriage. I took that for granted and accused again.........we are still going to go to marriage counseling to try to get this fully resolved so it NEVER happens again. I want to get that spark back...the passion with him that has been missing for so long.....If you take my advice you will be on the right track too.

Good luck
Jennifer

Answer 2

I am recently separated. I had the same issues( among others ) with my husband. I have found that if you just be straight with the other person, then if they also want this marriage to work they will do something about the unresolved issues. I did cheat and it made things a whole lot more complicated. So don't do that. Let her know your true feelings and see where that goes. You never know it may just clear the air. If not then she must not be interested in salvaging your marriage. Either way you know. There is nothing wrong with having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, as long as it doesn't interfere with your family time.

Answer 3

There are relationships that actually are made up of people enjoying each other. I know were you are coming from. My husband never accused me of cheating but he was distance for a long time. I was lonely and that is something awful. He has come around a lot. It wasn't until we got into it real bad. Now things are better but only cause we both work at it and it is what we want. I think that there are people that laugh with each other and enjoy everything. It just is easier to say then achieve.

Answer 4

I was just wondering if your wife feel threatened because she feels inferior in any way? Does she have a career or any outside interest or is she just a homemaker and mom? Does she feel ugly or fat? I doubt if she is cheating on you when she has with 3 small kids.
Prehaps if you can afford it you can find something you both can do together as a couple. Join a gym. Go to concerts. Movies. Anything where you can show her undivided attention without the children. I think she is scared. Don't cheat on her you will regret it the rest of your life. Other women have their faults too. Maybe worse ones. Good luck.

Answer 5

I am in the same spot but it doesnt work. I left my hubby cause of a friendship with a guy cause I am the same as you except my man wouldnt even let me talk to a guy or anyone. So I started talkin to a guy and fell for him left my man for a little while so it wasnt cheating and I fell hard. I have the 3 kids so I couldnt do it without my husband so he came back and moved us 3000 miles away. Now I am lonely, tired, and am being controlled constantly. That is why I love to go to work to be me. I never cheated though and don't believe that is the answer. Do you have guy friends? Or is it just woman friends you want? I just want to be fun positive and a loving beautiful woman like I am. Do you feel like you are in prison also?

Answer 6

I don't think you are an awful person. I think it is terrible of your wife to accuse you of cheating if you aren't. Is she? and maybe she is feeling guilty? I also don't think it is too uncommon for married people to have unfaithful thoughts, just as long as you don't act on them. I have been married for 26 yrs. My husband is a good man, we have two grown daughters, but the marriage isn't what I would call "marriage". I am quite a bit older than you I'm assuming but if you feel the need to talk you may Email me and I would be glad to listen and on a friendship basis only. If you think I am crazy by saying this, you are not the only gentleman or lady that is in this same position and who talks to me. Just click on my avatar to ge t my Email.

Answer 7

Yes, it exists. You need to talk to her. I feel sorry for you b/c I couldn't imagine being accused of something you're not doing. And being accused only makes you want to do it!!!! That's normal honey. You need to sit down and talk. A serious talk. Don't give her ultimatums (sp?) or anything but tell her you're unhappy and you want to be happy with her and your family. Tell her that you have never cheated and never will, but her accusations makes you want to cheat!!! That's only normal. If they accuse you all the time, you might as well do it. She's got horrible trust issues. I am bad about not trusting very easily but I work on it and face the fact that if someone is going to hurt me, I can't control it. SHE IS MAKING YOU HURT HER!!!! Tell her to get a grip! You guys have kids together and you're an upstanding husband/father. Good Luck Honey.

Answer 8

Sounds like your wife is really scared of exactly what she's creating! She doesn't know what she's doing to your relationship, it's her way of trying to keep control of this never ever happening & yes to a point, you. I know it must be hard, but you did say you'd stick with her through better & worse...so try to tell her, maybe get marriage counselling, sometimes an unbiased person could bring enlightenment to some things you might be doing to make her feel this way. Not to mention helping your wife get over her unneccesary insecurities. Hope this helps I was once one of those wives, I love my husband so much & never want him to want anyone else. But I also changed because I knew I was pushing him away. Hopefully you two can work this out! Try it's worth it!

Answer 9

It seems like you need to talk to your wife and if that dont work get out of the relationship. Just because you have 3 small children doesnt mean u cant be a great father and not be married to their mother. If this weighing on your mind enough to change your attitude then your children will start to see the change. Its not healthy for u or your children. You will eventually start to hate your wife and things will just get worst. ive been there. it is also totally normal for u to have these thoughts. your not happy with your wife anymore .

Answer 10

>>> Does that kind of relationship actually even exist?

Yes, but majority of time it turns into a sexual thing. So do be careful. Maybe you should talk to your wife about it, you guys need to work it out, it won't get better if you don't. Maybe you need to see counseling or something. Remember, if you emotionally invest in another women, that amount of energy is taken away from your wife and your relationship with her. Have a heart-to-heart talk with her, try not to lay blames on her, but more focus on how you feel.