My wife died last year as a result of alcoholism. I have met somebody else, but feel so guilty for moving on.?

Question

My wife died last year as a result of alcoholism. She was only 37 years of age, 13 years younger than me. I understood her reasons for drinking. She was sexually abused by her father when she was young and always took pills, smoked canabis or drank to block everything out. I helped her in every way I could, but was never even with the help of professionals able to stop her drinking. She died a horrible death in hospital and her final words to me as I cradled her in my arms was, "Help me". Her death tore me apart and I thought I would never get over it.

I have now met somebody else, but feel so guilty for even speaking to another woman, let alone having a relationship with her. Although she is dead, I still feel my wifes presence, it's as though she is still with me and I don't think I will be able to commit myself fully to my new girlfriend. Should I try and make the relationship with my new girfriend work or do I just need more time ????

Answer 1

As sad as it is when we lose loved ones all the will in the world will never bring them back, thats a fact of life. And it is the ones that are left behind that have to pick up the pieces and try and carry on with life.

Our emotions are all over the place and guilt always seems to come out on top. You feel guilty that she died and you are alive! You feel guilty if you cry and if you dont! You feel guilty if you smile and if you cant! You feel guilty if you eat and if you dont! In fact everything you do or dont do, you feel guilty!

You did everything you could to help your wife and more importantly you showed her how much you loved her by always being there for her, for better or worse in sickness or in health! You was not responsible for your wifes death, it was out of your control, you were powerless to stop it...therfore you have nothing to feel guilty about.

There is no set time for how long it should be before we meet someone else after a partners death. For some it can be weeks, others months, sometimes even years. But i would say if you have the chance to be happy again and it feels right then go with it, your own needs and happiness are very important....your life goes on!

Sadly your wife has died but the wonderful memories you once shared will live on in your heart forever and meeting someone else will never take them away. You have to believe that your wife would have only ever wanted you to be happy.

I was alone with my partner 3years ago when he died a long painful death and the last words i remember him saying to me was 'promise me you will never ever love another man'. Those words have tomented me for years. I have lived alone for the past 3 years and most of the time has been a very lonely life and although i loved my partner with all of my heart, i realise now i cant live the rest of my life on his last words and hope one day to find love again...it just hasn't happened for me yet. You have a chance to find love again, at least give it a go. After all what have you got to lose?

Good luck and best wishes for your future happiness.

Answer 2

Dear Anthony, I've never been in your situation so can't speak from experience, but I would like to offer some help so here goes.

Your wife's life, her experiences during childhood and her alcoholism were not your fault. It sounds like you tried to understand what it was like for her and support her and you were there with her until the end. This is the most anyone can do for anyone. But while you were supporting her was anyone supporting you? It sounds like you had a traumatic time and experiences like that leave their mark and take time to recover from. It's only natural that your wife still seems present to you, after what you've been through.

But I think the best way to recover is to move on. Also, loving and being loved is the best way to mend a broken heart. You probably do need more time but that doesn't mean you have to spend it alone. If your new girlfriend has feelings for you then she will understand and won't put any pressure on you. Just try to have fun together and recapture the joy of life. I think you deserve it.

Answer 3

Wow, you have been though so much within the last year. I'm sorry to hear about your wife's passing.

I know you did everything you could to help her during her illness so, please don't feel guilty. We can only truly help people who really want to help themselves. Although, we do try to lead them in the right direction by having them see professionals for guidance, it's really up to them to do the work.

I think it is great that you have met someone that you would like to call your girlfriend but, if you are having these thoughts, I would think that it is probably to soon for you to start dating. Only you know for sure though.

I also think to help you get through this difficult time, you should try to get some professional help too. It's time to take care of yourself. You probably weren't able to do that when your wife was sick so, it may seem a little strange at first.

I hope in time, you will be able to find happiness and peace again.
You certainly do deserve it and I think your wife would have wanted that for you too. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck!

Answer 4

You did all you could and you helped her and you stuck with her through all the problems which is more many can say. You should be proud! Don't blame yurself for what happen to her- your wife wouldn't blame you because you were the best husband you could be. Yuo have done nothing wrong and this is an opportunity to move on with your life. Your wife would never have wanted you to stay unhappy and blame yourself because of her death. Think slowly and don't do anything you are uncomfortable with. Grieving takes time, give yourself space to heal. Good luck and i hope you are happy soon. Whatever makes you happy you should try not to let your wife stop something good happening with your new girlfriend.

Answer 5

I am deeply sorry for your loss, and understand the pain you must have gone through, trying to save your wife from a horrible, early death.

Please move on, though, and not feel guilty about doing so. You did your best; it was not your failure that killed her, but the demons inside her own head that made her an alcoholic. Work hard on this new relationship, and you will find the pain slowly departing. It may never go away, but love has a real healing power. I just hope your new found friend is understanding and patient.
I also hope that she is not prone to the same demons that killed you wife. Just take it one day at a time, friend!
God Bless!

Answer 6

I am so sorry to hear of your painful loss. Only you can know when you are ready. But you do not need permission to move forward with your life. You are too young to be single for the rest of your life. You have the potential to have more years ahead with a woman than you had with your wife. I say that, because that is the same thing I told my dad after my mother died. You might not be ready to commit, but go out and have friends who are women if you're not ready yet. Of course your wife will always be with you. You are not betraying her. You made vows to your wife, and you fulfilled them extraordinarily, just like a loving husband. Your committment to her has been fulfilled. You did well. Please don't punish yourself for living. Honor her through the belief that marriage was such a sweet thing that you would want to do it again. Don't get married today, but in time. Once you are sure. Statistically, most men whose wives pass before them are remarried within the next year. That is often a bit too fast, but you are not abnormal, and you are not betraying your wife. Blessings to you!

Answer 7

Maybe you feel you are being disrespectful to your late wife's memory. Ive never been through what you've been through so its probably very easy for me to say, but life's too short to be on your own. And if there's a chance you can find happiness with your new girlfriend then i think you should grab it with both hands. When people say " its time to move on" its true ( even though i don't like that expression) Your late wife was obviously s big part of your life for a long time, so explain all this to your girlfriend, im sure she'll understand. Good luck.

Answer 8

You need more time to grieve. Make sure any woman you get involved with knows how you feel so they know you arent ready for a heavy commitment. You will be able to move on, but it will take time, but dont stop getting out there and making friends it all helps the healing process. I havent lost a partner but I lost my 17 year old son 3 years ago and I never thought Id laugh again, but time is a great healer and although hes in my heart forever I am now able to laugh and go out without feeling guilty and it will happen for you. Take care and keep smiling honey.

Answer 9

Truth be told, you will always hold a part of your wife close to your heart. That's just the way it is when you truly love someone. You shouldn't feel guilty about moving on with your life. You did all you could for her and I am more than certain that God is pleased with you because of that. As a matter of fact, God said that it is not good for man to be alone. Why do you think He created Eve for Adam. So, as far as this new lady is concerned. Just be honest with her about what it is that you are feeling. Let her know exactly how you feel. She'll appreciate that. Honesty is key. Good luck!!

Answer 10

hi i am sorry for your loss but it is time to move on, not saying that you should forget her or stop loving her cos that will never happen i no. i jjust want you to know that you love more then 1 person in a lifetime, your not gonna replace the love you have for your first wife your just creating another love another chance and another life. you are never too old or young to start fresh. and im sure that your wife will never have held you back infact advised you to move on. you always deserve a chance, and believe me when i say that if you dont try to make it work you will quest what if for the rest of your life. give it ago try and make it work and go councelling or talk to a friend about how you are feeling it will decrease the weight off your shoulders. a year is long enough to morn over you wife and now its time to move on. dont forget that there are more then one way round a situation just think of your options and think of the the effect that they may have on your life. hope thing work out
and my best wishes are with you

bye and good luck
jyoti mehta