my husband likes my step dad but .......only wise adults plezzzz?

Question

i will try to make this long story short.
my mom died in 2003. my step dad cant drive or take care of bills.
he is slightly handicapped (mental) but not bad.
since mom passed i take him to shop, to church etc.
i have been around him since age 9.
when we dont include him in on all family get togethers i know it hurts his feelings. but my husband feels that we need to do some things(most seperate) friday is my hubbys birthday. we are all going out to eat, my mother in law, daughter and kids and her hubby.
my husband doesnt feel that my step dad needs to go too.
i dont want to hurt anyone or make anyone mad.
my step dads blood family lives 4 hours away.
i take him to see them twice per yr.
my step dad is one of my best friends.
we spend alot of time together , even went to doctor and out to eat today. we walk every evening.
iam all he has around here. whats right, whats wrong.
has anyone been where iam?? iam 40. my step dad is 56. mom married younger man.
like brother 2 me.

i think after reading these that my husband may be embarrased of my step dads handicap.
he was born premature, weighed 1 pd.
he is now 5 foot 1 tall. he moves rather fast.
his mental is like 15 yr old sometimes, but other times like his age ..56. he can be very wise., but at times childish.
my mother fell in love with him, i never understood it.
but he stood by her and cared for her till she died with alsheimers. he bathed her, fed her. she wouldnt allow anyone else to.
my life is crazy!!! but i do think of my step dad like a brother. he has been good to me.
he really is smart alot and makes me feel better. when we go 2 store ppl think he is my husband, it embarrasses me. but i love him!!! see what hell iam in. i will talk to my husband. thanks. write more 2 me ..ok..!!

Answer 1

I think you should strive to seek a 'balance' in this kind of family matter. Your husband has a very valid concern and it would be a wise step on your part to allow him opportunity to be with you on outings, dinners, or other social events....without stepdad. Your step dad may be a fine person, and he may feel left out, etc, but the bottom line is that he doesn't truly have any right or inherent privilege to be included in everything (or anything for that matter) that you and your husband partake in.

It's going to be hard on your because to date you've cultivated a situation where step dad can reasonably expect you to invite him along. But the stability of your marriage may suffer if you don't start to gradually change things and limit the number of times your step dad can come along. The risk is that your husband may need to seek solitude on his own...or escape...since he cannot achieve it with you as a partner.

I have similar feelings in regards to my elderly mother. There is always a strong desire to invite her to everything, but the reality is that it's a bad idea. There won't be anything to invite her to if my marriage faulters or there is so much tension in my household over her presence that quality time becomes a thing of the past.

Answer 2

Im sorry but I have never been in the situation that you are in. But, I will give you my opioun. I am 30, I consider myself to be wise.
But, anyway, you grew up with you step-father being in the role of your father, correct. If this is true then there is no reason why you should have to split your relationship with your step-father for your husband. That would be like you asking your husband to leave his mom behind on family outings. And as far as the birthday dinner goes, if you are bringing his mom and her hubby then there should be no reason what so ever why you shouldnt be aloud to bring your step-father. Its all family and he is your family. I do think that as your hubby said there are some things that you and your hubby and your kids should do togeather by yourself without your inlaws or your step-father. But I also feel that you should let your hubby know that your step-father is very very important to you and that he is family and has been for many many years and will continue to be there for many years to come. Let him know also that you feel that he needs you and that he doesnt have anyone else to ture to in the things that he needs help with the most. Im sure that your and your hubby will work this out. Your love will overcome this little arguement.

Answer 3

well, two things first of all its your hubbys party.If your hubby doesnt want him there then he shouldnt be their. It would not be a good thing if the guest of honor (so to speak) is unhappy at his own dinner.
The second thing is your hubby is probably having a hard time dealing with your step dads handicap. If it is a mental thing maybe he gets
embarrassed by his actions in public, or he is afraid he will do something embarrassing. What ever the case maybe, its probably the handicap your hubby has a problem with and not your step dad

Answer 4

You need to tell your husband that your step dad is part of your family and if he is inviting his family to functions that you should be able to invite your step dad. He really should understand that. There are times when you and your husband should do things without other family members but again if other family members are invited, so should he. Would your husband feel the same way if he were your Dad?

By the way, you have to be a great person to take care of your step dad the way you do. You should be applauded for that.

Answer 5

I am unsure where you father is, but if you are that close to you step-dad then you hubby should treat him like he's you're real dad. I would invite him and tell your hub that you are. Things like that are meant for family, and just because he's not blood doesn't mean that he's not yout family. It is the right thing to do and your husband needs to think about his mom or himself and if they were in that situation

Answer 6

He is your family, might not be blood, but the love is there. He has been your step dad since you were 9, so really you don't know life without him, your husband should understand that. Family is family, thats the bottom line.

Answer 7

Your husband needs to understand that your the most important person in your step dads life. (You are a great person for being such a help to him!) To ask you not to invite him to the dinner and purposely hurt his feelings due to being left out of a family event, is extremely inconsiderate of your husband. Invite the poor man and tell your husband to deal with it.

Answer 8

Basically, your step dad was your father in your important years??? And you all leave him out? Sorry, I dont' understand this one at all. What is the problem here? Why can't he be included in family get togethers? Is he disliked for some reason? Sorry, but I don't like this question at all.

Answer 9

Sounds like to me that your husband is jealous. Not necessarily jealous of a romantic relationship between you and your step-dad just jealous period. I had a step-dad that I was much closer to than my own mother. She was jealous that him and I had a closer relationship then her and I. Try to explain to your husband that he is your family and took care of you as a child and now that he needs you it is your turn, step-dad or real dad, it is the same. Let him know you are not trying to replace him, but if it were his father/mother would he feel the same way. Men tend to want all of our attention and it could be somethings that your dad does not need to be included in, but you and your husband need to sit down and put those on paper and stick to it, then you can go to your dad and speak with him and explain, that he is still your family but somethings he will not be included in because you and your husband feel it would be better that way. Don't set any blame on your husband when you talk to your dad and vice versa. Everyone is an adult and everyone should act like it. Do what you feel makes you comfortable and happy and let everyone else deal with it.******More Added******I know what you mean, my dad always gave me the best advice and I could talk to him about anything. If your husband is emabarassed by your dads handicap then you should confirm that with him and then tell him to get over and quit being so childish and self absorbed. If your dad loved your mother and took care of her and loves you and has helped take care of you when you were young, then the least you could do is make the last years of his life full of love and happiness. My dad (step-dad) passed away back in 1998 he was only 53, and if people knew of the regrets that I have, because I never told him or showed him just how much he meant to me, I will just say, life is too short to care and worry about what other people think, especially when it is about a situation that they don't completely know about or understand. My step-dad adopted me when I was 10 years old and as much as I loved him and as highly as I thought of him, I never called him dad to him, I introduced him as my dad and talked about him as my dad, but I never called him dad, and as simple as it may seem and as trivial, that is one of my biggest regrets, and something that even though he always said was ok that I didn't, it probably would have meant more to him than I know. So trust what your heart says and if your husband really loves you and stands by you the way a husband should, then tell him how you feel and tell him to get over whatever his feelings about your dad and the situation are. He should choose his battles, because one day one of his parents will need him, and how will he expect you to act and feel. We can't always have things our way, this is your battle to win not your husbands, he should just support you in the decisions you make concerning your dad and love you for it every step of the way. He needs to realize this one is NOT about him.

Answer 10

tough one ! Make you husband happy and hurt your stepdad or make your stepdad happy and upset your husband. Hard choice. I honestly think I would have my stepdad come along. There are plenty of other people going so your husband won't have to sit near him or be with him. He's been your "family" for 31 years and its a family celebration. I'd invite him. Why would your husband want to hurt his feelings like that.