My neighbor shot himself. What should I do?

Question

Last night, a neighbor told me that my next-door neighbor shot himself on Monday. He left a widow and two teen-aged daughters.
I did go over when I got home from work, today, but found a note on the door not do disturb them since they were resting. I can only guess that the visits from family and close friends have been tiring, along with the options they must consider as they deal with what must come next, such as funeral preparations and beyond. In the 5 years I've lived here, I've enjoyed visiting with them, sometimes, but mostly him as we'd discuss our hobbies and interests. They've gathered mail and deliveries during my trips out of town. At Christmas, we'd usually exchange a can of nuts or box of chocolates. Despite such visits and exchanges, I doubt I would be considered a close friend -- perhaps a friendly neighbor. So, what should my wife (since last November) and I do to show concern without being too obtrusive?

Answer 1

shoot the rest of his family to rid them of their pain?

OH! 7 thumbs down. i guess that wasn't the right answer. whoopsy.

Answer 2

Cook a nice casserole for them...something that can be frozen for later use if they don't want it now. Go to the visitation at the funeral home and also the funeral. The widow will be "lost" for a time so try to help her out with things such as mowing the lawn and other minor maintenance. But make sure you don't overdo it or your wife might feel like she's lost you to the neighbour. If your wife is friendly with the widow then she can visit her while you be the handyman hero.

Answer 3

It's very kind of you to think of your neighbor's family. I think a card with a nice note inside mailed to the family is a good start.

Since you know them, maybe it would be o.k. in the next few days to send over some food- like a casserole or a plate of cookies, etc. With family coming in, having some food around - and not worrying about preparing it is a worry off their minds.

After the funeral, stop by once in a while and ask if you can help- mow their lawn, help with raking leaves, etc. It will be nice to know that someone is thinking of them well past the funeral.

I am sorry for your loss and your neighbor's, too.

Answer 4

Yes,...a condolences note will be greatly appreciated.
When my bro committed suicide, people often didn't know what to say. Still I preferred a bit of an effort to convey sympathy over not acknowledging that something tragic happened to our family.
Offer your help in writing also for the day of the funeral....if possible. You are quite right...something like this is so unexpected...they are very busy figuring things out. I remember my Mom asking friends of my bro, if they would be so kind to carry the coffin...he's best friend declined last minute, because he didn't think he would be able to stand straight and do a good job. Thank God we had lots of other friends who even took off from work to help us that day. It was not a big problem at all when my bro's best friend said he wasn't gonna be able to do it, but he did attend the funeral. You can chose to not make an effort....but at least try.

Answer 5

I would hand-write a note that says how sorry you are and how you wish them the best of their healing, and tell them that if they need anything, they are free to ask at anytime. Don't mention his death, and you probably would be better off not mentioning his name. Sign your name and your wife too. Give them a bouquet of flowers. Attend the funeral if you're invited. And remember to leave them alone. This sounds obvious, but really, they need to be with each other through such a hard time. I'm sorry for what happened. PS: Do something nice for them, every little thing is appreciated in these circumstances.

Answer 6

In times like this even the mundane, everyday things seem somehow huge. What I mean is, take for example you do something like mow their lawn, take out the trash cans, etc, (as you most likely know their routine by now). These kinds of things would most likely be left to the side as they wouldn't want to even deal with such irritants, but if some of these things were done for them it somehow seems like a big deal. You could order them a pizza and deliver it to them with a note expressing your feelings maybe. You would know better what they may like, but any effort will come across as helpful, more then just saying words they have already heard.

Answer 7

I am so sorry that you are missing your neighbor. It sounds like you had a great relationship.

Perhaps you could send a nice delivery of flowers, or a card expressing your sympathy. Also, as their neighbor, you will still be around when all of the funeral hubub has died down but the family is still grieving. Perhaps your help then with things like mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, or doing other kinds of tasks, especially the tasks a man would usually do around the house, would be appreciated.

Answer 8

Extend your deepest regards to the family. A gift of food would be welcome at this time.

Doesn't matter how well you knew them, there was more than casual contact or there wouldn't have been a Christmas exchange.

In a couple of weeks, you might offer to help with household chores such as yard work. If you can make the committment that is.

Answer 9

Sorry to hear about your neighbor. I had a similar experience, but it was with my own brother. My brother shot and killed himself almost 24 years ago.
I would offer your condolences, give them a sympathy card. See if they need donations to help the family out, any charities, some support or send flowers.
They need to grieve, but let them know that you are there if they need anything. It sounds as if you were more than a neighbor, more like a friend.
The worst thing anybody can do is act as if that person was never alive. When they are ready share memories of him with them.

Answer 10

Since you're not close, give them some time. About a week after the funeral, go over and give your condolences. Explain to them that you didn't want to interfere with their mourning. Tell them that you really enjoyed the company of him [the deceased] and that you wish you had got to know him more.

Then tell them that...even though they've heard it a hundred times...if there's anything they need, they can call you [if you're up to that, if not, then don't worry about this part.]

Their close family and friends have probably talked their ear off, so show your concern, but don't urge them to talk to you about their feelings. Give them your best wishes, and continue to send them a can of nuts or a box of chocolate for Christmas, just to show them that life can go on.

Best of luck.

Answer 11

After my father passed away (I was only a baby) my mother sad that she got a hand wrote letter from a stranger that had been in the same spot in some form of way. She keep the letter to this day (he died when I was yr, I am now 28). And when someone she know passes away she pulls the 5 page letter out and gets ideas. Just doing something very personal can mean alot. If you go with the card - put a very personal letter in it!!!