I have two daughters ages 7 & 6. Their father hasn't lived with us since they were too young to remember. He sees them usually every Wednesday for about 5 hours, sometimes less. They love their dad. The problem we are facing now is that I've met a wonderful man who loves all of us. My daughters really have taken to him and we've spent much time together. Last Wednesday they visited with their dad. I told him about my new interest and how well it is working. (I'd not dated anyone in years) He took it upon himself to talk with our daughters without me. My daughters are now carrying heavy guilt because they think they are hurting their father's feelings. I'm not certain what he said to them and I don't know how to help them understand that they are not doing anything wrong by liking the "new guy". Does anyone have any suggestions of something I can do on my end to help them? Their dad isn't any help. And this relationship is promising for all of us. Thank you for your help.
2006-08-07 10:21:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I would sit down with them and make it very clear no one could or is going to replace their real father. Explain to them that they have no reason to feel bad because it's OK for them to care about this new guy and still love their father. I would also find out what it was he said to the girls and let him know he may be trying to mess things up for you, but what he's really doing is hurting the two girls who love him very much. Whatever you do make sure you don't say anything negative about their dad in front of them. All that will do is make them feel bad and cause resentment towards you because they love him and kids should never be exposed to the immature nonsense of bickering parents. Good luck and I hope all goes well for you guys.
2006-08-07 10:34:05 · answer #1 · answered by softlyinspired 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Why is their dad only seeing them for a few hours, once a week?
If he is an unfit or uninterested parent? Then, you need to talk to him 1 on 1, and help him understand that his choices resulted in the current situation. And allow him the opportunity to have a larger parental role; provided he is willing to accept the responsibility. You cannot spare them from guilt, if their Father is feeling insecure. They will pick up on it-even if he doesn't say anything. He probably feels left out of their lives (Are you responsible for this?) and doesn't know where he fits in. The scariest thing for a single Father is the threat of a new Dad.
Tell your children the truth: Their Dad is worried that they will forget about him, and they won't need him, and they won't respect him...etc.
Are they really carrying heavy guillt? Did he really say something?
I hope you're not trying to use your kids as an excuse to push him farther away. As a mother it is your responsibility to help build the relationship with their absent father.
2006-08-07 10:43:05 · answer #2 · answered by limendoz 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Been there and done that. It is very hard. First, NEVER say anything negative about their father to them - no matter what he says or does. Second, talk to the ex about the new guy in front of the kids so they know you are not keeping secrets. Third, just sit the kids down and talk to them. Explain to them that the relationship between mom and dad is over but not between them and dad. Make sure they know that the new guy is not and will never be their dad. He wants to be in their life but not replace their dad. It may be smart to do this with his around so they see he agrees. Explain to them that they are lucky because they have a mom, dad, and others in their life too. Make sure they know that they can talk about dad even in front of the new guy. Just be careful letting them get too close to any new guy because a break up is hard for kids to get over too. Good luck!
2006-08-07 10:32:54 · answer #3 · answered by Toni 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is something you both should have discussed with them or you alone. He should not have done that. Let them no that they are not turning their back on dad by liking your new friend, it is ok to open your heart to new people. My two older children, went through the same thing, except their dad only came around when he felt like it. And he tried to make them feel bad about liking or being comfortable around another male figure. But, I just let them know that it is ok, they can love their dad and still enjoy spending time with another dad figure.
2006-08-07 10:31:48 · answer #4 · answered by Rachelle R 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Please don't remarry until your daughters are all grown up ( over 18 ) growing up in a single home is hard enough for them. The last thing they need is another man around taking up Mommy daughter time ( this by the way would be the best case scenario ) sure they like him now but they don't understand ( even if they say they do ) what the big picture is, he is here for life.
Do what you have been doing, be the mother for your children, you can remarry after they have grown up.
2006-08-07 20:40:58 · answer #5 · answered by outdoor man 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow. What a sucky situtation to be in.
First and foremost, you've got to let them know that your "special friend" is NOT trying to take their dad's place - nor can he ever or even try to. (He's an extra one not a replacement.) Nor will he ever get in the way of their relationship with their dad.
Once that boundary is established, let nature take it's course. Your kids will see their dad for who he really is soon enough.
Good luck!!!
2006-08-07 10:30:34 · answer #6 · answered by zippythejessi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, that's a tough one. All you can do is talk to your ex first, and tell him not to be telling your daughters things like that....well...actually, why don't you know what he said to them? Didn't you ask your daugthers? Usually you can poke and pry and they will spill their guts. I would tell them that daddy is wrong on some things, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love them, but daddy isn't always right. And ask them what THEY think.
I have an ex husband and we have one son that lives with me and my husband. My son came home one day saying that his daddy said to him that he only has one dad, and not two. I just asked him, "Well, what do you think? Do you think you have two daddies, or one?" And he answered, "I think I have two daddy's." I said, "That's right! You know, sometimes your daddy isn't always right." And from then on, he hasn't had a problem with it.
2006-08-07 10:36:37 · answer #7 · answered by amyvnsn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell them to talk to him about it!! That is the only way that they can tell him how they feel directly. Also, you should ask them what he says about it afterwards. You never know if he could be telling them something negative about you, or your boyfriend. I was in the same situation when I was younger, and my dad was a severe manicdepressive, so I was put through quite a bit of grief when my mother remarried.
2006-08-07 11:19:24 · answer #8 · answered by PerfeclyImperfect 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
first explain to your ex that Your children only have one Father and one Mother that your new interest will not attempt to interfere with their relationship that his relationship is special and that your new interest's relationship is also special. Your ex may be feeling insecure. Now explain to your daughters that they only have one daddy and cherish the time they have with him and it is OKAY to like your new friend Keep it simple undemeaning and your kids will be ok
2006-08-07 10:30:16 · answer #9 · answered by Lorraine H 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Explain to them that their dad is just trying to get them to feel bad for them, even if he does love them. Say that they'll still be able to see each other like they always do.
2006-08-07 16:37:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋