Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

2007-03-05 22:32:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob & his three golf buddies were out playing and were coming down the 12th fairway when Bob paused, looked down the fairway & burst into tears

Concerned for their friend, the other three gathered around him to find out what the problem was.

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed, dried his eyes & apologised for his emotional outburst. “I’m sorry, I always get emotional here - it holds very difficult memories for me.”

“What happened?” Said one of his friends

Bob stared silently off in the distance, and then said in a low voice, “This is where my wife and I were 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack.”

“Crikey!!” the other golfers said, “That must’ve been horrible!”

“Horrible? You think it’s horrible?” Bob cried in disbelief, “It was worse than that!! All the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice . . . !"

2007-03-05 22:31:31 · 18 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Three guys talk in the office after a night out.

First guy says, "Man!! I was sooo drunk last night!! I'm tellin you it took me 3hrs to get home!! and I only live 100m from that bar!"

Second man says, "Thats nothing, I can't even remember gettin home, I was sooooo drunk!"

Third guy says quietly, "man I was so drunk, when I got home I blew chunks!"

The first two look at him and say "well thats not that bad!!"

Third guy replies "Chunks is the name of my dog?!?!"

2007-03-05 21:46:36 · 20 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old fella replied, "I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me everytime I get up in the middle of the night."

The Doc was concerned, "You mean, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that the Lord turns on the bathroom light for him!"

"AAhhh" say's the wife "So its him thats been peeing in the fridge!"

2007-03-05 21:40:48 · 16 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

2007-03-05 21:39:12 · 18 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

2007-03-05 21:21:07 · 25 answers · asked by venkat t 1

in the bible it says if you have faith you can do anything not true how can you slam a revolving door???

2007-03-05 21:19:37 · 4 answers · asked by That guy 3

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 a.m., the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

2007-03-05 21:17:45 · 17 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Why cant you have driving lessons and sex education on the same day in iraq????


IT WEARS OUT THE CAMEL......

2007-03-05 21:11:30 · 14 answers · asked by THE VIOLATER 1

2007-03-05 21:07:53 · 40 answers · asked by venkat t 1

It's the one with the frogs singing, about people munching their popcorn, and kicking your chair back, not turning their phones off etc... I believe it's being shown pretty much worldwide...in all cinema's.... it must be available to download somewhere...???

2007-03-05 21:04:03 · 5 answers · asked by bigman2ab 2

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog on the lily pad????

"your right!!! we do taste like chicken."

2007-03-05 21:03:56 · 15 answers · asked by THE VIOLATER 1

2007-03-05 21:03:28 · 10 answers · asked by misstigeress 4

2007-03-05 21:02:28 · 7 answers · asked by misstigeress 4

first you know difference between good bad things

2007-03-05 21:02:03 · 15 answers · asked by venkat t 1

(say this in urdu or punjabi once uve read it okay)
there woz once a guy who wanted to learn English in Pakistan, so asks his uncle who knows English
his uncle decides it okay for him to learn English so says to him
ur first word for today is 'yes'
the boy goes out and sees a kulfi van, the owner asks, do u want an icecream, the boy replies yes, he gets the kulfi
he sees a matai shop and stops, the owner asks do u want a matai, the boy replies yes, he walks on and sees a kusra, and starts to be cheeky to the guy, the kusra turns around and asks the boy if he wants a smack, the boy replies yes - and gets a whole beating
when he returns home, he says to his uncle, chacha, i dont like that arf, miki ik hor arf thio?
his chacha gives him the second word, no
he goes to the matai shop and kulfi shop where he is asked if he wants some of the stuff, he replies no, slightly upset, the boy walks on to find the kusra, and goes and starts being cheeky, the kusra turns around and says

2007-03-05 20:57:11 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did god create adam before Eve???


TO GIVE ADAM A CHANCE TO SPEAK.....

2007-03-05 20:56:26 · 25 answers · asked by THE VIOLATER 1

2007-03-05 20:55:36 · 11 answers · asked by misstigeress 4

2007-03-05 20:54:50 · 8 answers · asked by misstigeress 4

2007-03-05 20:52:58 · 10 answers · asked by misstigeress 4

Which way does a door always open - Left, right, down or up?????

2007-03-05 20:52:56 · 12 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

2007-03-05 20:50:58 · 28 answers · asked by venkat t 1

What's the difference between anxiety and panic?

- anxiety is the first time a man can't get it up the second time.

- panic is the second time he can't get it up the first time.

2007-03-05 20:50:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-05 20:47:58 · 26 answers · asked by Honeybee 6

Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.

Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.

Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.

Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.

Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.

Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.

Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.

Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.

Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.

Sex with 4WDrivers - four-on-the-floorgasms.

Sex with a salesmen - door-to-doorgasms.

Sex with a virgin - my-hymen-got-torgasms.

Premature ejaculators have - beforegasms.

Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.

Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eeyore-gasms.

Sex while broke - poor-gasms.

Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.

Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.

Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.

Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.

Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.

Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.

Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.

Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.

Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.

Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.

Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.

Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.

Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.

Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.

Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.

Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.

Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.

Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.

Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.

Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.

Sex while flying - soar-gasms.

Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.

Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.

Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms.

Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.

Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.

Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.

Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.

Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.

Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.

Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.

Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

2007-03-05 20:26:53 · 8 answers · asked by kenmauiphoto 5

NEWSPAPER!

2007-03-05 20:23:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

2007-03-05 20:18:15 · 6 answers · asked by BAM-BAM 1

Or do you just grin and not add insult to injury?

2007-03-05 20:05:18 · 9 answers · asked by kenmauiphoto 5

Two blondes were sitting around talking. After awhile, first
blond looks at the second blonde and says, "Hey, you want
to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second blonde says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually
they run low on fuel and need to land. The pilot starts circling
around looking for a place to land. She sees an airstrip close by.
She says her new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here.
It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So she circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last
minute she swerves and pulls back up. "Damn!" she says,
"That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is
anyone supposed to land on it?"

Since it's the only runway nearby, she decides to try again,
with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to
her friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I
can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die."

So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first blonde is
swearing and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna
find whoever designed their crazy runway and wring her
neck! She must be total moron! No one could land on anything
that short!"

The second blonde looks around and says "Yeah, but look
how wide it is!"

2007-03-05 19:58:22 · 13 answers · asked by Write Brain 6

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?



A. Not everyone has been in a 747?

2007-03-05 19:43:01 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous