Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so

2007-03-06 01:40:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

96% of Americans say oh sh** before going into the ditch.

the other 4% are from tennessee and say hold my beer and whatch this sh**!!!!!!

2007-03-06 01:37:22 · 17 answers · asked by slick_chik316 3

i have the habit of it

2007-03-06 01:22:48 · 19 answers · asked by 11 1

A professer was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a sweet , all the kids got the same colour at the same time.

Red=Cherry
Green=Lime
Orange=Orange
Yellow=Lemon

Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professer gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddie"

Then one little girl looked at the professer and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out there a**holes"

2007-03-06 01:15:59 · 23 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

two men sitting in a sauna.
one says, "it's really hot in here"
the other says "aaahhhh a talking man"

oh, it doesn't really work does it

2007-03-06 01:15:35 · 11 answers · asked by markhatter 6

yummi cafe is an excellent restaurant with a very good reputation.however,one day,all the people who took their lunch at the restaurant became sick.there was nothing wrong with the food or drinks served at the restaurant.the air in the atmosphere was fine and all the people is healthy and normal.can you suggest what happened?

2007-03-06 01:15:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two buns in an oven.

One turns to the other and says "Bloody hot in here!!"

Other bun look terrified and yells "AAhhhhhhhhh... A talking bun!!!!"

2007-03-06 00:53:28 · 16 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

Subject: Skinny-dipping
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast

2007-03-06 00:48:57 · 24 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

one says "god its hot in here", the other says "****!, a talking sausage!!!!!!" ha ha ha ha ha ha

2007-03-06 00:31:25 · 12 answers · asked by fear of the dark 4

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her,
‘And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too.’

2007-03-06 00:27:27 · 28 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any? The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

2007-03-06 00:26:01 · 18 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

a duck was waiting to cross the road, when a chicken walked up to it and said, dont do it mate youll never hear the end of it....

2007-03-06 00:19:11 · 14 answers · asked by reem2 3

Mary's father has five children. They are Nana, Nene, Nini, and Nono. What is the fifth childs name?

Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it, Five in the middle is seen; First of all figures, the first of all letters, Take up their stations between. Join all together, and then you will bring Before you the name of an eminent king.


In a contest, four fruits (an apple, a banana, an orange, and a pear) have been placed in four closed boxes (one fruit per box). People may guess which fruit is in which box. 123 people participate in the contest. When the boxes are opened, it turns out that 43 people have guessed none of the fruits correctly, 39 people have guessed one fruit correctly, and 31 people have guessed two fruits correctly. The Question: How many people have guessed three fruits correctly, and how many people have guessed four fruits correctly?

You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I

2007-03-06 00:19:02 · 15 answers · asked by xXx_AimZ_xXx 2

Tell Me your BEST joke dammit! for a chance at Best answer and 10 points!

2007-03-06 00:11:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Wichita Lineman walked into a drug store and asked to
> > talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking
> > to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also
> > widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males
> > employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
> >
> > The Lineman said that it was something that he would be
> > much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
> >
> > The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely
> > professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he
> > could be confident that she would treat him with the highest
> > level of professionalism.
> >
> > The old lineman agreed and began by saying, "This is tough
> > for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes
> > me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was
> > wondering what you could give me for It.
> >
> > The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.
> >
> > When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and
> > the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a
> > company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses!
>
>

2007-03-06 00:07:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

boom boom

2007-03-06 00:00:14 · 9 answers · asked by BAM-BAM 1

your mom is so fat we had to grease the doorframe and hold a twinkie on the other side to get her through...

2007-03-05 23:50:45 · 16 answers · asked by l1zzyxc0re 2

A piece of tarmac walks into a bar and says I’m hard as stone can take any thing give me a pint so the barman gives him a pint. 5 mins later he dives under the table and the barman asks thought you were hard what you hiding from?

Tarmac replies you see that red bit of tarmac that’s just walked in well he's a cycle path!!

2007-03-05 23:48:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men are sitting down talking. The first man decides to have a little fun at the second man's expense.
He starts, "I did your mom real gooooood last night."
A little aggitated, the second man replies, "Please don't day that."
The first man continues, "I made her moan all night long!"
Getting a little more angry, the second man replies, "I've heard about enough, please stop!"
Not yet done, the first man gets in yet another jibe, "Your mom made me a real happy man last night."
Finally, the second man, wanting to hear no more, yells at the first man, "Stop it! You're being really gross, Dad!"

2007-03-05 23:45:39 · 11 answers · asked by helloeveryone 3

Two very popular and common objects have the same function, but one has thousands of moving parts, while the other has absolutely no moving parts. What are they?

2007-03-05 23:38:29 · 16 answers · asked by JAMIE 2

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

2007-03-05 23:34:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

2007-03-05 23:33:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

On entering a dark attic a collector with 20:20 vision spotted a vase amid all the junk. He at first read the date inscribed on it as being exactly 330 years later then it actually was. When he got up close he saw he was mistaken, although the date was carved in large (Arabic) numerals and very clearly at that. How might his mistake have been caused?

2007-03-05 23:32:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please don't take offense to this joke, it has no malicious intent!!

Blokes been drinking at a bar for hours, the barman turns to him and says that he has had too much and should go home.

The bloke creates a big fuss and gets one more drink.

After the last drink he attempts to get off the bar stool, and falls to the floor...... he hauls him self up and moves forward about a meter and falls to the floor again!!!

Luckly the bloke only lives 200m from the pub, however hard the bloke tries ever meter he falls to the ground... hauls himself up.... falls down....

Next morning the blokes wife brings him a cup of tea in bed and exclaims "you cirtainly had a few last night!!"

The bloke protests "No No, I only had a couple"

"Rubish!" Says the wife, "I know you had far to much last night because Larry the barman called.... says you've left your wheel-chair in the bar!!!"

2007-03-05 23:25:11 · 6 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

What is so fragile that when you say its name you break it?

2007-03-05 23:21:07 · 12 answers · asked by JAMIE 2

The World's Hardest Riddle

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle?


WHATT IS IT?!

2007-03-05 23:12:57 · 8 answers · asked by Rebecca 3

three me sitting at a bar the first man says to the other two lets sees who is the dirtyest he then cough up some cold and spat it on the table this cold was lumpy and yellow. the second man replied thats isn't dirty so in turn cough up some cold to but his was brown, yellow and also lumpy. they both nodded that was dirty .the thrid man said that is not dirty so in turn cough up some cold spat it with the rest, took out a straw stirred up the mixture and drank the mixture right of the table and ask what do you think of that ??

2007-03-05 23:08:35 · 14 answers · asked by k?? 2

when I put 7 inch long inside , & shake it for 5 minutes, it produces a white foam, better to do it twice a day.

2007-03-05 22:54:35 · 12 answers · asked by sk 3

ouch!

2007-03-05 22:48:52 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lives in new york city when he gets up to go to work he rides the elevator all the way down when he comes home he only rides the elevator to th 27th floor unless someone else is in the elevator with him then he rides the rest of the way up to the 49th floor why is this?

2007-03-05 22:37:34 · 18 answers · asked by JAMIE 2