Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

egg bacon sausage mushroom and tomato in a frying pan, sausage says to bacon its hot in here,bacon says to egg,do you think so?mushroom says its just warm,tomato says its freezing,,,,,frying pan says AAAAAHHHHH a talking breakfast

2007-03-06 05:39:18 · 11 answers · asked by reem2 3

imao

its really buggin me nd all my friends are usin it

please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-06 05:34:51 · 8 answers · asked by krazykitten123@btinternet.com 1

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

2007-03-06 05:34:12 · 6 answers · asked by M.S. Mom 4

so the story is:

There wuz this newly wed couple. and they wer pretty confortable with each other. the husband just started farting up a storm everyday and the wife said "if u keep farting ur gunna fart ur guts out". and he simply replies "oh that will never happen". one early morning she got an evil idea. she quielty went down stairs and got sum raw meat. she carefully placed it in his boxers and waited down stairs. she later herd a loud scream. 10 minutes later he comes down and she chuckles "wut happned hunny". he wuz scared and said "remember wen u told me that 1 day i wuz gunna fart my guts out? well it happend and with a little oil i wuz able 2 push it back in"

2007-03-06 05:31:24 · 1 answers · asked by spykz 2

Mine is... There was a dom blone skipping down a rail road track singing thirty one, thirty one, thirty one a brown haired lady saw her doing this and thought it looked fun so she asked if she could join her and the dum blonde said yes so they started to skipp allong singging thirty one, thirty one, thirty one pretty soon a train came by so the bloonde steped off the track but the brown haired lady didn't hear the train and got ran over once the train was gone the dom blone got back on the track and stared to skipp and sing thirty two, thirty two,thirty two. I think it's a funny one here's anther. There were 11 men and a dom blonde on a boat it was to much weght so one called a heicopter to come save them on there cell phone. When the heicopter got there they let down a rope and all 11 men and the dom blonde hoped on they were to heavy so they said the dom blonde should get off so the dom blonde said she would so all the claped. they all fell off the rope because they clapped for her!!

2007-03-06 05:28:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Darn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

"What's this doing here?"

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"

"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."

"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"

"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"

"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."

"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

"This patient has already had some kids, right?"

"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."

"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"

"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing

2007-03-06 05:23:36 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

The Equation:

7 Glance = 1 Smile

7 Smile = 1 Meeting

7 Meeting = 1 Kiss

7 Kisses = 1 Proposal

7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -

And that 1 Bloody marriage has 7777777777777 Problems.

So beware of glance!

2007-03-06 05:23:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

''its the blind man'' he replied.
The nun thought quickly and shouted back ''ok, come on in''.
the blind man walked in and said ''Nice t!ts, where do you want me to hang the blind?''

2007-03-06 05:22:56 · 8 answers · asked by Honeybee 6

A train signal man had a pet monkey that he took to work with him every day.This man also liked a drink while he was working and eventually he lost his job through this, but as he had been taking his monkey to work every day for years the monkey could also do his job, so they gave the job to the monkey!!!!!!!!!!! whats wrong with that?

2007-03-06 05:22:24 · 12 answers · asked by lucybashh 2

Wedding Anniversary

Don was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds ... AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Don got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Don has been missing since Friday

2007-03-06 05:19:38 · 20 answers · asked by graciegirl 5

My grandmother had an operation last week, she found a lump on her side and it had to be removed. At the hospital she was very nervous but was being very brave. They wheeled her down to surgery and she was given a general, when the surgeon lifted her gown to start the op, he couldnt believe what he saw, there under her rolls of fat was a pork chop. jeeez

2007-03-06 05:16:05 · 11 answers · asked by lucybashh 2

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just cr@p in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

2007-03-06 05:09:39 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

Add ur comments for title ...Andheri raat mein........
it can andheri raat mein mombati tere hath mein....
or andheri raat mein kutta bow bow

2007-03-06 05:06:50 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME

1. MONICA LEWINSKY
2. O.J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK?

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O.J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND. .....
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

2007-03-06 04:55:19 · 5 answers · asked by Cookie Monster 5

Dont take it seriously.
How it was??
Dear
Microsoft Technical Support,

I desperately need some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors
and also took
up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the
product
brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs
and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other
system
activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no
longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate
Saturday
Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I
cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run
any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.

With regards,

(Ullu
No.1)

----------------------------------------------------------------------





THE REPLY:

Dear customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a
basic misunderstanding. Many men
upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is
merely a
UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be
able to purge
Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not
designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge
the program files
from the system once installed. Some people have tried to install
Girlfriend
8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in
manual under
alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I
recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best
you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them,
you must
run the C: \I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the
*Esc-key. It
may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully
eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0
although a very
high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of
it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and
Chocolates 5.0. Do
not under any circumstances install Secretary36.24.36 (Short Skirt
version) as
this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will
almost certainly crash. Thank you for using the programme!!!

PS: In no case try to install the free software
(Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes
with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to
Not Responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system.

2007-03-06 04:50:03 · 6 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

What is the best joke about a president that you have heard?

2007-03-06 04:49:38 · 3 answers · asked by Ralph 7

They interviewed the boy on tv the other night, they asked him what his favourite instrument was at school, he replied, THE DINNER BELL!!!!

2007-03-06 04:44:33 · 27 answers · asked by lucybashh 2

A blonde was involved in a car crash and broke her arm and collar bone. The paramedic told her about her broken bones which upset her and then he asked her how many fingers he was holding up. She said.... oh no, I must be paralysed as well, I can't feel a thing !!

2007-03-06 04:43:06 · 7 answers · asked by charliebrown 2

A teacher asked her class, "what do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "all I want out of life is four little animals, just like Mom always says."

The teacher asked, "really and four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "a mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."

The teacher fainted.

2007-03-06 04:39:45 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

im a 20 year old female who dos'nt work and theres this job going at domino's pizza the thing is its not a great job and if i get it im gonna be really embarrest to tell any one i work there. if it was you would you feel embarrest? ( oh ye i have been to college im not totally useless even though i cant spell :) )

2007-03-06 04:38:54 · 48 answers · asked by SHY1 2

last years hide and go seek winner .

2007-03-06 04:36:05 · 10 answers · asked by martinmm 7

2007-03-06 04:28:17 · 5 answers · asked by mahmoud adam 1

because it had GAS..

2007-03-06 04:25:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

to get to the other PRIDE... hahaha

2007-03-06 04:24:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two drunks sitting in at the bar one says to the barmaid a bottle of that beer from the bottom shelf please, she bends down and her skirt goes up the drunk says "tickle your bum with a feather" she spins round and says what did you say there, drunk says it's exceedingly bad weather, she says oh sorry, the two drunks start sniggering and the first drunk leaves, an hour later the second drunk who is now very drunk says to the guy sitting next to him watchhh thishhh mate, he says to the barmaid could I have a bottle of beer from the bottom shelf she bends down and her skirt goes up again the drunk slurs tickle your bum with a feather, she spins round quick as a flash and says "what did you say" the drunk now totally confused says...it's pissin the rain outside...lol

2007-03-06 04:22:37 · 4 answers · asked by William C 2

Sorry to all my Blonde friends, I just couldn't resist.
Puget Sounders should get a hoot out of this. ; )

A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into Puget Sound.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the
pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live
for.

I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
"Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a
wink, "I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy."

The blonde nodded "yes" through her tears. After all, what did she
have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat,
along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her
sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad,
passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered
by the Captain.
"What in the heck are you doing here?" the Captain demanded
angrily.

I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly) he's taking
advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink)."

"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said, "This is the Bremerton
ferry."

2007-03-06 04:20:30 · 10 answers · asked by areyoukidding 4

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50º Fahrenheit (10°C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.


35º Fahrenheit (1.6°C)
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32º Fahrenheit (0°C)
American water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.

0º Fahrenheit (-17.9°C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60º Fahrenheit (-51°C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100º Fahrenheit (-73°C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
; Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173º Fahrenheit (-114°C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460º Fahrenheit (-273°C)
Absolute zero: all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "Cold eh?"

-500º Fahrenheit (-295°C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

2007-03-06 04:14:25 · 6 answers · asked by xartinu33 3

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

2007-03-06 04:06:15 · 10 answers · asked by ☆skyblue 7

I especially like blonde jokes!

2007-03-06 04:01:09 · 7 answers · asked by blisskissbabe 2

Art Conn, Gloria Goody and Dr. Prod were staying at the SOUL-ACE Hotel on the Isle of Begile, where the natives always lie and the visitors always tell the truth. While sitting on one of the hotel’s balconies overlooking the crashing waves of Perjurer’s Cove, Gloria turned to Art and said, “Art, I think you are a liar.” Art looked into Gloria’s eyes and replied, “Me? I don’t think so. It’s Dr. Prod here who is the liar.” Dr. Prod, not being one to take accusations lightly, interjected, “As far as I’m concerned, you’re both liars!” And with that Prod stomped off in a huff. Since two of the three are lying, who is the visitor?

2007-03-06 03:57:17 · 24 answers · asked by crazydiamondbc 1