Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

movie?

2007-03-06 07:24:53 · 4 answers · asked by mrrosema 5

Where will you find roads without cars on them, forests without trees in them and cities without houses in them?

2007-03-06 07:22:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the dictionary meaning or what do u mean by "shagging" or "shag"

2007-03-06 07:20:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've been married to my wife for 15 years. Time hasn't been kind to her. Should i offer to pay for a facelift , tummy tuck and liposuction for her.This would be expensive she needs a lot of work, or should i just leave her for someone younger?

2007-03-06 07:20:12 · 17 answers · asked by 2bitnobody 2

A wind tunnel.

2007-03-06 07:19:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am the size of your fingertip. My brothers can be smaller or larger but we all act as one serving you until the setting of the sun. You see me everyday whether you realize it or not. Most of us have 4 eyes and are held in place by one small knot. We are important so never lose a single one of us. What are we?

2007-03-06 07:19:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I cover you and give you warmth,
Though I am sometimes a bother.
I began to help you from the beginning,
But it took me a little while to form.
What am I?

2007-03-06 07:17:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 blondes walk into a bar and every time they toast they say the number 53!!!! Finally the bartender gets fed up and asks them what 53 means. They tell him "We were sick of everyone saying how dumb blondes were so we went out and bought a puzzle that said 2 years and up on it and solved it in 53 days!!!!!!!!
LOL

2007-03-06 07:14:56 · 11 answers · asked by tower.over.me 3

I'm amazing 'cause I've got the force
To hold down a cow or a horse
As you've doubtlessly found,
I am always around,
And I'm constantly working, of course.

What am I?

2007-03-06 07:05:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-06 07:04:06 · 8 answers · asked by rageagainstthemachine123420 1

I wanna laugh!

2007-03-06 07:03:50 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

three blondes jump off the empire state buildin. two die and one live. the cops ask her what they were doin. she said i'm not gona lie to ya,
we wanted to try out our maxi wings.

i think it is cruel to make fun of blondes but i guess thats b cuz i am one.

2007-03-06 07:03:32 · 10 answers · asked by NIKKI S 2

a man walks into a bar with a giraffe. after a few hours the giraffe is completely sloshed and it passes out on the bar. the man gets up to leave and the bartender stops him and says:
"hey! you can't leave that lyin' here"
and the man says:
"its not a lion, it's a giraffe".

LOOOOL! heeheehee

2007-03-06 07:02:21 · 13 answers · asked by teDDie xx 2

live above a star, and yet I never burn,
I have eleven neighbors, and yet none of them turn,
I am visited in sequence, first, last or in between,
PRS (& sometimes Q) are my initials,
Now, tell me what I mean.

2007-03-06 07:00:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a 6 letter word.
Letters 6-5-2 spell out a drink.
Letters 4-5-2-3 spell out a fruit.
Letters 1-2-6 spell out a pet.
Letters 3-2-6 spell out a pest, which often gets eaten by 1-2-6.
What am I?

2007-03-06 06:57:59 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're in a room with a match; candle; and a stove; which do you light first?

It's a really simple joke, but if you get it wrong, boy will you feel stupid. I know I did.

2007-03-06 06:54:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman are driving along a country road on a cold winter night when the car breaks down. Before leaving to find help, the man tells the woman not to open the doors or windows and not to let anybody in. He leaves, and she does as he says. When he returns, she is dead and there is a stranger in the car. What happened?

2007-03-06 06:52:19 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-06 06:50:16 · 19 answers · asked by randy bobandy 2

I know it is a stupid question.Come on its funny you got to admit. My mascot is the bear so I guess it poops in the woods.

2007-03-06 06:47:31 · 2 answers · asked by Bandit 2

Unfortunately we've run out of milk. Do you think it will be ok to use my wifes breast milk??

2007-03-06 06:32:06 · 19 answers · asked by 2bitnobody 2

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."

2007-03-06 06:19:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

We’ll try to have them fixed for you by the time we get there.”

2007-03-06 06:16:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

now available in powder form to put in your tea. does bugger all for your erections, but stops your biscuits going soft!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-06 06:12:33 · 3 answers · asked by fear of the dark 4

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED
The 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

2007-03-06 06:11:00 · 34 answers · asked by Tink 5

My wife says giving birth is like sh!tt!ng a football.
I think she's exaggerating to try and get my sympathy, our son only wieghed 13 lb at birth. What do you think??

2007-03-06 06:00:23 · 40 answers · asked by 2bitnobody 2

2007-03-06 05:54:31 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

You Know You're a Mother When ...
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws-up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything".

2007-03-06 05:47:42 · 53 answers · asked by Tink 5

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"

2007-03-06 05:45:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

2007-03-06 05:42:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Fairytale For The Assertive Woman Of The 2000's

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said:
" Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night,
on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:

"I don't think so!"

2007-03-06 05:39:51 · 48 answers · asked by Tink 5