Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

An Irish family have been found frozen to death outside the dublin Odeon.
They had been queing for 3 weeks to see CLOSED FOR THE WINTER!!!!!

2007-03-06 09:14:41 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

2007-03-06 09:12:33 · 12 answers · asked by Smurf 7

Julie had to number 275 dance tickets by hand. How many digits did she have to write?

2007-03-06 09:09:07 · 9 answers · asked by starbrigth001 3

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in "the
English language" that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is
hungry.
EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

2007-03-06 09:04:34 · 30 answers · asked by nickidee 2

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

2007-03-06 09:03:39 · 11 answers · asked by Smurf 7

On the Harley, the dirtbag is on the back!

2007-03-06 09:01:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Can you read this?
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> Only great minds can read this
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>This is weird, but interesting!
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>fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
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>Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
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>i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The
>phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde
>Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,
the
>olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
>pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit
a
>pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
>istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas
tghuhot
>slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
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2007-03-06 08:54:22 · 26 answers · asked by txO3blueeyes 4

The houses on wheeler Avenue are numbers 1 to 138. How many house numbers contain at least one digit 6?

2007-03-06 08:53:06 · 26 answers · asked by starbrigth001 3

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Your last name stays put.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Wedding dress, $5000, Tux rental $100.
You can never be pregnant.
Chocolate is just another snack.
Wrinkles add character.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You can play with toys all your life.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Running out of space, just hold on one sec.

2007-03-06 08:46:48 · 15 answers · asked by Sir Nigel 6

a chicken with a pit bull?

2007-03-06 08:45:42 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear
Microsoft Technical Support,

I desperately need some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors
and also took
up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the
product
brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs
and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other
system
activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no
longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate
Saturday
Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I
cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run
any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.

With regards,

(Ullu
No.1)

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THE REPLY:

Dear customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a
basic misunderstanding. Many men
upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is
merely a
UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be
able to purge
Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not
designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge
the program files
from the system once installed. Some people have tried to install
Girlfriend
8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in
manual under
alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I
recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best
you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them,
you must
run the C: \I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the
*Esc-key. It
may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully
eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0
although a very
high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of
it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and
Chocolates 5.0. Do
not under any circumstances install Secretary36.24.36 (Short Skirt
version) as
this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will
almost certainly crash. Thank you for using the programme!!!

PS: In no case try to install the free software
(Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes
with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to
Not Responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system.

2007-03-06 08:39:02 · 4 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

A. A duck filled faty puss

2007-03-06 08:38:19 · 11 answers · asked by chicken Girl 1

what has 4 legs first...2 legs seconed...3 legs last

2007-03-06 08:37:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ONE pastry chef can decorate 12 cupcakes in 14 min. The bakery recieves an order for 672 cupcakes. To the nearest hour, how long will it take FOUR pastry chefs to decorate the cupcakes?!!!

2007-03-06 08:35:53 · 14 answers · asked by starbrigth001 3

On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.
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> Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"
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> James Bond: "My name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style,
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> "......James Bond."
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> Then Bond asks: "And you?"
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> Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao...
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> Siva Rao...
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> Samba Siva Rao...
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> Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
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> Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
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> Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
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> Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
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> Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao..."
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> Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond"

2007-03-06 08:35:34 · 3 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

a carrot and lettuce in a frying pan, the carrot says its hot in here, the lettuce says,aaaAAAHHHHHHHHH,a talking carrot

2007-03-06 08:28:26 · 8 answers · asked by reem2 3

2007-03-06 08:27:12 · 8 answers · asked by The JRTs will rule the world 3

A.The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

2007-03-06 08:26:21 · 9 answers · asked by chicken Girl 1

please tell it cleary...

2007-03-06 08:25:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The sum of the numbers on two facing pages is 149. Their product is 5,550. What are the page numbers?

2007-03-06 08:16:05 · 19 answers · asked by starbrigth001 3

2007-03-06 08:12:57 · 4 answers · asked by bballstrnj 1

Me and my friends are looking to have a laugh. Does anybody know any good blonde jokes or any other kind of joke?

2007-03-06 08:09:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

two sausages in a frying pan, the frying pan says its hot down here, sausages say, aaaaaaAAHHHHHHHH a talking frying pan

2007-03-06 08:00:45 · 14 answers · asked by reem2 3

A woman was sleeping one night when God came to her in a dream. He told her that she would die when she was 90 years old. Knowing that she had so long to live, she figured she should look her best while she could. She went and blew all of her money on all of the plastic surgeries available. She was so happy about the way that she looked when the surgeries were complete that she skipped outside the hospital without looking both ways and was run over by an ambulance.
When she reached heaven, she asked God, "I thought you said I would live until I was ninety!"
God looked her up and down and said, "GIIIIIRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLL!!!! I didn't even recognize you!"

2007-03-06 08:00:08 · 9 answers · asked by K P 2

1.out of what is a flash?
2.how many spark plugs does a four cylinder diesel engine have?
3.what is a pole star?
4.who runs faster ,a grizzly bear or a horse?
5. which country is allowed to send 4 teams to the world cup?

good luck people!

2007-03-06 07:48:54 · 11 answers · asked by glitters 2

Phone rings, hi honey, it's mama. How are you daughter,
Mama,I'm so ill,
daughter daughter, I'll come over and take care of you, you go to bed and rest.

I'll wash the dishes,
see to the children,
do the ironing,
get the shopping
cook the dinner,
I'll clean the house.
Scrub the floors

But daughter, how's husband, Lenny?

LENNY, WHO IS LENNY? your husband daughter.
My husband name is JOE.
Mama says, is that freemont 2000, NO! This is Freemont 6000

Oh, says mama, sorry, wrong number,
Daughter says, does that mean you're not coming!

AH!

I don't tell jokes that well, you usually get the end first

2007-03-06 07:42:49 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend and I are trying to plan ahead and come up with some AWESOME April Fool's Day jokes because normally they are always really lame. We've got a few tiny ones already, but we'd really like some more and we are not the type of people who are creative like that and can come up with them. So got any suggestions??

2007-03-06 07:37:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV... ' The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

2007-03-06 07:36:56 · 10 answers · asked by ♥Amanda♥ 4

What has 6 legs, 2 arms, 4 eyes, and can get to places fairly quickly?

2007-03-06 07:32:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Put the top part of your body in back of me and I will be dangerous to touch.
Put a digit of your foot in back of me and it will hurt very much.
I am a common household item that you use to hit things that poke.
If you put a rapper in front of me chances are he will be broke.

2007-03-06 07:29:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous