Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Two boys went to the cemetary and gathered nuts by the fence that surrounded it. After a while, their basket was filled to the brim, so they decided to go up in a tree nearby and divide them between themselves. As they climbed up it, a few of the nuts fell out of the basket and rolled onto the ground below. “We’ll pick those up later,” one of them said.

A little while later, a third boy was was walking by when he heard two voices coming from the tree: "One for you, and one for me. One for you, and one for me." He couldn't see who was saying it.

"Oh my gosh!" he thought. "It's Satan and Saint Peter dividing up the souls!"

The boy ran back to town as fast as he could to find someone to tell about this. He grabbed the first person he saw, who was an old man. “Come with me!” he said. “Satan and Saint Peter are dividing up the souls down at the cemetary!” The old man figured he’d go along just because he had nothing better to do.
......................

2007-03-06 12:37:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I eat but I have no mouth
I dance but I have no feet
I lick but I have no tounge

2007-03-06 12:37:10 · 14 answers · asked by moonfreak♦ 5

So a woman gets a message in her dream...?
A woman was sleeping one night when God came to her in a dream. He told her that she would die when she was 90 years old. Knowing that she had so long to live, she figured she should look her best while she could. She went and blew all of her money on all of the plastic surgeries available. She was so happy about the way that she looked when the surgeries were complete that she skipped outside the hospital without looking both ways and was run over by an ambulance.
When she reached heaven, she asked God, "I thought you said I would live until I was ninety!"
God looked her up and down and said, "GIIIIIRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLL!!!! I didn't even recognize you!"

Explaing please.

2007-03-06 12:36:41 · 5 answers · asked by babycakes_rocks 3

JUST WONDERING

2007-03-06 12:35:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I come in many shapes, sizes and colors. I am made with oils and fats. I am used to clean things, and I come in a variety of scents.

2007-03-06 12:35:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a 2 riddles that I can't figure out... can you help?

1. Foward I'm heavy, backwords I'm not. What am I?

2. If a boy and a half can eat a hot dog and a half in a minute and a half, how long would it take 6 boys to eat 6 hot dogs?

2007-03-06 12:31:12 · 10 answers · asked by Nichole 3

A magician at a club gets a man from the crowd and says he'd like a hand with his next trick.
"I want you to smack me in the temple as hard as you can with this mallet when I raise my hand."

The guy says ok and gets the mallet ready. The magician gets ready and lays his head on a block of concrete and puts a small towel on the side of his head exposed to the guy from the crowd. "Ready!" says the magician and the guy from the crowd swings the mallet down as hard as he can. DING!

10 years later the magician wakes from his coma, opens his eyes and says "ta daaaaa!"

2007-03-06 12:28:35 · 22 answers · asked by Question 4

scruffy bollox

2007-03-06 12:26:36 · 12 answers · asked by thewokinn 1

husband insisted that all the lights were turned out - everything in complete darkness. So, after all that time, the wife finally decided this is totally rediculous & one night, in the middle of a passionate session, she switches on the lights. She looks down & sees that her husband is using a VERY life-like battery operated s*x toy!.
She goes ballistic & screams at him "You're impotent! How could you lie to me for all these years?! You'd better explain yourself, right now!"
The husband looks straight at her and calmy says. "Okay. I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids"...

2007-03-06 12:21:14 · 15 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

2007-03-06 12:19:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The room 66 on 6th floor of a hospital was believed to be haunted. Patients admitted to that room would die to unknown reasons. The administration would avoid putting patients into that room, but one time the hospital was overcrowd, so they had to put a patient in that room. The doctor of that patient, didn't want to ruin his record, decided to stay with the patient to care for him. On 6 am in the morning, something strange happens. The patient started to stuggle in pain. The doctor investigated, and he discovered something....

The janitor unplugged the power for the respiratory machine so he can plug in the vaccum cleaner.

2007-03-06 12:12:44 · 39 answers · asked by w 2

Many of my neighbours have set up a neighbourhood watch, the sad gits. We live in a quiet cul-de-sac where nothing happens. The only time burglar alarms go off are when some old pillock can't work out how to set it properly and the only night time intruders are the foxes round the bins.

It does seem something of a waste of time and effort - so I was thinking that since I have no intention of joining their curtain twitching group, should I provide some entertainment by getting done up in camoflage kit and prowling round the gardens at night?

I could maybe branch out into pinching washing off lines and disturbing the peace.

What do you think?

2007-03-06 12:11:14 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which one is correct:

5 and 7 is 13

OR

5 and 7 are 13

2007-03-06 12:07:18 · 18 answers · asked by Ace 5

isn't there a chatroom where we can all meet up & have a chat & a laugh?
I can't choose a best answer here, cos i'm spoilt for choice! Will try tp get my joke on tho. seems a bit of waste now. Bet you've all heard it anyway!
Good vibes everyone!

2007-03-06 12:01:03 · 2 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

wat 5 letter word that you can take 2 letters away from and get 6

2007-03-06 11:58:04 · 10 answers · asked by niecy 2

my friend does that and it does my head in, even when people tell me jokes and i've already heard them, i never say..i think its rude

2007-03-06 11:52:04 · 7 answers · asked by scotgal 4

After finishing all the paper works for a life insurance he brought for his wife, a man ask the insurance agent.
man: So how much will I get if my wife dies tonight?
agent: Probably 20 years.... in the prison.

2007-03-06 11:51:55 · 8 answers · asked by w 2

Whats greater than god, more evil then the devil, the poor has it and the rich need it!!! What is it?

P.s. Only 20% of college students got this but 90% of Kindergarden student got it 2................ (i gave u a clue already 2 the answer)

2007-03-06 11:51:29 · 14 answers · asked by <Person> 1

There is a smart guy and a dumb guy who take a job interview. The dumb guy (Bob) asks the smart guy (Mike) if he could copy the his answers. This is an oral and written test. Bob goes up first...
The interviewer asks Mike his questions first.
Who is the president of the United States?
Mike replies "It changes every four years but is currently George Bush."
Next question.....
When did America reach its independence?
Mike replies "They struggled in the 1700's but reached independence in 1776."
Final question....
Can children got to space?
Mike replies "Scientists are currently researching that now but when I find out, I will tell you.

Then Bob goes up. The interviewer can see that he is kind of dumb so she asks him easy questions.
Who is your father? the interview asks.
Bob looks off Mike's written report and replies "It changes every four years but is currently George Bush."
Then she asks him an easier question.
"When were you born?" Bob looks of Mike's report and says "

2007-03-06 11:51:23 · 14 answers · asked by GBPfan 3

I received an email many months ago of Wanda Sykes making a funny call to a car sale place. This was the funniest thing i had heard in a very long time. Have any British people heard of this women? If not, please take the time out to either log on to her web site or visit you tube to watch her in stand up comedy. I have nothing against american comedy i just havent never taken the time out to watch it. This lady is an absolute genius in making day to day events sooooooooo naturally funny. ps. she is one up for the ladies. You will love her.

2007-03-06 11:48:48 · 3 answers · asked by melodycool 2

Are you offended with blond jokes?

2007-03-06 11:46:37 · 5 answers · asked by Ugly Duckling 3

2007-03-06 11:42:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Considering it's supposed to be the word of God, it took long enough to get written, involved several contradictory authors and is, frankly, poorly written.

Shakespeare was one bloke and he churned out loads of top quality plays and sonnets. God wants to get his finger out and come up with a decent sequel - perhaps he should try a movie script to appear more modern and relevent?

2007-03-06 11:41:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 sons and 2 fathers went fishing. they each caught a fish and each ate them for dinner. But all together they only ate 3, why is that so? First one to get it right, icely gets 10 points.

2007-03-06 11:39:26 · 29 answers · asked by babycakes_rocks 3

You might know the speed of a bolt of lightning, but do you know how much meal (food) to give an old sow (female pig)?

I know the answer and why.

It is not a riddle...but the answer is well messed up...

2007-03-06 11:38:52 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need a class prank that is fun and easy to do... nothing bad that will get me in trouble.... We all lovee to joke around with my Bio teacher.... any ideas??

2007-03-06 11:35:50 · 4 answers · asked by kristie 3

Can you tell me a story jok, oh and please explain it at the end of your joke, i realy sometims don't understand. Whatever i think is the funniest gets 10 points.

P.S you will have a chance of getting it if you have more than one joke.

2007-03-06 11:35:13 · 3 answers · asked by babycakes_rocks 3

A delivery truck driver change a flat tire of his truck, in front of a psychiatric hospital. He accidently dropped all four of the tire's bolt in the sewer, and there was no way to get them back. One of the patient from the hospital asked the driver why he was frustrated, so the driver explained the situation.

The patient said: Thats easy. You take one bolt from each of the other three wheel and use them on that loose wheel. You drive to the nearest mechanic shop to get a new set of bolts.

The driver was amazed: Wow, you are smart. You shouldn't be in this place.

The patient: I am here for my illness, not because I am stupid.

2007-03-06 11:24:52 · 11 answers · asked by w 2

putting the block on? I never mean to offend anyone & only tell a joke if I think it might make someone else smile. (What are jokes for, after all?) So my joke wasn't allowed to be printed. The only word I can think of that might have upset anyone was v*b****r
Is that so bad? Sorry if it is.

2007-03-06 11:15:31 · 13 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

1. Follow them around the house..everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Pretend to have amnesia.
4. Say everything backwards.
5. Give yourself a swirly.
6. Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling "the sun! It's dying!!"
7. Run into walls.
8. Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house in your underwear.
9. Have nervous spasms at anonymous times.
10. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
11. Pretend to worship the Devil.
12. Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a HUGE grin on your face and say "Good morning Sunshine!"
13. Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder.
14. Run in circles.
15. Recite a whole movie 3 times.
16. Pretend to beat yourself up.
17. Pluck someone's hair out and yell "DNA!!!"
18. Slither everywhere.
19. Wear a sticker that says "I'm a retard!"
20. Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist. tell them you're making a fashion statement
any others?

2007-03-06 11:09:55 · 15 answers · asked by ♦Ðéjà~♠~\/û♦ 3