Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and s*xy she is.

Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

2007-03-06 17:35:59 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

2007-03-06 17:32:04 · 13 answers · asked by sugar_n_spice 5

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis!"

2007-03-06 17:29:54 · 11 answers · asked by sugar_n_spice 5

1. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.

2. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

3. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

4. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

5. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

6. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them, "What took you so long in the bathroom?"

7. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

8. Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.

2007-03-06 17:28:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

2007-03-06 17:26:05 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he
looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now
that
Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good
and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
the problem when suddenly the door bell rang. Before Grandma could say anything, the little boy ran fast to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."


The minister fainted.

2007-03-06 17:26:00 · 8 answers · asked by sugar_n_spice 5

A young man bought a new pair of boots, of which he was very proud. So he decided to go dancing and give them a try. After dancing with one lady for a few minutes, he said, "I bet you I can guess the color of your p*nties."

"Okay," she replied. "What color do you think they are?"

"Blue," he answered.

"How did you know that?" she asked.

"I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots," he said.

"Here," she said, "dance with my sister and tell her what color she has on."

After dancing a while, the young man started rubbing his toes on his p*nt cuffs, then started to dance again. After a few minutes he asked the second lady, "What color p*nties do you have on? I can't seem to make them out."

To which she replied, "I don't have any p*nties on."

With a sigh of relief the young man said, "Oh good. For a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots."

2007-03-06 17:23:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-year-old
Athletic = Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Educated = Will always treat you like an idi*t
Free Spirit = Sl**ps with your sister
Friendship first = As long as friendship involves n*dity
Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking = Arrog*nt
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle = Insecure, overly dependent
Mature = Until you get to know him
Open-minded = Wants to sl**p with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit = I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet = Has written on a b*throom st*ll
Spiritual = Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Sunday Stable = Occasional st*lker, but never ar*ested
Thoughtful = Says "Please" when demanding a beer

2007-03-06 17:20:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

40-ish = 48
Adventurer = Has had more p*rtn*rs than you ever will
Athletic = Flat-chested
Average looking = *gly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Bring your p*nicill*n
Educated = College dropout
Emotionally Secure = M*dicated
Feminist = Fat; b*ll b*ster
Free spirit = Subst*nce user
Friendship first = Trying to live down r*putation as sl*t
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline A*tistic
New-Age = All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned = Lights out, m*ssion*ry position only
Open-minded = Desp*rate
Outgoing = Loud
P*ssionate = Loud
Poet = Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional = Real W*tch
Redhead = Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque = Gr*ssly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Volupt*ous = Very Fat
Weight proportional to height = H*gely Fat
Wants Soulmate = One step away from stalking
Widow = Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart = Toothless cr*ne

2007-03-06 17:17:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to m*rry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

2007-03-06 17:10:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a l*sb*an who is waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sle*p with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my v*br*tor can't!" the l*sbi*n smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your v*br*tor buy the next round of drinks!"

Girlfriend: "And are you sure you love me and no one else?"

Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."

At one of the last all-girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you," she said. Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."

2007-03-06 17:07:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One sunny afternoon, two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes.

First dude: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal."

Second dude: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that."

First dude, three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before."

Second dude: Looking him over: "Uh ... Try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks, Dude."

The woman asked her redneck lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"

"Sure," he replied. "What's your phone number?

2007-03-06 17:02:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man.

Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate l*ve morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and p*nts?"

"Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and p*nts and she puts it on.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.

2007-03-06 16:58:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. What are they?

2007-03-06 16:54:29 · 15 answers · asked by onnabonona 1

This young man was dating a woman that he wanted to go to b*d with in the worst possible way. He finally was able to talk her into a "qu*ckie."

As they were crawling back into the front seat of the car, the young man said, "If I had known you were a v*rgin, I would have taken more time."

To which she replied, "If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my p*ntyhose."


A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

To which the little boy replied, "Our sitter's boyfriend."

2007-03-06 16:53:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sl*ep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

2007-03-06 16:50:26 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful r*mbling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said: 'Not well suited to b*dding but is excellent for ro*ting up against a garden wall'."

2007-03-06 16:46:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

- Not only is she a little yo*ng, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.

- You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.

- She has a thicker moustache than you.

- When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

- You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

- Her br* and p*nties are wired to an alarm system.

- You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your a*s.

- You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.

- At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of p*nicill*n at the nearest clinic.

- She beats the cr*p out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

2007-03-06 16:41:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

2007-03-06 16:28:58 · 11 answers · asked by onnabonona 1

chose one please

2007-03-06 16:18:44 · 11 answers · asked by uknown person here 1

what did the asian say to the bee?


wassah bee?
(wasabi)
LOL

how do you get Pikachu on a bus?


you Poke 'Em On!
haha


how do you get a one-armed man off a tree?

you wave at him!

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

2007-03-06 16:02:38 · 9 answers · asked by LOVE♥ 1

A wealthy couple planned to go to an evening ball. They advised Stanley, their Butler, that he was being given the evening off to do whatever he wanted.

After an hour and a half at the ball the wife told her husband that she was dreadfully bored and in fact would prefer simply to go home and finish some work for the following day. The husband replied that he had to stay for a couple of more hours since he had to meet some potential business partners.

So, the wife went home alone and found the butler Stanley spread out on the couch watching TV. Moving slowly towards him, she sat down in a very seductive manner. She whispered to him to come closer, then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:

"Take off my dress ..." she said And Stanley did so. "Now, will take off my bra ..." she asked To which Stanley obliged. "Next, please remove my shoes and stockings." she told him Stanley quickly followed her instructions again. "Now, remove my garter belt and panties." she ordered him. Again, without hesitation, Stanley complied.

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted: "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

2007-03-06 15:52:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-06 15:37:45 · 17 answers · asked by lulu 3

2007-03-06 15:18:55 · 19 answers · asked by invinciblekarthik 2

There are 6 Dots set-up as so:
(with gaps in between each of the dots)


* * *

* * *


Now, try to connect one dot to the others, the first bottom dot with 3 lines connecting it to each of the top 3 dots, then the second bottom dot with 3 lines connecting it to each of the top 3 dots and so forth with the last bottom 3rd dot

You can do it by using lines, curves, twists, or whatever to make it happen.

THE CATCH:
no line is to intersect or touch each other at any area or time



I am not sure what this puzzle is called, but if you know the name, please tell me! TY if you have a solution that would be appreciated too!

BTW, only einstein was the first to solve it!




You can't cross over any line, you can only connect each dot to all the other dots using lines and curves.

2007-03-06 15:16:48 · 16 answers · asked by sp4cemanspiff 2

what exactly do you respond to.."wassup"?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-06 15:13:42 · 14 answers · asked by di.... 1

A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived at the craps table, and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped
up-and-down....and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed (and
disappeared).

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral –
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.

2007-03-06 15:13:24 · 27 answers · asked by David 6

Why would you reply something like "bang bang"???? does it relate to some kinda mock angry retort?!!!

2007-03-06 15:05:58 · 6 answers · asked by di.... 1

2007-03-06 15:05:22 · 22 answers · asked by moosee^^; 3

i have the keys to the building so i can do it anytime. i thought about putting a dead snake on her desk. but i need some more ideas...

2007-03-06 15:03:05 · 7 answers · asked by Aztec 1