Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

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I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille

2007-03-06 21:56:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-06 21:53:54 · 22 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

just been reading through some questions and cant help but laugth! questions such as....
if a loaded hellium balloons to the back of a chair would it float into space?
Can you ride a great dane?
Has anyone else come across any funny questions on here, if so please share!

2007-03-06 21:53:19 · 11 answers · asked by dancing darlings 3

2007-03-06 21:45:55 · 4 answers · asked by Kenny K 4

their personalitys

preparing for abuse! bring it.....

2007-03-06 21:45:24 · 14 answers · asked by wang zi (peter) 2

I am a thing.

Teachers hate me.

Cow likes me.

Monkey eats me.

I am a 9 letter word

$o$$m$$y$

tell who am i?

2007-03-06 21:44:11 · 5 answers · asked by Kozhiii 1

2007-03-06 21:43:14 · 7 answers · asked by jobees 6

(are u a hoe)

2007-03-06 21:39:04 · 3 answers · asked by fiona millar 2

2007-03-06 21:19:15 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

While mingling she spies an older gentleman all decked out in his uniform, stripes up and down his sleeve and a chestful of medals. She saunters up to him and says "Oooh! What branch are you in?" UNITED STATES MARINES Ma'am! Real locked and ****** and gung ho he was. She jumped a bit at his military response, but asks more questions, like do you want to dance? MARINES DON'T DANCE MA'AM!! Have a drink? DON'T DRINK MA'AM!!
Jeezus she says, You ever have sex?! MA'AM I HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE 1955! Well NO wonder you're uptight. She tells the crusty ol' jarhead that today is his lucky day and takes him upstairs where he gives her the best romance she's ever had.

Later she gasps, "Oh my GOD!" You were awesome, and no sex since 1955?!! "THAT'S NOT TRUE MA'AM!" What?! she demanded? You lied to me?!? She picks up her stuff and is ready to walk out the door and asks, Well, liar, when was the last time you had sex? The Marine looks at his watch...Twenty One Hundred, MA'AM!!

2007-03-06 21:15:14 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, ...correct ? Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair..... Now if Fuzzy Wuzzy was not very fuzzy why was he named Fuzzy Wuzzy ?

2007-03-06 20:55:06 · 8 answers · asked by Emu 1

It fell from a star,
But not very far.
It seems to fly
Above you and I.
Look further down to see
Cousin Jay below us three.
Jump down further to see an empty space.
Tell me what "it" is, and where is this place?

2007-03-06 20:54:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I saw one that had "Needmore Rd" in the US once.

2007-03-06 20:31:15 · 12 answers · asked by Lyrical Lie 5

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."

An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."

The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."

The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

2007-03-06 20:24:10 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25
year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

2007-03-06 20:20:01 · 5 answers · asked by DeeDee 5

2007-03-06 20:05:28 · 6 answers · asked by tiffkraft 1

2007-03-06 19:53:17 · 21 answers · asked by mathandashukela 2

Just give me a couple of examples of such things. I just can't think of one right away. Can be anything--tech product, food, merchandise, whatever. And I don't mean abstract concepts like religion or sentiment or money. I mean something material.

2007-03-06 19:35:48 · 14 answers · asked by GiantsFan98 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ez5QPW-ku4

2007-03-06 19:22:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.


"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.


Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.


"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.


Now...what seems to be the problem?"


"It's swollen," Ed replied.

2007-03-06 19:20:35 · 6 answers · asked by Baptized Disciple 5

In the middle of the night Mary wakes up to find her husband is not in bed anymore. She puts on her gown and walks to the kitchen where she finds her husband sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and a tear rolling down his cheak.
Jim notices his wife and says: Remember the day we met?
Mary is touched by this and sits down next to her husband - yes i remember.
Jim: Do you remember the first time we made love in the back of my car?
Mary Yes dear - I remember - that night I got pregnant.
Jim: Do you remember your dad finding us, shoved his shot gun in my face and said either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?
Mary: Yes honey I remember that
Jim starts crying like a baby and says.. Do you know - I would have gotton out today

2007-03-06 19:04:03 · 25 answers · asked by Juanita L 2

2007-03-06 18:43:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mike was going to be married to Susan, so his father sat him down for
a little chat.

He said, Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said,
here, try these on.
She did and said, these are too big, I can't wear them. I replied,
exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since
that night we have never had any problems.

Hmmm, said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Susan, Here, try
these on. She tried them on and said these are too large. They don't fit
me.

Mike said, exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I
Don't want you to ever forget that.

Then Susan took off her pants and handed them to Mike.

She said, here you try on mine.

He did and said I can't get into your pants.
Susan said exactly. And if you don't change your smart *** attitude, you
never will.

And they lived happily every after

2007-03-06 18:41:21 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Someone said I was dumber than a bag of ______.

First one who gets it will be chosen as best answer.

2007-03-06 18:32:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-06 18:19:48 · 12 answers · asked by oscar boom 2

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time, he went to the doctor and about his problem. The doctor asked to drop his pants and he dropped. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under right testicle, and asked to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip on left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, but What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the tops of your cow boy boot"

2007-03-06 18:11:41 · 2 answers · asked by Pd 6

2007-03-06 18:06:55 · 7 answers · asked by lazgee 1

2007-03-06 18:03:53 · 8 answers · asked by lazgee 1

hehehee!!

2007-03-06 18:00:32 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

to paint a rainbow on sunny day....?

2007-03-06 17:52:19 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous